The Indian Hot Chocolate Mafia and Why I Shouldn’t be Allowed to Interact with Men (1294 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.76 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Emily (View user info) at 2004-07-08 23:53:18 EDT
In May, I moved out to the East Coast from Midwestern suburbia life to start work in the IT department of a major insurance company. Being a giant computer geek and being a fairly attractive female have never really gone hand in hand before, but I thought I'd give the new office a chance.
I was, after all, a single 20-something female that was prepared to spend most of my waking hours being a giant tool for corporate America. I might as well get wined/dined by all those mythical hot rich young executives in the process, right?
Sadly, this was not the case.
On my first day, I walked in to meet my boss... He dropped his bright red stress ball for a grand total of ten seconds to shake my hand. He then swiftly snatched his ball from his desk and began methodically squeezing it in that creepy American Psycho way while he went to work explaining the company's server architecture entirely in acronyms in the span of five minutes. After his thorough "training session," I was left on my own to get acclimated.
Naturally, I made a trip to the water cooler to try my hand at socializing. On the way there, I looked around in horror as I saw rows of cubicles with not a single soul looking remotely under 30, female, or like a native English speaker. My dreams of hot rich young exec guy immediately sank as I approached the break room.
As I entered the break room, a crowd of very un-sexy middle-aged Indian guys pushed me aside as they clamored for the last sacred packets of hot chocolate. My eyes darted from the empty water cooler to the confusing coffee maker, and then my brain and body got together and decided it would be a good idea to fight to the death for some chocolate powder, hot water, and a stirring stick.
Somewhere between grabbing for that last packet of Swiss Miss and making it through the door, I wound up face-first on the floor with the crotch of my pressed linen suit soaked in delicious freshly made hot chocolate. I turned over and saw a crowd of Indian guys pointing down at me, laughing, and saying stuff in assorted Indian languages.
Lucky for me, one of the short, skinny Indian guys felt sympathy for me and helped me up... But not before he had his chance to take the 100% cracker beauty I am into his arms and say "I so sorry. I clean you up." to me. He kind of looked me over, pocketed the hot chocolate mix I had risked life and limb for, handed me some napkins with his clammy hands, said something in his native language, and the entire room erupted in laughter.
I stood there confused and ready to leave when he grabbed me by the shoulder, so I turned around to face him. Seeing how I had just humiliated myself in front of most of the database team within the first 30 minutes at my new job, I was not prepared for the conversation that was about to occur.
Indian Guy: "It's 100% OK. Fine. Shit happened. Do you like to disco? I disco many night."
Me: "Disco is a verb?"
Indian Guy: "You like to disco. I can always tell. The girl with the nice shoe. She always disco."
Me: "Right."
Indian Guy: "So what you say? Me and friend. Friday Saturday night. Disco."
My Brain: I guess I don't really know anyone here at all yet. It can't possibly be that humiliating.
Me: "I guess. Which night do you want to go?"
Indian Guy: "Friday Saturday night! Good! No worries!! I show you real good time."
Me: "Wait, what's your name? Which night? Where?"
At this point, the Indian guy winked at me, slapped a high five with this middle-aged Indian guy with a very Tom Selleck moustache, and exited. His two chubby friends shot me these knowing looks like I'd just engaged in some Break Room Bukakke.
I stared after them blankly and assessed the situation. The only thing I could come up with was: "My crotch is wet with beverage mix."
"Friday Saturday night" rolled around... No word from that dashing Indian guy.
Monday morning, I went to work and found a Post-It note stuck to my monitor that read:
"I miss you to disco. We dance on cloud of Friday Saturday night. Next."
Oh, I can't wait for that magical night... to disco.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jaytexmich (user info) at 2004-12-14 01:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me disco you long time. But, remember, Apu was a big catch.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-20 01:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-07-10 00:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it! I was actually in Richmond just a few Friday Saturday night's ago and I didn't disco at all. I just watched an IRL race and then went to Barcode. Wow, I bet there aren't many people who can claim that as a single day's experience.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-09 14:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just imagine the excitement if you had apple cider mix.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-07-09 12:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. Especially "break-room bukkake".
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-09 12:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's something about the phrase 'beverage mix' that makes me want to seduce you.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cowstastegood (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by emily (user info) at 2004-07-09 10:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry about that weird double review posting anomaly. Don't hit the back button on your browser, kids. -2 for me.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-07-09 10:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gotta love those crazy little indian guys
Submitted by emily (user info) at 2004-07-09 10:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shark25: If you're curious... Most recently, I lived in Bloomington, Indiana. I've also lived in Marion and Muncie in Indiana. (Basically, random shitty Indiana towns.) When I was younger, I lived in Naperville, Illinois. Most of my extended family lives in various Chicago suburbs/The Region. I still consider myself a Hoosier, even though Middle America can be annoying. Hope that answers your question.
Submitted by emily (user info) at 2004-07-09 10:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shark25: If you're curious... Most recently, I lived in Bloomington, Indiana. I've also lived in Marion and Muncie in Indiana. (Basically, random shitty Indiana towns.) When I was younger, I lived in Naperville, Illinois. Most of my extended family lives in various Chicago suburbs/The Region. I still consider myself a Hoosier, even though Middle America can be annoying. Hope that answers your question.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-07-09 08:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Story.
Emily where in the midwest did you live.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-07-09 08:53:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All I can think of is Steve Martin and Dan Ackroyd doing the "Two Wiiiillllld And Ca-razy Guys" routine on the old SNL.
Great post, Emily.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-09 08:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus two for middle-age indian guys
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-09 08:07:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good first post!
Damn. I wish my first post was this good.
I hate myself. I need to disco friday saturday night.
Definitly +2 for "Disco is a verb?"
Submitted by dinnerkraft (user info) at 2004-07-09 07:53:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
His two chubby friends shot me these knowing looks like I'd just engaged in some Break Room Bukakke.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
I got some funny looks from coworkers while I laughed out loud at this line.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-09 07:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, girl with the nice shoe, good post.
Submitted by emily (user info) at 2004-07-09 07:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hairsphincter: Richmond, Virginia USA
I use the term East Coast very loosely... Richmond is a 1.5 hour drive to the shore, but the natives have annoyingly Southern accents, and you can order sweet tea almost anywhere.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-09 07:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And a damn solid effort for a first post.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-09 07:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Friday Satuday night. Disco.
Damn funny.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-09 06:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by dategrape (user info) at 2004-07-09 04:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-09 02:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice name let's fuck.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-07-09 01:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOLOLOLOLOLOOL/
lo./l
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-07-09 01:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hilarious.
In which city and country did this take place?
Submitted by ZeroSignal (user info) at 2004-07-09 01:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When indian guys spill hot chocolate on me, then have a pointing and laughing session i kick them in the teeth. You shouldve done the same.
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-07-09 01:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good dialogue.
Not sure whose hot chocolate spilled how or why, or was it the powder, no the guy pocketed that...anyway... "My crotch is wet with beverage mix." sounds like chaos.
I'll watch for the sequel.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-07-09 00:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Friday Saturday night. Disco.
I'm going to start using that line.
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-07-09 00:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2 for you.
Love,
Peepoepoewitz
Submitted by Titan (user info) at 2004-07-09 00:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Disco Stu doesn't advertise
ohhhh yeah.
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-09 00:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh, quite wastin yer time with those indian IT losers, go out with an Italian IT loser!
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-08 23:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeeech you can keep your job.
Have fun at disco yes!