Why I still shudder when I see chainmail (778 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 0.9 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Naery (View user info) at 2004-07-02 18:18:59 EDT
So, I was gonna post something serious, about Death and all that cuz it's been on my mind a lot, but I decided that instead, I'd take a page from JMG's book and tell a story about *my* dating history. The following story is true, only the names have been changed to protect the identities of the parties involved.
When I was in high school, '96-'00, I was quite the player. I was on the football team. I was a starting Varsity lineman, center, and the second smallest kid on the team at only 185lbs. For all that I was "small" I was able to stand up Samoan kids who weighed 250-350 lbs and get their fat asses out of the gap and make a hole for the running backs. My team made State Champs 3 years in a row, no mean feat. Also, I was big with the acting crowd, and when shit went sour for me on the team my senior year I did Shakespeare's MacBeth. I was also in the German Spanish and French Clubs. I helped the SWS government. The point is that I was involved in pretty much every strata of high school. I belonged to almost every clique in some way or another. Sure, I had my enemies, but like as not they only disliked me because I'd banged their girlfriends. And that, ladies and gents, is the point of this story here. I was quite the womanizer in high school. (On a side note, Nick Cassanova's "The Machiavellian's Guide to Womanizing" is a Godsend to any young aspiring womanizer.) My reputation was such that I didn't even have to pursue the ladies and I would still have three to seven girlfriends in a week. Almost all of whom I was banging, and some of whom knew about the others.
Well, naturally, when ladies hear about a guy like that, they get interested, most of them trying to "change" him into a one-woman kind of man. Riiiiiigghht. So, it was no surprise to me when, one day out of the blue, this chick comes up to me during lunch:
"Hey, Naery. Listen, my parents are out of town for a few days and I was wondering if you could give me a ride home after school today?" (<---that's code for "have sex with me")
Naturally, I assented. So after school, we got in my 1995 GMC Sonoma Pick-up and I took her to her house. It was a very quiet ride. After about six minutes, we arrived:
"You wanna come in and get something to drink, or something?"
"Sure, why not? I got nothing else to do today."
We enter her house:
"So...you want the tour?"
"Yeah, sounds good."
"K, here's the living room, there's the kitchen. You wanna see my rooom?"
Of course I said I did. And that was a mistake, though I didn't know it at the time. She took me upstairs to her room, and that's when things started to go downhill. She opened her door and...
Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink.Pink.Pink.Pink. It was everywhere. Everything from the paint on the walls to the paper on the -pink- desk. That should have been my first clue, but I failed to heed it.
After I got over the assault of the pinkness of her room, I noticed a large four poster bed that was covered in stuffed animals, sixty or seventy, all nice and neat, arranged in a heart shape on the coverlet of her bed. That should have been my second clue, but I failed to heed this one as well. Chicks that own sixty or seventy stuffed animals either A) have abandonment issues, or B) are into S&M.
Well, what should have been my third clue came when she wantonly flung the army of stuffed animals off of her bed and threw me down upon it (the bed).
"Just wait there," she said as she bent down and started rummaging in her closet. It was one of those closets whose doors consist of two large mirrors that slide one behind the other. I heard the sound of metal on metal, the faintest sounds of *chink* *chink*. Then, after about...20 second or so, she stands up and away from the closet. That's when I saw...It. On her right hand she was wearing the most evil implement I have ever seen. It was a silver chainmail glove with curved spikes coming off of every finger that were each about 3-4 inches long. I know I am prone to exaggeration sometime, but they were seriously 3-4 inches long.
Well, turns out she belongs to the latter category of those that own too many stuffed animals. I, on the other hand, am not into S&M (experimentation, sure- but pain, no) so I left. I don't mean to say that I told her I was uncomfortable with the thought of a thing like that near my best friends, nor do I mean that I said, sorry I have to go. No, when I say "I left," what I mean to say is that I jumped up off the bed and flew down the stairs, touching maybe one of them in my haste to flee, and made good my escape. I burst out of her front door in a condition of abject sexual terror, bodily flung myself into my truck and burned rubber leaving her neighborhood.
I never spoke to her again.
But I tell the story every chance I get.
User Reviews
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-07-03 11:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rightly so.
Submitted by dolfin (user info) at 2004-07-03 08:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Could have at least stuck around to make sure she wasn't gonna get you to trim her hedges (no pun intended, like Ned's "Freddy" glove). Or turn down the pain but stick around for the sex. You ran at the sight of the glove? Nothing even happened yet! Haha
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-03 07:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh. Wimp.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-07-03 05:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The story wasn't that bad. But, gatdamn sam, why is shitfuck so angry?
Come to think, if my name was shitfuck, I guess I'd be pissed off too.
Ahahahahhahh. I kill me.
Submitted by Harmless (user info) at 2004-07-02 22:30:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not bad. I really thought there would be more to the story but I guess not.
You should have taken it like a man. Could have been worth it.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-02 19:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you get hit by a drunk driver and killed--I'll laugh.
Good luck with your fuckface-itis, I heard getting AIDS can clear that right up. Die.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-07-02 18:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ha, man that shit I would have loved to see.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-07-02 18:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"After I got over the assault of the pinkness of her room"
hahaha +2 for that line alone!
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-07-02 18:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
was she hot at least?
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-07-02 18:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A real "playa" would of taken the glove and fisted her with it.