Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. (1772 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by itchy <Mritchytoyou.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-30 15:23:25 EDT
Paul Bomstead maneuvered his Tahoe around the corner of Nicholas Street, easing onto 49th. He loved cruising the college ghetto during the summer months. You could usually spot some sorority bitch lying out in the sun, just wishing somebody like him would come by and let her know how good she looked. Paul never missed the chance. Yeah, they acted offended, but you know those bitches ate it up. Why else would they be out there if they didn't want guys to look?
So far though, not much action today. It was looking like 49th Street wasn't going to be any better than Nicholas, so he decided to try Webster; he'd seen a whole gaggle of bitches there last month. Today was sure enough a good day for them to be out. Sunny. 80 degrees with not too much humidity. Hell, if they had some beer, maybe he'd stop and party with them this time. Yeah man, that's what he was gonna do.
Grinning to himself at the thought, he reached across the truck's console to grab his obnoxiously large fountain drink, inadvertently knocking several cigarette butts out of the overflowing ashtray as he did so. Steering the straw to his mouth without taking his eyes off the road he sucked and swallowed, grimacing as he choked back the strong mixture of Jack Daniels and Coca-cola. "Mmm-mmm, good," he chuckled.
Not wanting to take the long way to Webster Street, Paul busted a quick left into an alley and got to work checking out the back yards of all the rental houses. No bitches. Damn.
There was however, a cop car at the end of the alley with its cherries lit up.
"Fuck!" Paul thought, quickly putting his drink on the floorboard beside his seat. "Just be cool man."
He crept his truck down the alley, real cautious, doing his best impression of a responsible driver looking for an address.
As he drew nearer to the cop, he could see that he already had some poor schmuck pulled over, and even better, the poor schmuck looked like a total loser. Paul was home free. The cop was probably going to have to write the poor bastard a ticket. Not that the guy would ever pay it.
From the looks of the guy, he was living in the piece of shit car that the cop had pulled over. The guy was a mess. Straggly white hair shooting from his head in every direction, and several days of white stubble poking out of his sun-darkened leathery skin. What was worse, the guy looked like he was some kind of loony.
As Paul approached the wacko's car, he could see that the old nut had a hand-held radio up to his ear. The guy must have been near deaf too, because even from back here Paul could hear the radio announcer telling the world that they had just heard "You're Having My Baby" by Paul Anka and that "Muskrat Love" by the Captain and Tennille was coming up, after this commercial break. What was really freaky though, was that the crazy bastard didn't look like he was listening to the radio. He was talking into it.
"Castro is on to me!" he was yelling into the radio, "he's having me detained!"
"Holy Shit, dude really IS fucking nuts," Paul said aloud as he his truck crawled past the car. As he approached where the cop had the old man back near the cruiser, he shot the cop his best commiserating smile, as if to say, "Hey buddy, thanks for being there to protect and serve. I don't envy you with this one," nodded his head and gave the cop a salute by raising two fingers from his steering wheel.
As he rolled past the two men, Paul couldn't let his thoughts remain silent.
"Psycho," he said, loud enough that the crazy bastard could hear it and chuckled at his own startling wit and bravado.
"WHAT?!!!!" the old man screeched behind the truck.
Paul glanced into his side view mirror and saw the man starting to slowly walk in the direction of his truck. Anger burned in the man's eyes. Paul stifled his laughter, not wanting to make things harder for the cop. Actually, screw the cop.
"Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Paul roared. "Good luck in jail nutjob.
The man continued to walk after the truck, but the cop was having none of that. Paul watched giddily as the cop looked up from his clipboard to notice that the man had started to walk away from him.
Darting his eyes towards the end of the alley, Paul tried to gauge how slowly he could drive so as to see as much of the action as he could.
Looking back in the mirror, he could see the man was still following him.
"You son of a bitch!" the old nut screamed.
Paul roared with laughter again.
The reflection of the man in the mirror stopped walking and lowered his head. Paul could see his stooped shoulders widen as he took in a deep breath. As the man's head came up again, Paul could see something more than just anger in his eyes, something eerie. Maybe it is time to go, he thought.
'KILL HIM!!!!" the old man bellowed.
"Yeah, right," Paul thought. The cop's going to kill me. Doubtful, in fact the cop was closing on the nutty old bastard. The cop's hand was about to grab the man's shoulder.
But it didn't. The cop came up short very suddenly. His arm remained in the exact position it had been in but the rest of his body reacted as if he had run into a wall, bouncing backwards and falling until the slack ran out. The cop's body hung from his shoulder as his arm remained immobilized in midair. Paul saw the cop's puzzled expression as the cop tried to make sense of what was going on. Then Paul saw the cop's expression change to one of pain.
With an audible SNAP, Paul saw the cop's arm break in at least two places. Paul heard the cop make a sound that reminded him of when he used to kill rabbits in his back yard as a kid.
Paul slammed on the brakes. What the hell was going on? He leaned out his window and looked back toward the two cars and the two men.
The old man was still glaring in his direction.
Whatever had been holding the cop's arm released it's grip and the cop fell bodily to the ground, still screaming.
Out of the slumped mass that was the cop's body, a limp hand started to rise, pulling with it the arm, and then the shoulder, and then the torso of the still screaming police officer. The cop's head lolled to the side as his panicked eyes tried to take in his shattered right arm.
Paul blinked in open disbelief of what his eyes told him he was seeing. The cop hung suspended in midair, dangling from his left wrist. Then, resembling nothing so much as a piece of paper being rapidly crumpled, the cop's arm disappeared into a ball of blue uniform and blood. The sound that came from the cop's lips, as once again whatever force that had held him suspended released him, resembled nothing Paul had ever heard on this Earth.
When the body of the cop hit the ground. It was silent at last.
Paul sat immobilized, not understanding what he had just seen, until the voice of the old man yanked him from his reverie.
"Not him, you idiots, HIM, the son of a bitch in the truck! Kill HIM!!!"
Paul's foot mashed the gas pedal seemingly of its own accord, and the large eight-cylinder engine growled in response. Gravel shot from the back of the truck as power was transferred from the engine to the transmission to the wheels.
As he slammed the dash of his truck as if to beat more horsepower out of the engine, Paul turned to be able to steer the truck out of the alley. Still terrified, he glanced again in his side-view mirror.
The old man was still there. Giggling happily.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-17 11:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Shit
Submitted by snarf (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Take a look at the asswipe that ruined this streak!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/62319
oh and ladies....im pretty sure he's single
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so let's see, you fat prick, you have just gone and found a perfect streak post to ruin it?
You really are a tit aren't you.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not perfect but still well done.
Submitted by snarf (user info) at 2005-03-30 06:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup - well worth the hot +2 streak
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-24 08:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very fucking cool... Wish the ending had been a bit more clear. I wanna know if you get your ass kicked or not?
Submitted by Blasting (user info) at 2005-03-24 06:25:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent piece of work I must say.
Although I feel compelled to ask one question.
Have you by any chance been watching the anime "Elfen Lied" ?
I just got touched by the resemblence.
[I'm just a Über reader without any writingskills whatsoever, and since english isn't my mother tounge, I've yet to master the more advanced english grammer. Been reading Über for over a year daily now and maybe I'll gather the courage to submit something.]
/Blasting
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-02 10:47:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woah.
Nice.
Submitted by UltraJesus4000 (user info) at 2004-07-19 20:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
awesome
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Castro the Castrator. The most evil and diabolical of all Communists.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-16 15:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*highly disturbed* and well written. missed it, glad you linked me up
I have been having some fucked up dreams myself, one last night involved my brother on trial for rape/murder and during the dream I had the revelation that I had infact strangled the girl and dumped her body.
I actually had to question myself today, 'did i murder someone??' it was so goddamned vivid.
Yeah, that's about the worst dream I've ever had and this after the one a few nights ago where I was sent to prison for crimes unknown and raped by three inmates my first day there.
(I'm using the nicotine patches once again, I definitely attribute it to that)
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-07-01 12:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-07-01 12:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, Willis Alan Ramsey wrote a song called "Muskrat Candlelight" which Captain and Tennille redid as "Muskrat Love."
This has been a message by your friendly neighborhood musical trivia guy.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-07-01 12:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange.
Isn't Muskrat Love by America though?
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-07-01 07:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Squattail, you're a real mensch.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-07-01 03:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-01 03:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am not gonna shit on your parade. +2
It was excellent. I like the way the demons or whatever fucked up and killed the cop.
That was hilarious.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-30 20:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story there Mr. Serling.
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-06-30 18:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ranking: 2
dude, that was awesome, like a Twilight Zone, or Creepshow episode.
VERY visual
Come up with some more
------------------------------
Dude, Creepshow rocks! Just like this story!
Wheres my cake, Bedilia? Its father's day, Bedilia, Where's my cake?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-30 18:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Submitted by Shaxberd (user info) at 2004-06-30 18:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You remind me of a young Ernest Hemingway.
Except that you don't suck.
That was great.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-30 17:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Itch!
Submitted by repsik (user info) at 2004-06-30 17:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-06-30 17:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Move over S. King. Mr. Itchy has arrived.
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2004-06-30 17:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, that was awesome, like a Twilight Zone, or Creepshow episode.
VERY visual
Come up with some more
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-06-30 17:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wowza.
Submitted by bouncer (user info) at 2004-06-30 17:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-06-30 16:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent work.
better ending maybe, but still top level snuff
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-30 16:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks alot now i will be afraid of bums
Submitted by Boogely_eyes (user info) at 2004-06-30 16:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god. How creepy!
Nicely done.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-30 16:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Frenchy (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK ME...I swear in the name of all that is holy...
I DID NOT SPELL "ALOUD" LIKE THAT!!!
Something has got be wrong with the server.
BART!!
Submitted by Frenchy (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell is in the water today?
It's one gigantic "Uberjuvenation".
I've enjoyed, if not laughed allowed at,
a ton of posts today...and reviews as well.
Can you feel the love?
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:42:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool beans. Let this be a lesson to those who make fun of crazy people. Most of them harbor powerful Bum magic. Beware.
-------------------------------------
Awesome post, awesome review.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck yeah...
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool beans. Let this be a lesson to those who make fun of crazy people. Most of them harbor powerful Bum magic. Beware.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a kickass dream.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki: I had this fucked up dream about a cop getting his shit ruined last night, and decided to try to turn it into an actual STORY. New thing for me, so thanks for the possitive ratings so far.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit what the fuck is this?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow! Excellent.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.