Amber (680 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.2 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Marty Rainer <RainerLagStyle.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-07-06 14:25:42 EDT
How do you even begin to describe the almost surreal being that is Amber?
Amber. Just saying her name brings me one foot closer to Heaven.
The way her eyes shine; not unlike that of the Tuscan sun. It's almost unbelievable, how voluptuous one can be without even trying.
The way her hair, although she does not appreciate it, is borderline ambrosial.
The way her lips glisten, even when she has no lipstick on, is amazingly salacious.
Just speaking with her brightens my day. Knowing that I can't have her, brings quite the opposite.
Beautiful isn't the right word to describe her, but it's the first that comes to mind.
Looking at her gives me a sharp pain in my stomache -- the pain of knowing I cannot have her. The pain that haunts the pit of your stomache, with covetous thoughts that cannot be.
Never have I loved another so much that it pained me to look at them. To talk to them. To know that they are taken.
I love her personality. I love her complete lack of narcissism. I love her eyes. I love the way they light up when she sees me. I love her attitude about everything.
I love her.
I know it's wrong. I know I shouldn't covet that which is not mine. The rules do not apply when the object of these covetous thoughts is so perfect in every way.
I used to dream about a girl. A girl that I would one day be with, for the rest of my life. She had no face; I now have a face to put on the body. My dreams are complete.
Thank you Amber. Thank you for breaking the barrier of shyness and speaking to me. Thank you for coming into my life. I would have hated myself if I had ever missed out on something this good.
Even if I cannot have it; if it is not tangible.
I love you.
User Reviews
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-07-07 06:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
someone, I'm glad SOMEONE caught that. :)
And I just noticed that <> is FilthyAssistant. Thanks for reviewing, you're one of my favorite authors.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-07-06 21:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pretty much what everybody else said, though i did like this one line:
Beautiful isn't the right word to describe her, but it's the first that comes to mind.
Blatant grab, whether intentional or not, from palanuik's book survivor.
Submitted by mad_monkey_mojo (user info) at 2004-07-06 16:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, I know her. She swallows.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-07-06 15:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"almost surreal being"
"one foot closer to Heaven"
"borderline ambrosial"
"amazingly salacious"
"speaking with her brightens my day"
"My dreams are complete"
"If it is not tangible"
So cliché, and yet so totally lacking in imagery.
The only truly descriptive words in here are "shine" and "glisten."
"how voluptuous one can be"..."how do you even begin to describe"...
...
Ok, I give up, how?
You have shown that it is possible to use a thesaurus without managing to sound like you have any idea what you are talking about. I get no emotion out of this, I don't get it. You are obviously enamored, say why. Don't just say she is beautiful or her hair smells of the gods. Tell the feelings not the pain, give the image, not the word. Make me feel your pain. Bring us in to this fantasy and yearn for what you cannot have. Don't sound like an 8th grader pining about the girl dating a high-school kid.
Submitted by hank_scorpio (user info) at 2004-07-06 15:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
awwwwwwwwwwwww
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-07-06 15:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
It didn't make me smile
I've seen better?
yeah that works.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-06 15:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-07-06 15:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah, I guess my vocab is a little too...know-it-all, if you will.
Thanks for the input though. Constructive criticism is always welcomed. :)
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-06 14:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok, you might think this is harsh but this is my honest reaction. This reads like you're trying too hard (borderline ambrosial, amazingly salacious etc) and there were a few clichéd images. That's not to say it's a bad piece, it just doesn't feel real somehow. Maybe you could try describing her in more everyday terms to bring her to life - acknowledge her flaws to make her believable.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-06 14:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm thinking this is a solid 0.
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-07-06 14:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment