Recipe of a Madman (DoaM 9). (1523 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: doam
Rating: 1.86 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bigmike (View user info) at 2004-07-07 00:35:29 EDT
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/32509
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/33570
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/34316
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/34888
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/35267
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/35421
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/36168
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/36657
"From the Heart"
Ingredients:
1 Shovel
6 Garbage bags (opaque)
3-6 grams Crystal Meth
1 heart (2 servings)
1 cup Water
2 tbsp Olive Oil
Salt & Pepper
Steak Spice
Garlic Salt
Beef boullion Cube
Rosemary
Thyme
2 Onions
2 Green peppers
3 Stalks Celery
1 Carrot
1 cup Broccoli Heads
1 cup Mushrooms
Instructions:
Dig a grave. Six feet deep, six feet long, three feet wide.
The Crystal Meth should be used consistently throughout preparation of this recipe.
Find yourself a nice middle aged woman who is in fairly decent shape. Stalk her for as long as it takes for you to get her daily routine memorized (approx. 2 weeks). Find the perfect time in her routine when she leasts expect it and abduct her. Bring her to your home out in the country. Blindfold her, bind her with rope and rape her repeatedly over the course of three days. Ignore pleas and offers of money. Kill her by cutting off her limbs and watching as she bleeds to death all over your tile floor. Watch closely as the blood will form patterns on the tile that look suspiciously like a Jackson Pollack painting. Remove her heart.
Rinse heart in cold, running water to remove all blood. Trim off fat. Let stand in cold salted water for just enough time as it takes to clean up remnants of woman lying dead on the floor. Use the garbage bags. This should be approximately 1 to 2 hrs. Don't forget to take pictures. Remove heart from cold salted water and place in a pot of boiling salted water.
Boil 15 to 20 min. Bury body in pre-prepared grave while heart boils. Make sure garbage bags are secure.
Wash your hands.
Remove heart and cut into 2 centimeter slices. Place in hot, oiled skillet. Sprinkle with steak spice, pepper and garlic salt. Saute quickly on both sides, about 1 minute each side
Sauté onions in oiled skillet for 5 minutes. Add remaining vegetables. Sprinkle with rosemary, thyme, garlic powder, and pepper. Dissolve boullion in cup of hot water and add to vegetables. Simmer 10 minutes or to desired tenderness.
Serve by starting with a good portion of the sauté then cover with 2 or 3 slices of the heart and garnish.
A nice light red wine will flavor wonderfully with this dish. If you like, you can marinate the heart first with whatever spices you prefer. I find that a little Jack Daniels doesn't hurt and adds a bit of nutty aftertaste. I have had it either way, marinated or not, but the best flavor comes with just a little red wine and garlic.
If you prefer an early morning meal, two eggs over lightly and two slices of wheat toast with a generous portion of real butter go excellently with this meal.
Share this dish with your other "guests" if you like. Let them know that this is how they will taste too. Do this only after they have swallowed since the urge to spit it out will be tremendous for them.
Enjoy.
User Reviews
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-22 17:48:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-12-31 06:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not sure abour the humourous aspect on this one.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-08-08 00:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds delicious. I'll have to try it sometime.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-17 01:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-14 23:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-07-08 23:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-08 23:06:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay. You wrote a DoaM post that made me laugh. I wouldn't have thought that was possible. One thing stood out, though.. it takes longer than 20 minutes to bury a body.
Not if you prepare my dear Circe. Remember step one. Dig a grave........... :)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-08 23:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay. You wrote a DoaM post that made me laugh. I wouldn't have thought that was possible. One thing stood out, though.. it takes longer than 20 minutes to bury a body.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-07 13:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stolen from the Hannibal Lecter Library.
Mmmmmm... tasty.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-07 10:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think a dash of chili powder would bring out the flavor nicely. Serve it with a nice gouda cheese and a chardonnay.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-07-07 10:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am trying to get away from this sick facination.
Submitted by Theory_Eyed (user info) at 2004-07-07 04:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
which olive oil do you recomend? extra virgin or normal?
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-07-07 03:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just two onions? Are you sure?
I have the creeps. Thanks.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-07 02:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I shall send this recipe to Nigela Lawson. I am sure she would love to feature it on her next cooking show........not.
Submitted by blackflames667 (user info) at 2004-07-07 02:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to post a similar story i wrote tonight, but this one is very good and I think it needs some time to be admired.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-07 01:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The girls are here! Time to work my magic.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-07 01:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit. That was actually supposed to be + BigMike.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-07 01:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Without cleaning my nuts off!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-07 01:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No the surprise comes when I punch her in the mouth and start banging her mom in front of her.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-07-07 01:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-07 01:11:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah BigMike, I'm all over that dude.
By the way, I was thinking of asking my girlfriend to eat peanut butter off of my nutsack tonight.
She loves surprises.
Mix a little of that marshmallow Fluff stuff in with it. Then you will have a true "fluffernutter". I'll bet that will be a surprise.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-07 01:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah BigMike, I'm all over that dude.
By the way, I was thinking of asking my girlfriend to eat peanut butter off of my nutsack tonight.
She loves surprises.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-07-07 01:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, I hear that the heart is rather unpleasant to eat- very stringy and tough.
What?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-07-07 01:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Thinking about dead bodies as you're concealing a dead body--now that's fucked up in ways even the Catholic church can't equal."
Funniest thing I've read all day.
And no, I'm not a sicko. :) I've just always wanted to write something from the perspective of the maniacal mind. That's how DoaM was born.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-07 00:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I was thinking about banging cheerleaders because I was busy concealing a dead body.
What are you, some kinda sicko?
Thinking about dead bodies as you're concealing a dead body--now that's fucked up in ways even the Catholic church can't equal.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-07-07 00:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's funny. I thought you were thinking about banging cheerleaders about an hour ago.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-06 23:55:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
What about banging the cheerleader?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-07 00:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmm.
It would be interesting if I hadn't done it like an hour ago.