Happy Birthday, Woman (1404 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.95 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mac (View user info) at 2004-07-08 14:35:44 EDT
There comes a special time in every relationship where it becomes mandatory to do something nice for your woman. Of course I'm talking about her birthday. You see, on her birthday, you have to go out of your way to do something sweet for her, if not, you run the risk of missing out on birthday cake, and that just can't happen...birthday cake is far too delicious to miss out on. It's been proven that birthday cake is extra super awesome because it has some sort of voodoo magic ingredient that sets it high above regular cake, which obviously blows. Thank god for voodoo.
As I was saying, if you plan on keeping your woman around, you're going to have to suck it up every now and then and show her how much you really care, trust me, the voodoo cake makes it worth doing. But what do you get her to ensure she won't slap you and cut you off form the cake supply? Well, take it from me, women just don't appreciate the value of pearl necklaces anymore.
I know what you're thinking- "but, Mac, if I can't give her a pearl necklace, then what on earth do I get her?" Well, you could always buy her some crap from Target (women love Target), but that would require money. I suppose you could just write a check for something, which would be like getting it for free. But come on, you know deep down that the bounced check fee will catch up with you sooner or later, and I just don't think that the promise of cake is worth the fuss, even if it is super awesome voodoo cake.
If money's not a problem and you're one of the country club chauncies that buys his woman fur coats and diamonds every year, then good for you. I'm sure that you and the other Ya Ya sisters will have a great time gossiping about how excited she was to get another pair of ear rings at your next metrosexual make over party. But for real guys, the options are limited, which means you'll have to get her something from "the heart"... you know that place that doesn't cost anything? Yeah, that place.
When dealing with gifts from the heart, you're basically left with two options- Poetry and Art. Though women love some poetry, I highly advise against it. If you write her something about how beautiful she is and you compare her to flowers or fresh snow, she'll see right through you because only women write poetry. And at that point- no cake for you!
So you're left with art. Since a traditional piece of art work would be too complicated to create, what with choosing the subject matter, composition and medium, my suggestion is the good old stand by of a homemade birthday card. You remember how happy those cards used to make your mom? Well, they'll have the same effect on your woman, I promise.
To make her a homemade card, all you need to do is go to your mom's house and rummage through the attic until you find one of the old birthday cards you made her in elementary school. To personalize the card to fit the new occasion, simply cross out "mom" and write "woman" on it, so she'll know it was made specifically for her. You'll also want to be sure to change the age written on the bottom of the page. That way, it'll prove that you just made it. If by chance, your woman wonders why you're so small in the picture, just tell her you wanted to draw her bigger since she's such a big part of your life. The touching sentiment will more than likely cause her to either cry tears of joy or just go crazy and jump your bones. Either way, you're golden.
After you've doctored up the card all you have to do is go have a few beers with your boys and show up at her house an hour late for dinner to ensure you'll be just in time for birthday cake. When you show up with the card, she'll be so happy to get it, that she won't nag you about being late, in fact, she'll thank you for making her wait. She'll appreciate the fact that you built up the anticipation of such a wonderful gift. Then she'll jump your bones...if she hadn't already.
Let me know how your cards turn out and how much better I've made your relationships...and then send me some cake.
User Reviews
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-07-28 20:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Complimentary +2 service of http://www.ubersite.com/m/39658
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-07-09 13:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for echo and peral necklaces.
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-07-08 19:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's my birthday today
I'm 19
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-07-08 18:44:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sure did have good handwriting too. You may be a genius.
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-07-08 17:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mac you've got some mad drawing skills.
LGF
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-07-08 16:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
woo hoo! Someone noticed the ecko shirt!
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-07-08 16:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still can't draw that well.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-07-08 16:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that an ecko shirt that tricked out little kid is wearing?
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A friend of mine calls his mom "woman". What should he do for his mom's birthday then? Woman x2?
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Jesus save me was that ever funny. Praise Jesus!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:03:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww, look.... you gave that pretty giant some Twinkies!
___________________________
HA HA HA HA
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you were quite the artist
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:04:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
No, RB, I'm not "back" as in "I'm going to post everyday". I just figured a couple of you guys who don't read the Biscuit would get a kick out of this, so I posted it here. (Apologies to D-love).
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Way to build me up and then knock me down.
So cold man,...so cold....
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tnemmoc oN
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Awww, look.... you gave that pretty giant some Twinkies!"
They're gravy biscuits. I forgot to mention that in the post. My bad.
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, RB, I'm not "back" as in "I'm going to post everyday". I just figured a couple of you guys who don't read the Biscuit would get a kick out of this, so I posted it here. (Apologies to D-love).
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww, look.... you gave that pretty giant some Twinkies!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-08 14:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MACs BACK!!
W00T!!!!!!!!!!fourhundredandninteythree!!!!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-08 14:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No pearl necklace? How about some Arabian goggles?
Submitted by Fuxtick (user info) at 2004-07-08 14:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It would be interesting to find out what you give "woman" for christmas.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-07-08 14:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-08 14:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beyond reproach.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-08 14:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh.
Chauncey.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-08 14:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pearl Necklace......
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-08 14:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heehee, pearl necklace...