Biggie size this fucker! (42208 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.81 on 87 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NecroFeelYa (View user info) at 2004-07-08 08:13:12 EDT
Many times during the day I received junk emails. Normally I simply delete them , truly taken with a grain of salt. Luring me with a free ipod, laptop, x-box, and finally the bigger penis pill. While skimming through my 123 bits of spam, I came across something that caught my eye. The title of the email was "Super size your penis!" Strangely enough this was being sent to me by someone named Greg Colburn. It feels wrong to have another man take such great interest in your cocks length. I figured I would do the noble thing and see what this company had to offer.
I do not claim to be a wise man. Some things in life I feel even a complete fool SHOULD understand. Like "Pets need to be fed" or "You cannot make your dick 3 inches longer in a week, short of an operation." This was the pill makers claim to fame. "Your penis will grow 3 inches in a week OR YOUR MONEY BACK!!!"
While I read about the latest herbal discovery, something dawned on me. These people must honestly think I need a bigger penis! It all became clear to me now. I had led them on with my countless emails to the company claiming so, such as. "Do you know how to make my penis bigger?" "Hey, random person. My dick isn't big enough, why don't you fix that for me?" Or "OMG lik make my p3n1$ Pwnz joo!" I defiantly needed to contact them, and let them know I was sorry.
With my digital camera firmly tucked into my Hammer pants I realized I had never emailed them about my penis. Someone must be spreading wild rumors about my cock on the Internet. Time for a Google search! "Eddie small penis." Nothing. "Eddie not well endowed." Nothing "Eddie needle dick the bug fucker." Damn still no sign of the rumor. I had to make right this wrong. Wait a tick...... "Any questions call 1-866-662-7127 Toll free 24/7" Time to get to the bottom of this!
Max: "Thank you for calling, this is Max how can I help you?"
Me: "Hello Max, this is Eddie, I received an email concerning my penis size."
Max: "So you are interested in our Vimax Pills. Ok well we have a one months supply for...."
(I cut him off in mid pitch, They love this.)
Me: "No Max, I don't think you understand. My penis is just peachy. What concerns me is why does your company think it is big enough?"
Max: "Excuse me sir? I don't think I understand. You received an email from us, and you don't want to order?"
Me: "Max, can I level with you here? Ok, a lot of people out in this world of ours don't really like me. Some of them with good reason to. Hell one or two might even lie to everyone they know about my penis. It would not shock me.
Max: "Sir, if you do not want to order now, then..."
(I cut his ass off. No way your getting out of it THIS easy.)
Me: "Who was it Max? Who told Greg Colburn my penis is too small?"
(My tone turns a bit harsh, as I try not to giggle like a school girl seeing her first pee pee .)
Max: "Sir, please it is an automatic email. We send them out to random people on the Internet to advertise. That is all."
Me: "Max, I think you are right. I think a more calm approach to this would serve us both best. Now the question is who would NOT tell a bunch of strangers my penis is small?"
Max: "Sometimes it isn't even about being too small. Sometimes people just want to be bigger than normal. We get callers all around America who...."
(I cut him off again, he hates this."
Me: "Well I can tell you it wasn't your wife who told the company. I made her ass bleed pretty good. She won't complain."
Max: "Ok, I am going to end this call."
(Max stated in a very calm, but pissed voice.)
Me: "Why? What is wrong max?"
Max: "I under stand that you are offended by the nature of the email that was sent to you, however I was not the one who sent it. Your name was on a list of...."
Me: "So I was picked at random?"
Max: "Yes, from one of our lists."
Me: "Well, not I am picking YOU at random to be pissed at Max. Just passing the hate on."
(Max pauses.)
Max: "You are being very inappropriate and unprofessional today sir."
Me: "Kinda like emailing me about my cock. Fuck you Max. I will be emailing you all a picture of my dick, to remove all doubt. Go.."
(Max hangs up.)
User Reviews
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-11-25 20:42:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Science and Environmental?
Bah, who cares? Spectacular read!
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-07-07 03:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was like..."How does this post have 28K hits already, when it's only been posted...tomorrow? WTF?"
Gotta lay off the weed, man.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-07 03:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-22 11:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus mother fucking two!!
Submitted by sTowned (user info) at 2005-01-04 06:19:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think u DO need those pills....
....could u send me some? (overseas?!) ^^
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-22 19:30:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-11-22 19:19:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sekeeth (user info) at 2004-10-09 02:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-10-09 02:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-10-07 14:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-07 14:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by liquid_lightning (user info) at 2004-10-07 14:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shala <admin.at.cspirates.com>
"just seemed made up, I doubt anyone honestly things someone's spreading rumors of their dick on the net, much less search for it on google"
its called sarcasm fucktard, look it up.
to Eddie, great job man, and i'm sure your penis is just perfect the way it is. (in a non homo way)
Submitted by queenoftheramen (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by William <nowhere.at.whitehouse.gov> at 2004-09-07 21:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn spam marketers...
Submitted by Shala <admin.at.cspirates.com> at 2004-09-03 00:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
just seemed made up, I doubt anyone honestly things someone's spreading rumors of their dick on the net, much less search for it on google.
Submitted by bubba69 (user info) at 2004-08-20 12:31:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
boring.
Submitted by Natalie at 2004-08-17 16:12:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
loved it
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-14 20:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I read this a while ago!
Get up with me on AIM, dude.
Submitted by Mark <xsintrix.at.msn.com> at 2004-07-28 00:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have tried to e mail them a picture of my 8 & 1/4 inch penis to shut them up but it just comes back as mailer dameon returned with yahoo or post master returned with hotmail never thought of calling the number you know it sounds like a good idea ! lmao
Submitted by yakko813 (user info) at 2004-07-26 10:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit
Submitted by Neil <rentamook.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-21 09:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on!
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-07-20 01:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's 'MOE' like it.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-07-19 15:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent.
Submitted by tenelka3001 (user info) at 2004-07-17 09:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-07-16 16:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it.
Submitted by Reggie <bhamm24.at.aol.com> at 2004-07-16 16:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the ultimate end to penis spam!
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-16 12:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We need a revolution.
Submitted by anSiarach (user info) at 2004-07-16 12:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-07-16 09:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This nearly made me cry
Submitted by hyprspacd at 2004-07-15 13:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha
Submitted by dreadnaught_X (user info) at 2004-07-14 23:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very few of the articles i read on ubersite actually make me laugh, but yours did the trick. +2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-07-14 13:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your best post. EVAR.
Submitted by Sacrew (user info) at 2004-07-14 03:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr. Show gave me a reason to live.
And now it's gone, but thank God for DVDs!
by the way, excellent post.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-07-14 00:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-07-14 00:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahaha funny stuff
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-14 00:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fromaster <LICK_MY_BALLS.at.CCCP.com> at 2004-07-14 00:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff! Man, if I was Max, I would have played along. His job answering phones must be really boring, so you'd think he'd appreciate the chance to be a smart ass and have some fun.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-07-13 20:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Steve <No.at.Idontthink.so> at 2004-07-13 17:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell Yea!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-07-13 15:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W for a reason
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-07-13 12:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tony Montana never likes anything.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2004-07-13 11:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this was seriously fucking awful. retarded choice for BAW.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-07-13 11:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job.
Eeeh...um...*COUGH*...where can I get some of those pills?
Submitted by TheToddfather (user info) at 2004-07-13 11:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wish I thought of it.
Submitted by LadyDi at 2004-07-13 10:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful! Just beautiful!
Submitted by Icon X nocI <iconxnoci.at.nowhere.com> at 2004-07-13 09:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good read.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-07-13 08:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best Ever?
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-07-13 08:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this.
You have seeded the idea for a spam revolution. We should tie up their free phone lines (because they are paying for the call) asking them how they heard that we had money troubles/needed viagra.
They might think twice then about emailing random people shit that they dont want to read.
Submitted by Caldur (user info) at 2004-07-13 07:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good lord that's funny!
Submitted by necrofeelya (user info) at 2004-07-09 08:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Honestly, I fucking hate spam too. I have now set up an extra email account which I use to sign up for crap. This was I am getting less and less spam.
Submitted by Aphrodite (user info) at 2004-07-09 06:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate spam.
Submitted by necrofeelya (user info) at 2004-07-09 06:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well I am glad to see my work has not gone unnoticed here on ubersite.
Submitted by PurpleTurkey (user info) at 2004-07-09 05:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Punk-not-dead (user info) at 2004-07-09 05:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked that alot
Thats a good idea, i get those random enlarge your penis emails alot.
Submitted by necrofeelya (user info) at 2004-07-09 04:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
now now. The whole point of a necrofeelya post, is to leave the reader wondering.
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-07-08 18:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True or not, it was a good read nonetheless.
LGF
Submitted by johnnyno (user info) at 2004-07-08 14:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-07-08 12:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jcricket112.at.hotmail.com
well if you're going to be emailing the pic of your dick, i mean... i might as well use it for comparison purposes...
i mean...
is this the line for pics of method's ex?
...
...
ima go now.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-07-08 12:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dick cock poo shit fart.
Submitted by Alfa_Veloce (user info) at 2004-07-08 12:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vengence...good.
Submitted by Robot9598 (user info) at 2004-07-08 12:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
01001000 01100001 00101110 00100000 01100110 01110101 01101110 01101110 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101000 01110101 01101101 01100001 01101110 01110011 00101110
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, this is sloppy as hell. I am tempted to deduct a point just for sloppiness, but I shall not fuck with the streak. That's just bad karma.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr Show never should've been cancelled.
This was awesome
Submitted by genocidic001 (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Real or not. . . . +2! Lol!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stick to the man!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-08 10:30:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
That's great! Spammers deserve to be shot and pissed on in the street
----------------------------
I think the golden shower should come first, but all in all, I agree. Damn you cystmaster. Damn you.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:29:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kick ass
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-08 11:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn funny.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-07-08 10:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder how men feel working at a Penis enlargement Plant. Poor Max's wife's ass.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-08 10:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's great! Spammers deserve to be shot and pissed on in the street.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-07-08 10:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Submitted by WRECKER (user info) at 2004-07-08 10:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Instant classic.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-07-08 10:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-07-08 10:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this. Can we have the word "Fucker" on B@W? I think the world needs to try this. I think I will try this. Even though, by nature, I am cockless. Ahhh something to look forward to later on.
Submitted by plushpeach (user info) at 2004-07-08 09:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First giggle of the day. You kick ass.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-07-08 09:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Excellent.
Submitted by MrPrickle (user info) at 2004-07-08 09:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-07-08 09:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 even if the call didn't actually happen. Pure Genius.
Submitted by dategrape (user info) at 2004-07-08 08:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by reddysetgo <hiya> at 2004-07-08 08:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
even is the call didnt happened
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-08 08:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I giggled like a schoolgirl when I finished reading this.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-07-08 08:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor Max
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-07-08 08:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Necro...the pic tells me you're a Mr. Show fan....is that true?
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-08 08:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 if the call actually happened
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-08 08:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hi-fi-killer (user info) at 2004-07-08 08:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that got me thinking