Let's Talk About Sex Bay-Bee, Let's Talk About You-N'-Me, Let's Talk About All The Good Things And The Bad Things That May-Be, Let's Talk Abouwt Sex... (1347 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.19 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TaK (View user info) at 2004-07-09 11:20:37 EDT
Yes, I purposely spelled the last "About" in the title with a "w" and added occasional letters and hyphens because that's how it sounds in the song. It's called phonetics I think but I'm not sure. Maybe it's called "shut the fuck up".
No really shut the fuck up. I want to tell you something and then ask you a question so let's just ignore the title. I don't know why I chose it. The song got in my head okay?
Jesus Christ can I start now?
Thank you.
~
So I've got this idea for my lady-friend I'm hoping to give flesh to, and for some odd reason I developed a hankering to share it with you whack-jobs.
Originally this was going to be a sort of birthday gift for her, but plans have changed since she wants nothing more than to grill ribs, drink beer, and watch movies at home on her Birthday.
Grill, drink, and lay around. Can't argue against that. In fact I could do nothing but get behind that.
Brothers, hearing me, can I get a Hallelujah?
Either way her birthday is covered, so this little plan I've got has become a "just because". That's cool, I can deal with that, I like "just because's". It'll give it a little more meaning if it's for nothing but the sake of it.
Just for the sssmell of it...okay I'm back on the Salt N Pepa song now. Sorry.
Here's the Plan:
You ever seen the movie "The Witches of Eastwick"? 'Course you have. In said movie there is a scene where Jack Nicholson as Satan is busy seducing the three ladies by doing a lot of romantic shit for them like feeding them grapes and catching mice in his bare teeth for them and washing their underwear in the sink.
Smooth shit like that.
At one point he has little kids come over and he releases a wall of pink balloons that cascade down like pink tides and fill the room in their pinkety pinkness. This drives the women ape shit with desire and awe.
At once, a plan was formulated.
I will acquire PVC pipe and enough canvas to build a sturdy but easily thrown away tent roughly forty feet by forty feet in my own back yard. This tent will have a small inner wall at the back maybe three-four feet wide that will be curtained by more canvas, so that when a string is pulled the canvas will roll back and release my artillery of balloons.
The tent will be decorated with greenery and perhaps white drapes along the sides, and will have no bottom. The grass will be our floor. There will be wheeled serving trays with rustic metal buckets full of ice to chill the one bottle of champagne for me and the two bottles of champagne emptied out and filled back up with Pepsi for her.
She hates champagne but loves Pepsi. Oh, and I must have a bit of Budweiser for her too in case she wants something alcoholic.
The lighting will be handled by candles and a small lamp in the back near the hollow balloon-wall where I will be standing when she enters. There will be one seat for her in the middle of the room.
I will before hand use my Korg Triton keyboard and shitty ass Samick guitar in tandem with the shitty software programs I have to recreate the following songs, in this order, sans vocals.
1. Wasted Time (reprise, instrumental) - The Eagles
2. Wasted Time - The Eagles
3. I Can't Tell You Why - The Eagles
4. Musicology - Prince
5. Call My Name - Prince
6. More Than Words - Extreme
7. November Rain - Guns N' Roses
8. Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
9. In The Air Tonight - Phil Collins
10. If I Ain't Got You - Alicia Keys
The plan is for her cousin to pick her up, blindfold her, and drive around awhile in random patterns to confuse her. Then, bring her to my house, walk her to the backyard where she will begin to hear the Wasted Time reprise, hopefully unaware of exactly where she is.
When she comes in the tent, off comes the blindfold and there I am in suit and tie, in soft lighting, and Wasted Time reprise gives way to the actual song Wasted Time, which I sing to her before continuing down the list.
I'll play the solos on my guitar and even whip the sax out for Musicology and Call My Name, but the important song is In the Air Tonight.
You know the song. Well, when it gets to the part where the drums come in full blast, I will step back to the hollowed out balloon-wall and pull the curtain, releasing the pink balloons (maybe 400-500, either way a whole hell of a lot of balloons), covering the tent to knee height in their pinkety pinkness and increasing the passion of the song, which is one of her favorites.
The Alicia Keys will end the show on a soft, heartfelt note. Mushy eh?
~
So that's what I wanted to tell you, now here's my question.
Are any of you mushy-pussy-romantic like me, and if so, what have you done for your man/woman lately or ever that was special and resulted in good times and/or hot sex?
Do you show the people you love how you feel?
"Shower the people you love with love,
Show them the way that you feel..."
TaK
User Reviews
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-13 20:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It sounds like a wonderful plan. I can't help but to feel jealous. I want a thoughtful boyfriend!
On Valentine's Day i am going to throw rocks at happy couples! Yessss..... That will be my plan. MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-13 20:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most romantic thing I've ever done? Spent all day in bed with him. It was wonderful. :P
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-10-13 19:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-10-13 19:52:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny, and i was half-expecting a "shop at Lucifer industries" right after the title.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-10-13 19:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So did the balloon trick ever happen?
It's nice to see people are still being thoughtful and romantic. Although if she doesn't like champagne it is either 1) A good thing, you've always got a cheap date or 2) time to find someone with taste. I'll drink her half for her :o)
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-22 13:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for an obviously dedicated man.
Do this much for her now, and you will get laid that night... but you will spend each following birthday trying to top it or falling hopelessly behind the standards you have set for yourself.
What you have planned is far more suitable for a marriage proposal.
If your girl isn't happy with a thoughtful gift and dinner by candlelight at her favorite restaurant (or better yet, home-cooked and laid out romantically) on her birthday, you need to find someone else. It will be a lot easier than the whole balloon thing- and you won't have to deal with nearly as many headaches down the line from a girl you've spoiled.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-08-22 13:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are unbelievable. Balloons? Geez.
The cutest thing that a guy did for me was a goodbye present when I was leaving for New York to start my Spring semester of Sophmore year. I love to cook, but when I live in NYC I am extremely poor, so I never bake cookies and shit, which I love doing. He must have remembered me saying something about that one time (actually, I think he remembered because I talked to him about the tradition I have with my sister....baking cookies in our underwear. Guys tend to remember that.) Anyway, he got together all of the ingredients you need to bake cookies and put them in little baggies, and then he wrote out the recipe---except he phrased it in this pseudo-Shakespearean theatrical wording.
My latest boyfriend tried to do "sweet" shit for me all of the time, but it was totally generic and not based on who *I* am at all. I don't want rose petals all over my room. You know? It actually made me uncomfortable rather than happy because I felt like he just had this idea in his head of what our relationship should be and it wasn't based on anything except sappy movies and weird Christian delusions.
Submitted by beeg412 (user info) at 2004-07-09 18:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I try shit like that, but somethign always goes wrong, like a dine and dash, or I lock my keys in mine, or sadly someone elses car and they leave with my keys. Good Luck on that one though
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-07-09 17:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just tell her you want to make the day extra special by putting it in her bunghole.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-07-09 15:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Michael, I have never met anyone like you. You are crazy. But in a good way. Tell her I said Happy Birthday.
PS... This should do the trick. It would for me. Hook, line, and sinker.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-07-09 13:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and by the way Kaelic, I actually believe what you say,
I just want to pretend it ain't so until it is so.
Ya know?
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-07-09 13:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kaelic, you're always good for a little heart warming.
Thanks for the uplift daddy-O.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-07-09 13:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She'll eventually get bored with you and throw you away. And all I see in that picture are angry black scribbles. Black like my heart.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-07-09 13:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha! lojope, that sucks but I'm sorry I had to laugh.
Cat shit and Minority Report. Good times.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-09 13:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You want to know what the most UN romantic thing that ever happened to me is? When Eric proposed.
We were sitting on his livingroom couch, watch Minority Report, and he just asked me to marry him out of nowhere. I though he was joking and I got mad and punched him and said "Shut the fuck up, that's mean!" The he pulled out a ring and got on his knee and all that and I felt so stupid.
Then we went upstairs and had sex for the first time, made a mess on his sheets and had to wash them. His mom got home and asked why his sheets were in the washing machine and we told her the cat shit on them.
So yeah, my wedding proposal involved talking about cat shit and me saying the word fuck. Ah, romance...
Guess I should have seen the signs even then that it wasn't going to work out, eh?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-09 12:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Itchy - Have you seen When Harry Met Sally? Just wondering because there was a great bit in the movie about why you don't take a new girlfriend to the airport that is pretty much what you're talking about.
I got whisked away to NY for my birthday a couple of years ago. That was pretty cool, but it was not entirely unselfish - UNC was playing in Madison Square Garden.
The honeymoon is over I fear.
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-07-09 12:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm really sorry but you've put that damned song in my head...and it won't stop...its killing me.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-07-09 12:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the idea of sweet, sappy love. It makes my day at work seem not quite so fucking horrible when I get home and my sugar pop has dinner and a bottle of wine waiting on me.
I would like to hear some more romantic stories, I need some new ideas.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-07-09 12:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ya done good, ya done good. I've done that kinda stuff for my girl, though not much really since around valentine's (we dont' really believe in the Hallmark holiday shit, we just started dating around that time). I'm taking off a point cuz I'm jealous.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-07-09 12:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here appollo, allow me to hold your hair...
hehehe...
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-07-09 12:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<pukes>
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-07-09 12:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I picked a dozen wild daisies and brought them to my g/f last night. No reason, really. I was bored at work. It landed me some backdoor action, though, so hold your heads high, romantics!
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-07-09 12:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That sounds nice lojope. I missed my prom too...
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-09 12:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that is a lovely idea. I would cry my eyes out, in a good way. :o)
When I was in highschool, right after the Columbine incident, when emotions were high and teachers were freaking out, my boyfriend got suspended for a stupid off-hand comment that was deemed "dangerous". Unfortunately it occured right before his junior prom, and it was decided that his suspension would hold through the prom and he couldn't go. Needless to say, both he and I were pissed because we had been planning for the prom for a long time.
He told me I shouldn't have to miss out and I should take someone else. He gave me our tickets. A girlfriend and I devised a plan. We sold all four tickets, (the two I had and the two for her and her date) used the money to buy some gormet food and wine (yay for brothers over 21).
The night of the prom we strung up white Christmas lights in the gazebo at the park, got soft music playing and got the picnic all set up. Then we got ourselves all dolled up in our dresses and make-up. I picked up the tux my boyfriend had already ordered and showed up at his house. He was watching TV, he thought I had gone with a friend.
I got him all dressed up and we met our friends at the gazebo and ate and drank and danced just the four of us out under the stars. It was very romantic and he was totally surprised and wonderfully happy that he didn't have to miss his prom after all.
It was the most romantic night of our 16 year-old-lives.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ATTN GHEY MENZ!
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hellz yea runninginplace, that's the mushy kind of shit I'm talkin' about!
I guess we're the only two hopeless ones here.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TaK,
Screw em. If she ever tells you down the road that you aren't as sweet and romantic as you were, you can tell her that is becasue she isn't as sexy as she once was.
I did give my gf six roses (6 month dating) strategically located around the house with notes saying what they symbolized. The first was the best b/c she got out to her car to find a rose on the seat. She came back in for a while after that.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You might not believe this jme, but I'm in Fayetteville, NC.
Though I don't consider myself a redneck.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think it's very sweet much better than the rednecks idea of foreplay here
which is "get in the truck bitch"
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's sad that it's so hard to get people to believe that there are people like me.
The thing is that I'll never run out of ideas like this, some better some worse,
but constantly there. She'll only lose these things if she leaves.
I was built to do this kind of stuff. It's corny but I'll never run out of
love to give or ways to give it.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As Apollo noted, it started out really funny, then got a little scary. I'm guessing you are in the beginning stages of your relationship . . . so maybe now is a good time to have a little talk with you entitled, "don't set the bar too high, or she will expect that shit time and time again."
No good can come of this (with the possible execption of short-term monkey-sex). But as time passes, she will begin to think that you don't feel the same way about her because you aren't filling tents with pink balloons anymore. You on the other hand, will lose your hair trying to come up with some way to TOP the balloon tent idea. No man, no good can come of this.
I understand the motivation . . . (oh yeah, "Halleluja!"). . . she sounds like a wonderful girl, that is why I'm telling you to stiff her now. It will be better in the long run.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No dude, this is not about sex. The sex I'm already getting.
I love this girl and want to do things for her no one ever has or will.
Projection: Women will think of this "Awwww...", Men will think of this: "ATTN GHEY MENZ!!"
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:29:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Started funny as fuck,
I thought the punchline was going to be
"just kidding. I am gonna put rohypnol in her drink and fuck the shit out of her"
-----------------------------------------
I was waiting for the roofies comment as well.
Submitted by jboogz (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Becuase that made me realize what a crappy boyfriend I this will negate my earlier +2
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
All this for poon-tang?
Christ.
I bought one chick tickets to back street boys (it was 6 years ago, and she was 17) and BANG instant pussy.
Dude: If you are doing all this for pussy you seriously need to just buy a whore.
Submitted by jboogz (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Havent read yet. But making me shake my head back and forth while Salt-N-Peppa comes flooding into my demented dome-piece definately deserves a +2. Lets just hope the post does too.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Started funny as fuck,
I thought the punchline was going to be
"just kidding. I am gonna put rohypnol in her drink and fuck the shit out of her"
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kristen Fetish, I bet you eat Philly Cheese Steak right?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
A bit metrosexual.