Acapulco Delight (567 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.93 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <vodka7tall.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-07-07 14:18:45 EDT
The waves looked a little choppy, but I was a good swimmer. Heck, I grew up with a pool in the back yard from the time I was born. I can handle it.
That's what I thought as I looked out on the bay of Acapulco. The sun was scorching, so hot that walking across the white sand felt more like walking on fire. Not even the umbrella stuck in the sand between the two beach chairs could hide you from it's searing rays.
My husband looks like he's about to spontaneously combust. He doesn't take to the heat well, and it's showing. "Let's go for a swim," I suggest. "We can go rent one of those inner tubes, you know, just relax and ride the waves for a while."
He looks at the ocean, then over to the dark skinned little man at the rental area, then back at me. "Yeah, alright. I'm fucking dying here." He grabs a twenty dollar bill from his wallet, and the two of us tip-toe over to the rental area. We prance around like a couple of ballet dancers on crack, trying to make as little contact with the sand as possible. We arrive at the rental area; the dark skinned little man exchanges the money for a large multi-coloured tube, which is blazing hot from sitting in the sun.
We soak the tube in the salty water, just to cool it down enough so as not to burn our skin. The tube is huge, the kind they would use in a tractor tire. My husband holds it steady as I climb on top, then manages to jump on beside me without sending the two of us catapulting into the ocean. The water is warmer than I expect, probably because of the shallow depth, but refreshing nonetheless.
We casually float on the temperate water, the gentle ocean breeze cooling our skin just enough that we can no longer feel the sun's rays burning into our flesh. The movement of the waves is soothing, and the thunderous sound as they crash into the sand is almost serene in a way. We were totally at ease, in a complete state of zen.
So much so, in fact, that we failed to notice the little yellow flags up and down the beach being casually changed to red ones. The swells of the ocean begin to rise higher and higher, but in our relaxed state, we are oblivious. Suddenly, one of the larger waves breaks into a white-cap, and comes crashing down on top of us. We're instantly knocked out of our state of calm, only to find ourselves fighting to find the surface. Seconds later, we both emerge at the top, clench on to the tube, and have a good laugh at ourselves.
Another wave crashes down around us, but we manage to stay afloat. "It's getting pretty rough out here," my husband says. "I think we should head in before it gets any worse."
I nod my head in agreement, and the two of us begin paddling our way back to shore. After 3 or 4 more waves crash on our heads, and we lose hold of the inner tube as many times, we decide it's better to climb inside the tube. That way, we'll stay on the surface of the water, and we'll have a better grip on the enormous tube.
We climb inside the tube and continue kicking our way towards the shore, only to notice the waves have increased in both number and intensity. The powerful surf propels us forward like being shot from a canon, only to pull us out further into the bay than we were before it hit. Reaching the shore seems like a never-ending battle, but we persist in our efforts despite the exhaustion which is quickly setting in.
We kick and paddle, until another mighty wave sends us crashing onto the beach. My husband lands on top of me, and my spine crunches. The sound reminds me of stepping on cornflakes. My husband is shaken loose from the tube, and climbs to his feet, just in time to watch as the receding wave pulls me back into the deep, along with the tube.
Seconds later, I am thrust back onto the sand. It feels like dropping from a second story window onto pavement. My joints ache, but I hardly notice as the adrenaline begins to pump from the fear that is quickly setting in. This landing, combined with the first spine-crunch and the fatigue from paddling makes it nearly impossible for me to untangle myself from the tube. I somehow manage to break free, but instantly I am drawn back into the water by the ebb of the wave. The inner tube is hauled back out with me, left to drift with the tide. I manage to make eye contact with my husband on the shore, as I'm dragged along the sand. I give him a look of sheer terror, as it becomes increasingly evident to me that I won't be able to pull myself out of the water.
Before I can cry out to him, I'm picked up once again by the malevolent water, and hurled face-first into the beach. The sand and salt water stings my eyes. I look up, disoriented and hurting, to seek out the helping hand of my husband. The last thing I see before I'm heaved back into the vicious surf is my loving husband, clutching the inner tube that had crashed ashore beside me.
That son of a bitch was more concerned about the inner tube than he was about me, his beloved, drowning on some god forsaken beach in some pissy little excuse for a country. Fear turned to anger. Anger turned to rage. "FUCKING HELgllgugllu," I choke back a mouthful of saltwater as I call out to him, only to be tossed onto the sand yet another time. "HELP ME GODDAMMIT!!!"
It finally occurs to him that the courteous thing to do would be to put down the fucking $20 inner tube, and pull his wife from clutches of hell, as she is CLEARLY having a bit of trouble doing so herself. He extends a hand, and pulls me to my feet. In return for his gallant effort, I graciously punch him in the stomach, repeatedly. I would have kicked him in the sack, but I'm actually thinking about having children with this bastard some day.
"What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm fucking drowning, and you're worried about the inner tube?" I ask indignantly.
"I didn't want to lose the deposit."
Apparently, I'm worth less than $20 worth of used rubber. Always nice to know.
Asshole.
User Reviews
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-27 14:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vacations can be soooooooo relaxing!
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-08 00:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok I am a male and due to the small amount of effective grey matter by comparison of many women I might have almost been as bad as your husband.
No. I wouldn't have.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-07 18:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
20 bucks? He wouldn't by any chance be Jewish would he?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-07-07 17:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RIP HIS HEAD OFF!!
(Shameless Old School line)
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-07-07 16:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gravy.
-Bus
Submitted by cowstastegood (user info) at 2004-07-07 16:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way you tell a story.
Submitted by imsogravy (user info) at 2004-07-07 16:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm fucking drowning, and you're worried about the inner tube?" I ask indignantly.
"I didn't want to lose the deposit."
Apparently, I'm worth less than $20 worth of used rubber. Always nice to know.
Asshole.
This alone deserves a +2.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-07 15:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
corriente peligrosa
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-07-07 15:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tee hee. Mexico can make you re evaluate what your priorities are.
Submitted by WRECKER (user info) at 2004-07-07 15:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All inclusive trip to Mexico for 2: $1200
SPF 20,000: $15
Little-Ass rental tube: $20
Watching your wife get her ass kicked by the Gulf of Mexico, only to get beat senseless on a beach of fellow tourists and honey-mooners: Priceless.
Cool story.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-07 15:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i definitely would have kicked him in the goodies.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-07 15:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<insert tasteless 'used rubber' joke here>
Good post.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:57:24 (#)
Ranking: 1
Thats what you get for staring at Ranger Joe.
----
Hahaha... if only it were true. This actually happened several years before my little tryst with Ranger Joe.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:57:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Thats what you get for staring at Ranger Joe.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm worth less than $20 worth of used rubber."
That shit only costs $3 bucks. We're talking Mexico here. I was recently appraised at 75 cents, the cost of a game of pool at a dive bar. So consider yourself lucky.
Good post.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn flotation devices
Submitted by ToiletChunx (user info) at 2004-07-07 14:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah shit that's the best thing I've read here all day. By wife would've kicked me in sac---twice.