The porta-craper incident (long) (2272 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fat Tony (View user info) at 2004-07-07 20:07:38 EDT
Both toilets are broken. Long story short, we've got two porta-crappers outside in the yard.I come
to the shop in the morning, and I see the portapot moving. Is it a dog? Was it my burrito? I pull
the screw driver out of the lock and I see a bum.
Me: Dude? Whatcha doin in my porta-crapper?
Bum: Muthafucker locked me in here all night!
Me: Who locked you in there all night? Dayum you stink!
Bum: That asshole with the bald head. I was stuck in a toilet all night, what cha expect? Roses?
Me: Ah! Jesse. He is a muthafucker alright. Mayne, take a shower! Go round back, all we got is Lava soap.
Bum: Soap? Where?
Me: Go towards the back, it says Shower. Take a shower, then come to my office.
I go in the uniform pile and get him a pair of pants and a shirt. No undies, no shoes. I get 20 or
so rags from the Box-O-Rags and he dries off and comes in my office with a uniform. Almost fits.
Me: Hey! You look human. Do me a favor, go shave, get a haircut, go down the street and get shoes.
Bum: How?
Me: Here take this (hands $50.00)
Bum: I'm hungry.
Me: Fine, go eat, get a haircut, trim the beard and buy shoes (payless is down the corner)
Jesse's going to pay. And he's going to pay severely. Not all bums are crazy. This one seems very
intelligent. Razor sharp. I find it interesting that he didn't ask my name. Doh! It says Tony on my
shirt. Oh well.
The bum walks in and you can swear he is a normal human being. Crew cut (high & tight) did a #1
on the beard and wearing a new pair of sneaks.
Bum: Sorry I couldn't shave, I didn't have a razor.
Me: You want a job?
Bum: When do I start?
Me: Right now, grab a
Bum: Hold on, let me check my calendar.... Ok, I'm free.
Me: (likes the smart ass remark) Sweep, make clean, nice. Go.. (and he is off and working)
Little guy is hard at work. In walks Jesse. "Where's my pet! What happened to my dawg!" I explain
to him that it was cruel what he did and he laughs at me. "Dude, go see what that asshole did to
the portapot! I wont get my deposit back now!" So, he goes to see what damage was done.
He walks over, I push him in, lock the door. He's screaming his head off. I call the bum over.
Me: Dude, what's your name?
Bum: Scott Cameron.
Me: Scott, meet the muthafucker that locked you in the porta-crapper all night like a dog. Enjoy!
I walk away and sit in my office. I've got a clean shot of the porta-crapper. Personally I hate
Jesse like an sack pimple. Annoying, bothersome, for no reason. Polishes like a magician, but his
assholeness overpowers his polishing abilities. Today is his last day. He's in the crapper all day.
Yea, right. In walks Jesse.
Jesse: You locked me in the crapper man! You locked me in the CRAPPER MAN!
Me: Don't yell at me bitch. How'd you get out?
Scott: I let him out.
Me: YOU ASSHOLE! I should have told you that you can do whatever you wanted.
Scott: I know, I didn't have to ask permission. I would have beaten him to death if I wanted.
Jesse: Fuck you, how about that. AND FUCK YOU TOO!
Me: I've had enough of your shit. Get out, don't come back. Friday is your last paycheck.
Jesse: Screams some shit and walks away. Argued for 10 minutes.
So I start talking to the old dude. I asked him why didn't he leave him in there all night. He
then explains to me that if God forgave him, he must forgive others. I nearly fell out of my seat.
I asked him why didn't he get scared of Jesse and he tells me he knows how to hold his own. I
keep bothering the dude, and he tells me he was a United States Marine who served in Viet Nam.
He was let go on a dishonorable discharge and lost his benefits for assaulting an officer and some
other crap. Did some time for the assault, and got out with nowhere to go and nothing to do.
Me: What happened after that?
Scott: I came home, addicted to drugs and having nightmares.
Me: How long you been on the street?
Scott: 7 may 8 years. I lost count.
Me: You wanna work for me?
Scott: Sir, yes SIR!
Me: Crash here, call this number give them your sizes and tell them you need 5 uniforms. There's
food in the fridge, coffee in the cabinet and the TV only gets 5 channels. (tosses $50.00 to him)
This is for today's work.
The asshole gives me the $50 back. You already gave me $50 earlier today, I still got $5. By the
way, I know how to operate that Cincinnati lathe and the Bridgeport mill, I worked those for 3
years when I was in the core.
Unfucking real.
Me: You know how to operate the Bridgeport? It's a CNC ya know.
Scott: (laughes) CNC, NC, conventional I know that Bridgeport like the back of my hand.
Me: So... you want to operate the machine?
Scott: I'm a better machinist then I am a sweeper. It will take me a week or so to get my bearings back
Me: So, how much you want per hour?
Scott: I don't give a fuck man. Do you want my social?
Me: YOU GOT A SOCIAL?
Scott: Just cause I got dog tags, don't mean I'm a dog. Yes I got a social.
Me: Let's see how good a machinist you are and we'll go from there. Jarhead.
Scott: Sir. Thank you sir.
I lost a damn good polisher. Yet I gained an experienced machinist. I was also taught a lesson on
forgiveness.
User Reviews
Submitted by tbone (user info) at 2005-08-23 14:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quite impressive storytelling
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-06-15 14:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
............/\
For obvious reasons.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-15 13:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-15 13:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you right posts like this anymore? you got mean.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-06-15 13:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw.
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2005-06-15 12:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i cant believe this post hasnt been +2d by me
until now
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-30 19:38:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-12-30 19:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now that's compassion.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't be fooled, people! Most bums would eat your eyes for $50!
Submitted by Amusingly_shaped_semen_stain (user info) at 2004-10-06 10:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Enriche (user info) at 2004-08-13 23:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meeting people like that is always great.
It's one of those things where you have to look past the outside, even though it was for poor (yet hilarious and wellworth it) reasons
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-29 01:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-07-21 16:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy brilliance.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-07-20 22:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-07-20 22:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding!
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-07-16 18:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tony, I'm really starting to like you.
Plus we have the same name.
+2
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-16 16:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
any story with a bum is greatness
this was superb writing on top
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-07-14 14:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I could get such a large dose of condensed life in one day.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-07-14 14:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit from Fat Tony.
Submitted by johnnyno (user info) at 2004-07-14 14:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by woods39 (user info) at 2004-07-09 15:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good reading
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-07-09 15:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by Boogely_eyes (user info) at 2004-07-08 12:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fookin awesome.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2004-07-08 12:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jme7551: I was prepared to let Scott do whatever he wanted with the Porto-Crapper, even tip it over.
If he wanted to leave him in there all night, I swear I would have left him in there for 24 hours.
Turns out Scott was a bad muthafucker in the Marines, he had well over 250 kills (that's when he
stopped counting), he estimates it at 400ish. Turns out he became a Christian and mellowed out 99%.
If it wasn't for the language, he'd be the calmest person I know (what do you expect from a Marine).
I'll continue this post, later on today. He shocked the shit out of me. By far, he is the most
interesting person I've ever seen.
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2004-07-08 12:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aw
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-08 12:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i would have gave jessie a swirlie if he locked me in there. that bum
was way too nice.
Submitted by bad_absinthe (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A complete departure from the usual - good read with a moral. Hopefully, its not bullshit.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:48:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit Tony.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. A lot.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-08 10:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-08 10:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another great one. MORE FATTONY DAMMIT.
How about next time you launch a bum in a rocketship?
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-07-08 09:56:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a hard S.O.B. to figure out. Just when I start getting tired of your crap, you go and pull something like this out of your ass. Good job!
Submitted by buxton (user info) at 2004-07-08 09:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Definately worth the read, the length didn't bother me at all (thats what she said...HAHAHA).
Bums can be very interesting people, the right ones at least. I vaguely remember buying a bum at hotdog at the Varsity on my way back from a beer festival a few weeks ago, if I remembered more it would make a great post I'm sure, but it was all the beer you could drink, and we all know how those end.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-07-08 09:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good work, the story and the job
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-08 09:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, you're getting +2's from rather unexpected sources.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-08 07:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Compassion has its rewards.
Submitted by Dashal (user info) at 2004-07-08 01:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Long live the Honey Bucket.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-07-08 01:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-08 01:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i fuckin loved this
Submitted by Confuzius (user info) at 2004-07-08 01:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice to see theres still some decent people out there.
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-07-08 00:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You no tipping son of a bitch. I thought I was destined to hate you but all you do is rule all over the place, well done.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2004-07-08 00:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Koolmang gave me +2? Holy Catfish batman!
(thanks)
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-07-08 00:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-07-07 22:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like bums.
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-07-07 22:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fat Tony, look up here! This is where the tears would be if I could cry! But I can't. Botched facelift.
Submitted by AndraSidan (user info) at 2004-07-07 22:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome post man...rock on
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-07 22:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Punk-not-dead (user info) at 2004-07-07 20:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was good. I usually dont read big posts like that but i couldnt stop. Good man
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-07-07 20:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont much bother rating anymore, but this deserves it.