Tips for a healthy sexual relationship. (NSFW Text) (1177 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.09 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainStach (View user info) at 2004-07-06 10:44:17 EDT
After reading the inquisitive article about oral sex (http://www.ubersite.com/m/37177), I decided that some people might need to know the secrets that CaptainStach has learned to creating and maintaining a healthy and fun sexual relationship. The following guide has been created primarily for women looking to enhance pleasure for their male partner during sex or oral sex.
1. Insult him constantly between pumps. Use phrases like, "You are so fucking fat." "This dick is small" "Your balls smell like sewage." And "I've seen less dingle berries on my grandma's Pomeranian."
2. If you decide to use your hand to enhance pleasure during oral sex, then try wearing a welding glove to give an added sensual bonus. Feel free to get creative at this point. Try Studded brass knuckles (which could also come into play later), or even cupping a ball of steel wool around the shaft.
3. Despite what anyone says, the most effective way to prevent AIDS transmission as well as pregnancy is to use superglue to seal the tip of the urethra. This will also give him a surprise at climax. It is best to apply the glue while sleeping, so as not to spoil the surprise.
4. Studies have shown that visual stimulation plays a big part in sex and oral sex. Dress like a young boy. Cut your hair short, or even shave it off, and wear a Cub Scouts uniform. The more merit badges you have on your belt and gold spears on your breast add to the realism. Find (or earn) the merit badge for water rockets. The irony will not be lost on your mate.
5. This one is very important. It is probably the most widely used technique for a powerful, earth-moving climax. There have been thousands of marriage proposals after the use of this method. When you feel that he is about to cum, I mean really at the last minute, when the ejaculate is in the shaft, punch him as hard as you can right in the balls. Make sure you follow through, like in a baseball swing, so that the percussive waves go on for hours. He may even pass out from the pleasure, giving you time to fix him a nice meatball sandwich.
6. Tell him you want to be his submissive. Let him know you are serious by chaining yourself to his toilet. Purchase an oversized anal and vaginal plug with a lockable chastity belt and give him the key. Tell him that he owns you now and that you forfeit your individuality. Encourage him to beat you for soiling yourself.
7. Have fun!
Using these steps has been proven in many households to provide a gratifying sexual and emotional relationship. Remember to always be responsible and abort your pregnancies.
User Reviews
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-07-06 17:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like #7.
Submitted by CaptainStach (user info) at 2004-07-06 15:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wazzawazzayo- I am a man, but I can definatley hook you up with some former girlfriends who helped inspire this short guide.
Submitted by Harmless (user info) at 2004-07-06 15:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can vouch for this guy, its all true!
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-07-06 14:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please, please be a woman because I think I'm in love.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-07-06 13:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I mean really at the last minute, when the ejaculate is in the shaft"
awesome. i'm gonna try that one even if it means doing it to myself.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-06 13:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for #6
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When you feel that he is about to cum, I mean really at the last minute, when the ejaculate is in the shaft, punch him as hard as you can right in the balls. Make sure you follow through, like in a baseball swing, so that the percussive waves go on for hours. He may even pass out from the pleasure, giving you time to fix him a nice meatball sandwich.
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I think a little pee came out.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok this was funny, except for 6.
That one was serious.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Have you been peeping through my windows again?
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cut your hair short, or even shave it off, and wear a Cub Scouts uniform.
12 year old boy comments always bring a demented smile to my face...
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-06 11:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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