Squirrels: Cute and Cuddly, or Furry Fiends of Death? (610 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -1.33 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (View user info) at 2004-07-02 09:29:28 EDT
One thing you should know about me is that I write a column for my college run newspaper. Nothing fancy, just a regular little opinion piece in the Forum section. Lately my job has been to pick up the slack that the last humorist left. I choose to submit this to uber because I got the idea from uber. I know, come up with your own ideas, but this one just wouldn't leave my dome until I typed it. SO, if you have written a squirrel piece, Thanks for the inspire!
Howdy all and welcome back to yet another glorious year here at UT! I'm sure you're all looking forward to yet another year of hilarious budget cuts and parking tickets. And now onto business: Squirrels, the cute evil lurking in the branches of America! Unless it's the middle of winter, you've seen squirrels running around doing they're squirrelly business, but it hasn't been until recently that I've noticed that they have been fooling us all along!
It all started when I was surfing the web during my lunch hour at work, just trolling the always-entertaining forums of Ubersite.com, when I came across a pretty lengthy post that some loony put up about how squirrels were trying to conquer the earth! I laughed it off as a joke, but somehow it got stuck in the back of my head; Ya know that little part of the back of your head that keeps all those little insane thoughts that the has voices that keep nagging you on and on and on again until you HAVE to drill a hole in your skull to shut them up? Anyways, the idea of fiendish squirrels got stuck in my head for a good week, just enough time to get a good stew going, so one Saturday I decided to play Crocodile Hunter and see what squirrels were really up to.
I tried many approaches, many of them varying between failure and mentally scarringly bad failure, but I still kept up the scientific attitude towards it and simply found another way to observe these cunning creatures.
First I tried the old staple: Sitting really still and observing them. It worked pretty well until the squirrels started to feel more confident and they started circling closer and closer. It took them a good 15 minutes for them to start acting natural around me, but I made the fatal mistake of very slowly putting on coconut-scented sunscreen. It took me another 5 minutes to notice that they had started to stare at me, and I swear I even saw one lick it's lips. I started to get up to get away, but they had fully encircled me and like pigmies taking on an elephant, they started throwing acorns at me all while chattering their mad chattering chatter. I can still hear it in my sleep.
After the "Nuttening", as I like to call the incident, I still wanted to observe these creatures up close but without the risk of another emotionally scarring event. I thought camouflage would be a great way to go, but that idea flopped: you wouldn't believe the price of fatigues nowadays! I was passing by a grocery store when I suddenly got the Third worst idea I've ever conceived in my entire life; a suit made of peanuts.
Now I know what you're thinking, if coconut sunscreen made them attack you, why wear actual nuts? Well, about an hour earlier I tried to figure out why squirrels were so crazy about acorns, so I cracked and ate a few dozen. After the stomach cramps subsided, I was surprised to find that I was completely blitzed! In my stupor, I bought a dozen bags of peanuts and sewed them all to a pair of shorts and a tank top. I then went back to the park I was observing and preceded to black out.
The next thing I can remember is running around with 30 squirrels crawling all over my pants. They had already gnawed my shirt off, and now they were having a feast with my shorts! While the thought of small furry animals running around your neither regions might appeal to a few of you, trust me, it's not as much fun as it sounds: especially when you ran out of clean underwear that morning.
A few stitches and several rabies shots later, I returned from the ER more determined to uncover the squirrel's secrets than ever! This time I just stuck to a trusty pair of binoculars, I learned so much this way! I learned that while all squirrels are generally all the same in appearance, they can all be broken down into several sub-groups/classes. For example, there are types of squirrels that I like to call the Barons. These are usually the big fat ones that order all the other squirrels around, kinda of like Generals of the Squirrel Army. Normally you can find these types hanging around in retiree's backyards getting practically handfed bread and leftover cake.
The others types include Pikas (cute ones that scam food), Moles (bury secret acorn landmines), Radars (ones that communicate between trees), and Berserkers (big ones that are intentionally infected with rabies for attacks against anything over 2 ft tall) Trust me, Berserkers are trained to make pain.
In conclusion, I couldn't find exactly what the vast squirrel conspiracy was planning, I got bored and went in to watch porno and Sponge Bob. I can tell you that what ever it is it involves lazer pointers and Jenny McCarthy's boobs. Be Afraid!
User Reviews
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-04 01:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, when you stare blankly at a spreadsheet for 8 hours a day anything else seems fucking HILARIOUS! yeah it did suck, live learn and I'll do better on the next one.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-02 11:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Except it wasn't that funny, was it? Now if the squirrels had been wearing Rambo bandanas..
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-02 10:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry about the second posting of this, my computer had a brain fart and I thought it didn't go through, so I posted it again to be on the safe side.
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-07-02 10:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-02 09:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Howdy all and welcome back to yet another glorious year here at UT! I'm sure you're all looking forward to yet another year of hilarious budget cuts and parking tickets. And now onto business: Squirrels, the cute evil lurking in the branches of America! Unless it's the middle of winter, you've seen squirrels running around doing they're squirrelly business, but it hasn't been until recently that I've noticed that they have been fooling us all along!
It all started when I was surfing the web during my lunch hour at work, just trolling the always-entertaining forums of Ubersite.com, when I came across a pretty lengthy post that some loony put up about how squirrels were trying to conquer the earth! I laughed it off as a joke, but somehow it got stuck in the back of my head; Ya know that little part of the back of your head that keeps all those little insane thoughts that the has voices that keep nagging you on and on and on again until you HAVE to drill a hole in your skull to shut them up? Anyways, the idea of fiendish squirrels got stuck in my head for a good week, just enough time to get a good stew going, so one Saturday I decided to play Crocodile Hunter and see what squirrels were really up to.
Not funny, not creative, and posted twice
Squirrels: Cute and Cuddly, or Furry Fiends of Death? (no reviews)
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (View user info) at 2004-07-02 09:29:28
Squirrels: Cute and Cuddly, or Furry Fiends of Death? (no reviews)
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (View user info) at 2004-07-02 09:29:04
IN LESS THEN 30 SECONDS.