I'm screwed. Help me. (912 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.16 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kitchens_closed (View user info) at 2004-07-04 15:37:30 EDT
Life sucks.
Life in the suburbs really sucks. And when I say suck, I'm not talking about Dustbuster suck. No sir, I'm talking about red-giant-turned-supernova-turned-black-hole suckage. Here's a simple breakdown to give you an idea of my pathetic state:
-I need money. I am completely broke.
-To get money I need a job.
-To get a job I need a car, since there isn't a legitimate working environment anywhere near me. Heck, even if I was a drug dealer I would still be piss broke, unless geese smoke weed or snort coke.
-To get a car I need to buy it myself, because my family is poor and my mom cannot afford the insurance (my father moved out when I was in second grade, and does not pay support) cost for me to drive her car.
-To buy a car I need money.
It's like the circle of life, only instead of the lions eating the antelope and shitting them into the grass and having the antelope eat the shit-grass, I just eat the shit. And leave the grass on the side. Yeah, I know, the real cirlce of life has the lion dying and "becoming part of the grass," but I don't care, eating shit sucks more than eating lion corpses. Fuck, I'm rambling.
I'm miserable here in the suburbs. I have very few friends up here, and I try to go down to Philly as often as possible to visit my true friends, but getting a ride is a bitch, not to mention there is no public transportation near my house. I suppose if I became a preppy piece of shit I would have an easier time making friends, but I promised myself when I moved I would not change, and I'm not going to.
So what I am ask from all you is to help me. Now before you ask "Dan, how the hell are we supposed to help you, you fucking idiot?", let me explain. I will give you my adress.
Dan C.
282 Katie Drive
Feasterville, PA 19053
Send me anything. Letters, money, drugs, contraceptives, anything. I don't give a shit, anything you send me will help make my life in the 'burbs a more entertaining ordeal. Hell, even if you just want to send me pennies to mock my being Jewish, I can care less. There's nothing like getting a letter in the mail, unless its from a college, those go right into the trashcan.
I'm not begging for your help, I am asking. If you do decide to send me anything, make sure you include your user name so I know who to +2 from now on.
I have included a picture in this post to show you the young, helpless soul you are aiding.
I would have given the puppy-dog eyes, but I hate dogs.
Thanks in advance,
~Dan
User Reviews
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-07-05 02:07:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Hope next Saturday at 6 a.m. is a good time for you, dipshit."
Actually it is. That interferes with the rendezvous I have planned with your mother. Oh well, I never thought three was a crowd.
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2004-07-05 01:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I personally just signed this guy up for a visit from the Jehovahs witnesses. Hope next Saturday at 6 a.m. is a good time for you, dipshit.
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-07-05 01:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wanted to hate this I really did.
The check's in the mail.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-07-05 01:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess this post was a bad idea. People didn't really take to it like I thought they would. I suppose I made it too serious and not enough of a satire. Not to mention the overall idea sucked. Boo me.
I look forward to any shit piles or spam that you send me though.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-07-05 01:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you sir are a fucktard
Submitted by Big Al at 2004-07-05 01:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should become an Inventor! You only need one good invention to be a millionare, but it's also a risky business.... Sorry, just a brainstorm.
Submitted by Big Al at 2004-07-05 01:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh, we can all relate.... Sorry, I'm also broke, but good message!
Submitted by another passer by <whocares.at.gmail.com> at 2004-07-05 00:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You want people to send you stuff to ease the pain of life in the suburbs?
OK, choose one:
1) A Truckload of horseshit on your doorstep, on the hour every hour (you can pay for it you idiot)
2) All the spam and junk mail you could ever ever hope to want to avoid - come on everyone lets sign him up for some stuff!
3) A visit from a strange religious cult, daily, for ever...
Don't be surprised if you get mail containing dogshit and stuff, you were stupid enough to ask for it.
You suck the sweat off a dead mans balls dude.
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-07-04 22:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
AHHAHAAH you FUCKING SUCK
GET A JOB
CAR does not = job
go be a squegge kid, 1 dollar a window.
cut up grass and say its marijuana
Find your dad and make him pay you the money..
ya i bet your mom takes the money for you and buys crack with it.
sounds like you live in a ghetto, not a suburb -> successful people live in suburbs, not poor whiny assed loosers
Submitted by GarglNutz (user info) at 2004-07-04 22:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is the result of screwing your relatives.
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-07-04 22:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
*crickets chirp* Hello, good post? Where are you?
Submitted by your dad <sevenarmy@netzero> at 2004-07-04 21:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
kids this ugly need to be poor!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-04 21:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is an experiment? I guess the smart people are the ones that don't rate this teenage emo angst bullshit?
Crap.
Submitted by repsik (user info) at 2004-07-04 21:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sup brows?
Submitted by voodoochild (user info) at 2004-07-04 21:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
heh,heh, he looks like a monkey!
I hate monkeys.
Submitted by voodoochild (user info) at 2004-07-04 21:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You know, I thought the same thing as a teenager. And so did EVERY-FUCKING-ONE ELSE! So bit your quichin'.
Submitted by Harmless (user info) at 2004-07-04 20:59:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm going to be honest here, I didn't read it all. But I'm going to give you advice that you may have covered:
MOVE! MOVE SOMEWHERE WITH WORK YOU STUPID DOUCHE!
Submitted by koreanboi2030 <koreanboi3.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-04 20:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YU KOREAN? PICATURE SAIY SO! YU NED JUB? WE GIVE YU JUB IN KOREAN GROCRY STOR! WE SELL GROCRY AND BIKES FOR TRAVIL, GROCRY AND BIKES ARE WHET WIY SELL!
Submitted by Rob at 2004-07-04 20:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well truth is many people are this pathetic, you'd be surprised at the things people ask for on the internet. And about fucking myself, only on saturdays.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-07-04 20:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Rob!
This was a joke. Why would I expect a bunch of people who don't know me or care about me to mail me shit? It's basically an experiment, those who are smart picked up on it. Go fuck yourself.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-04 19:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are so right. I had to help a friend move out in the burbs last weekend.
It was fucking scary. I am sure they are interbreeding out there. In a very Deliverance sort of way!
The burbs SUCK!!!
Submitted by Rob at 2004-07-04 19:10:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Im not going to ask "Dan, how the hell are we supposed to help you, you fucking idiot?", I'm just going to call you a fucking idiot, it's not a wonder you don't hardly have any friends, all you do is complain, you aren't the only one who has problems so dont bitch about how much your life sucks. Nothing pisses me off more than when people assume they have it worse than anyone else, it's like you think the goddamn world revolves around you, get up off your fuckin pitty pot and do something about it.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-04 19:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by jerk (user info) at 2004-07-04 18:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Next time you camwhore, make sure it's a shot of your cold dead body.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-04 16:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-04 15:41:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
boo fucking hoo
I guess we can't all be like Insane and depend on the state for survival.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-04 16:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Thanks for the thought cheruboo, but if YOU'RE going to send me a bomb, at least write a good post I can read before I die.
Can you say motherfucking PWNED!!!!?
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-07-04 15:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about cheruboo
User id: 7231
Registered on or around: 2004-03-31 16:59:17
# Messages posted: 6
# Reviews written: 58
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 60
# Hits: 876
Average rating of all messages: -1.17
Thanks for the thought cheruboo, but if YOU'RE going to send me a bomb, at least write a good post I can read before I die.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-07-04 15:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your ugly, for that I should send a bomb. DIE.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-04 15:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll happily send you a fiver on the condition that you use it to buy back some self-respect.
+1 because the thought of eating a lion corpse amuses me no end.
Submitted by GhostWriter (user info) at 2004-07-04 15:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Very well said, insane.
Submitted by GhostWriter (user info) at 2004-07-04 15:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Go look at porn or something, that always makes me feel better.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-04 15:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
boo fucking hoo.