Tom vs. Hanson (3408 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.93 on 67 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-07-07 12:00:14 EDT
I'm not going to put up all the links to all the Tom stories that I've written in the last month or so. You can dig them up at your leisure, and I'll just get right into the tale:
My friends and I used to play pranks on each other all the time. I once emptied an entire bottle of mayonnaise into Tom's pillowcase. Tom retaliated by pinching an enormous loaf in the toilet right before we all left for Christmas break, leaving it to rot for three weeks and greet me when I got back. Tom took photos of Nick's balls on my forehead while I was passed out on the couch. I exacted revenge by hiding a carton of eggs in Nick's bedroom closet for nine weeks. You get the idea?
Tom and Nick thought it would be funny to torture me while we were on our Spring Break road trip, so Tom went out and purchased a copy of Hanson's #1 smash hit single, "MmmBop" on CD. Now understand, it was no ordinary CD single. You see, most CD singles have a B-side; that is to say, there is usually more than 1 song on the disc, sometimes as many as three or four. And such was the case with that CD. Track #1 was the RADIO version of "MmmBop", track #2 - the LIVE version of "MmmBop", track #3 - the EXTENDED version of "MmmBop". Track #4? The DUST BROTHERS REMIX of "MmmBop".
I'm not afraid to admit that I used to think the song was a little catchy before that day, and would often find myself tapping my feet along with it whenever it happened to come on the radio. Not anymore. The tune infected my cortex and made me go temporarily insane. After the 147th listening, I wanted to disembowel the two of them and strangle them with their own intestines, damn the consequences. For seven straight hours I listened to that Goddamned shitty ass fucking song. I begged. I pleaded, I offered to eat my own hand for their entertainment, if only they would never play that hellish single again. No go.
After arriving at the beach and supplying them both with a beat down commensurate with their offense, we had a pretty fun vacation.
On the way back to school they did it to me again.
The prank became a sort of running joke between us. Tom would hide the CD in my room to be found months later. I would conceal it in his dirty laundry to be found years later. The prank extended beyond the state of North Carolina and sometimes even the continental United States. It followed Nick to his brother's house in Connecticut. It found its way in my luggage to Cancun. It surreptitiously went with Tom to Toronto to see his "Canadian girlfriend".
And it went with me to graduate school in Australia. When I arrived in my dorm in Sydney, a couple of local students offered to help me move into the dorm. I accepted, but while we were unpacking one of the froze and said to me, "What the fuck is this, mate? You a fucking poof?"
I turned and saw it. That cursed CD. Tom had gotten me.
I shipped it FedEx to Nick along with a stuffed Koala bear.
Nick gave it to Tom's mother to give to him. Said it was an "instructional video".
Tom shipped it to my advisor at school, to give it to me at graduation. My reputation in the lab declined rapidly after that.
I held on to it. I had a plan. It could have taken years, but I would get the last laugh.
Nick and I were invited to Tom's wedding. It was a beautiful affair. I didn't even know the bride, because I hadn't seen or spoken to Tom in several years. But we went and had fun, drank and cavorted like old times. When it came time for the bride and groom to have their first dance, instead of Etta James performing the beautiful and haunting melody of "At Last", what came out of the speakers was the horrifyingly haunting melody of "MmmBop." Tom, shockingly, did not freak out (probably because his wife was in on it and quickly calmed him down), but I've been watching my back ever since. That was six years ago.
Guess what I just got in the mail yesterday?
User Reviews
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-18 16:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-07-26 21:49:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha! That's almost as good as me smashing my wife's face in the cake at our engagement (true story).
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-07-19 12:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-07-15 16:06:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo:
I love these Tom stories please keep them coming. Everytime I hear about the way that he flips out, I think of one particular phrase -- "brute-retard strength". If I were a superhero, I would want that to be my superpower.
This post should be a perfect plus 2.
Submitted by Confuzius (user info) at 2004-07-15 15:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom could start an ubercult
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-15 15:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That was quite a streak I had going there. Curse you,negative2man, for bringing all my hopes and dreams crashing to the ground.
Submitted by negative2man. (user info) at 2004-07-15 10:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-07-14 18:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All hail Jimbo.
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent work. keep up the feud
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That middle punk looks like the arse 12-year-old kid who bodybuilds...
Little tyke...
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to disagree with Envenom, this was fucking awesome. I burst out laughing 3 or 4 times during this: something i have never done while reading an Uber post.
In-fucking-credible. Playing it at the wedding was a stroke of fucking GENIUS.
Hahahahaha, that's it I'm bookmarking this page.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahah!
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe this streak is still going. I liked it, but it wasn't even one of the better ones in the series.
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful work once again
Submitted by Gish (user info) at 2004-07-13 17:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another Tom story!!!
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-07-12 16:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahha
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-12 16:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe, excellent.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-07-12 09:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Top of the Best Ever List...Well Done. One more till 50....
Keep up the good work.
Espo
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-07-10 01:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
I fucked the girl in Hanson.
Submitted by Theory_Eyed (user info) at 2004-07-10 01:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hanson...
...it could only be hanson.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-08 14:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This streak ranks up there with Ripkin and DiMaggio.
Submitted by johnnyno (user info) at 2004-07-08 14:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
serious streak.
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2004-07-08 04:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on greatest post ever, you deserve it! You've become one of my favorites on the site ever since you started the Tom and Dano series.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-07-08 03:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How sassy the middle one is!
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-08 03:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-07-08 02:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha. Daamit, Jimbo, keep 'em coming. As promised, here's another +2. I can just see the look on everyone's face when that blasted song started playing at the dance.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-07-08 00:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-07-07 22:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious, even if embellished.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-07 19:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not really a 2, but I'm not going to fuck with your streak.
Man, that Taylor Hanson chick is hot!
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-07 19:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom got married?! How did that happen?!
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-07-07 17:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The one in the middle like Ashley Olsen, kindof.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-07 17:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That "six" should be "three".
And it may have been Überized a smidge.
Submitted by WhiteLightning (user info) at 2004-07-07 17:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"But I don't think the timeline works out right. If that was 6 years ago, the song MmmBop would have only been around a year old. All that other shit couldn't have happened within a year...
Or could it?"
-------------------------------------------------
A fate worse than death, yikes...
But Herpes is right, your timeline can't work as such.
Today is July 7, 2004.
Six years ago is July 7, 1998
Graduate studies... say between 2-4 years... is July 7, 1994-1996
College, another 1-3 years... July 7, 1991-1993.
So this all started somewhere around 1991-1995, at the latest (by this timeline).
That album was released mid 1997, as would the single have been.
Regardless, I can't help but laugh my ass off reading this, it reminds me of that SNL skit they were in, where they get locked in the elevator... anyone else remember it?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-07-07 16:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-07-07 16:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh the horror!
But I don't think the timeline works out right. If that was 6 years ago, the song MmmBop would have only been around a year old. All that other shit couldn't have happened within a year...
Or could it? +2 either way.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-07 15:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by amy8moo (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah..more Tom! I truly look forward to his next "anger management" moment.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the Tom series. One thing Jimbo...WE NEED MORE TOM!!!
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanted to disembowel the two of them and strangle them with their own intestines, damn the consequences. For seven straight hours I listened to that Goddamned shitty ass fucking song. I begged. I pleaded, I offered to eat my own hand for their entertainment, if only they would never play that hellish single again. No go.
-----
If I only had a nickel for every time I wanted to disembowel one of my friends....
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You gotta love running jokes amongst friends.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheh, classic. Clearly, Tom rules.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha that's some good stuff.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Peter: OH MY GOD ITS THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN
Submitted by AnchorMan (user info) at 2004-07-07 13:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good read.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-07-07 13:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-07-07 13:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-07 13:36:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Tom is married? *cries*
-------------------------
Like that would stop you whorebag.
Awesome post once again.
VIVA LA PLUSHY ARMY!!!!!!!
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2004-07-07 13:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-07 13:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Tom is married? *cries*
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-07 13:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-07 13:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The two youngest ones look like girls. And sound like them too.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-07-07 13:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think he'll ever be able to top playing that at the wedding.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom must be a spawn of my being.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome as always
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahaha
that song is the devil
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My bro got the Hanson album when it first came out and I still dig it out whenever he's sitting at home with his classic rock friends.
Submitted by WRECKER (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, very nice.
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! not as great as some Tom stories, but still not bad. all it was missing was Tom screaming like a skunk ape and wrapping Nick's (or a kitten's) spine around a tree.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha.
The picture is going to give me nightmares.
Submitted by dudette (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOOOO!!!
I are drunk.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-07-07 12:03:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pure gold.