No, Virginia, there is no Captain America (1128 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by itchy <Mritchytoyou.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-07-06 09:25:44 EDT
Everyone knows the story.
Before World War II, United States scientists were experimenting with cures for polio. Those scientists found a willing guinea pig in Steve Rogers a rejected volunteer for the U.S. armed services. Rogers' mind was willing, but his body was just physically unfit bear the rigors of government service.
Enter the "seething liquid" of the scientists. Injecting Rogers with the liquid transformed him into the paragon of patriotic perfection known as Captain America.
After nearly single-handedly dispatching the Nazi threat, Cap was left without purpose. That was, until it occurred to him to make it his job to reward all the good boys and girls in America with gifts and presents on the 4th of July.
Sure, the story sounds far-fetched, and many of my friends have told me that I have been a fool to believe it. However, as always, I have done my best to hold out hope, knowing in my heart of hearts that some things simply defy rational explanation.
That was, until this year, when it was proven beyond a reasonable doubt that there is no Captain America.
Some will react to this statement with shock and awe. Some will cry out, saying that it is only that I have lost my faith in Cap, not that he has let me down. To those who would claim such, I submit the following case:
I have, in the past year, been the best boy the Cap could have hoped for. I have gone above and beyond the call of duty in terms of being a nationalistic, jingoistic, xenophobic neo-con. I have not asked for anything in return. Like the Captain, I have done this out of a sense of duty and patriotism and a deeply abiding desire to do what was best for my country.
However, as the 4th of July crept nearer and nearer, there was one thing I hoped the Captain would do for me this year. It really wasn't much. All I wanted was the chance to see Spiderman II.
I wrote letters to the Captain, asking him to make sure to give me two tickets so that I could take my wife (and if he could find a baby-sitter, maybe Iron-man, or the Scarlet Witch, that would be great too. Otherwise, I could give my mom a call). Really, I don't think that was asking too much.
But, I am here to tell you, ladies and gentlemen THE CAPTAIN HAS NOT COME THROUGH. Not only did I not find two tickets to Spiderman II tucked into the yellow ribbon wrapped 'round my old oak tree in the front yard, but there was not even so much as a note explaining that due to drastic overspending on the war in Iraq, 4th of July gifts would be granted on case by case basis with priority going to those in need of vital organs.
Some might say that this was a case of the Captain feeling threatened by the popularity of Spiderman and not wanting to bolster support for a potential rival. To that I say, "pshaw." The Captain was not one to succumb to such petty rivalries.
Still others will claim that there is no way that Haliburton stood to make any money by the Captain procuring the tickets for me, so there is no way the request could be honored. To those skeptics, I would reply clearly and emphatically that Captain America resigned from the board of directors of Haliburton several years ago, and he has since sold any and all stocks, options, and bonds held in that corporation that he may have at one time owned. Sheesh, let it go already.
Then there are those who will argue that I was not overlooked by the Captain, but rather intentionally excluded. They will say that my nationalism, jingoism and xenophobia are NOT the sort of qualities that the Captain seeks to promote. They will argue still further that instead of tried and true American values, that these are the same qualities which the Captain himself fought to oppose in the second world war. Continuing on, they will suggest that had I instead asked for tickets to Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11, that I would have been rewarded. I would recommend that those who would argue such, PUT DOWN THE BONG, AND SLOWLY STEP AWAY. The Captain is a Republican to the core, and is far more likely to punch Moore in his scraggly, pre-pubescent beard covered face than purchase tickets to his "film." Besides, the Captain hasn't agreed with the judges at the Cannes film festival since they completely snubbed Kevin Costner's "The Postman" in 1997.
No, there can be only one explanation for this travesty of tradition. That explanation is that there is no Captain America.
I am sorry to have to break it to you like this, but I thought is was best you knew.
It is a dark day for this country indeed.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-02 10:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Maybe it's too american for me old horse.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-07-31 00:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-16 10:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The Postman" - great reference to a horrible movie
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-07-11 11:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cap was definitely threatened by spider man 2.
i didn't see the second punisher movie, but unfortunately i did see the first one.
dolph's best role was as ivan drago in rocky IV.
"I must break you."
classic.
Submitted by hairsphincter2 (user info) at 2004-07-07 01:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Itch, you can't have everything your way.
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-07-06 17:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't "Super Soldier Serum" just a fancy term for doping? He may be excluded from the Olympics, but somehow he's still a great American.
-Bus
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-07-06 17:16:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Come on people. . . is this seriously a "perfect 2" post? I don't think so. You know it and I know it. Would someone just do what needs to be done?
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-06 14:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-06 10:33:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I really think it was that Captain America was threatend by Spiderman. He thought that the comic book movie genre was destroyed by "Spawn" but out of nowhere Spiderman came along.
Now he's worried about his popularity. I think he should put out a movie
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There was a captain america movie waaay back in the late 70's early 80s, trust me, theres a good reason no-one's heard of it or the first Punisher movie.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually there IS a Captain Britain also called Excalibar (Yes, very imginative)
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have had you pegged as a Wonder Woman man.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
... or Celine Dion
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is however a captain england.
Me.
Great post itchmeister.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or even Kate Winslett
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Honestly, I would have rather seen Claire Daines...and that's saying A LOT!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I'm not complaining really. It's important in a movie that you actually care about what happens to the characters. I'm not sure how successful he was though. Honestly, I think Kiersten Dunst as MJ was awful casting and I find her to be not only unattractive but also annoying as shit.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-06 10:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-06 10:51:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA! The Captain is a jealous bastard!
Spiderman was pretty good, but they spent FAR to much time on character development and touchy feely crap and not enough action.
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That's what Sami Rami was going for though. He wanted to make the movie more of a Peter Parker focus rather than a Spiderman focus; his goal was to make it a relationship driven movie i.e. Peter-MJ, Peter-Aunt May, Peter-Uncle Ben, Peter-Harry
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-06 10:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-06 09:49:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't you hear? Captain America retired.
Some new guy, Captain Morgan, took his place.
The new guy took good care of me this past weekend.
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HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-06 10:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA! The Captain is a jealous bastard!
Spiderman was pretty good, but they spent FAR to much time on character development and touchy feely crap and not enough action.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-06 10:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really think it was that Captain America was threatend by Spiderman. He thought that the comic book movie genre was destroyed by "Spawn" but out of nowhere Spiderman came along.
Now he's worried about his popularity. I think he should put out a movie.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-07-06 10:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its that good.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-07-06 10:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking as a former comic collector who still has several hundred in mylar bags, tucked away in his parents basement, this is B@W material.
Also this "... I have gone above and beyond the call of duty in terms of being a nationalistic, jingoistic, xenophobic neo-con." is probably the single funnist sentence on Uber to date.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-07-06 10:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-07-06 10:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have gone above and beyond the call of duty in terms of being a nationalistic, jingoistic, xenophobic neo-con
That made me laugh so hard teas sprayed out of my nose and I wasnt even drinking tea!
As for the cap being fake, well next youll be telling me that my doctor isnt dr octopus, hes just an plod pervert who tapes old hoover nozzles to his naked body and touches me!
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-07-06 09:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent Santa parallel/analogy,
and I especically like the way you wrap it up.
Nice work. By the way, does the Hulk bring green beer on St.Patty's Day?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-06 09:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't you hear? Captain America retired.
Some new guy, Captain Morgan, took his place.
The new guy took good care of me this past weekend.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-07-06 09:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-06 09:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See you in hell justice league!!