Adventures in Dodgeball or My Trip to the ER (1096 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.36 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Lynne> (View user info) at 2004-07-10 21:07:31 EDT
Since the release of the movie, Dodgeball, to theaters, many gym class sports and Ben Stiller enthusiasts alike have been flocking to their local theaters, showing their support for this violent sport. Although this film has proven to many to be an enjoyably lighthearted comedy, it has surfaced many dark memories for those who are casualties of the sport, such as myself. I mean, who would ever think that anyone could get injured in a game where the object is to hurl balls and hit opponnents with them? It seemed to be an ideal elementary school sport.
It was fourth grade gym class. The last class of the day. We had just lined up across the half court line, waiting with baited breath for our team assignments. Nervousness hung as thick in the air as the smell of prepubescent body odor. Would we be pitted against our own friends in this war of red rubber balls? Would we be picked last? Would we be picked first? Would we be on the team with the fat kids, who always were eliminated first? All of these burning questions would soon be answered.
I, along with the other girls, was one of the last picked, since girls are notoriously bad at dodgeball and other gym class sports (EVERYBODY knows this, it's a proven fact). Luckily, I was chosen by the good team, the team with more boys. We would surely emerge from the game victorious. Or would we?
The start whistle screeched a roaring lioness in heat. The game had begun. In a flash, the thick crowd of fourth graders sprinted to the balls on the center line like a group of prostitutes who had caught a slight whiff of crack. Balls flew, girls screamed and the match was underway. The weak ones began dropping one by one, leaving only the strongest in the competition.
I ran from side to side, dramatically dodging balls aimed at me. After a near fatal ball whizzed past my ear, I spotted in the corner a ball which had rolled away unnoticed. I knew what needed to be done. At full speed, I sprinted to the lone ball. Just as I had come upon it and had begun to celebrate my own pure genius, *WHAM*. It appeared that another, larger, stronger individual had also noticed this round, red piece of ammunition. The large specimen's hit launched me through the air and into a nearby cinder block wall.
When I came back to consciousness, I was at least six yards away from where I had been hit. A pain seared in my left elbow. I let out a wail of anguish like a young penguin being ripped apart by a giant polar bear. The game froze. Balls literally stopped in midair. The class rushed in my direction to catch a glimpse of my poor, pathetic state. I was rushed, screaming in pain, to the health room in the office. There, I was taken to the local hospital.
After being taken to the emergency room, it was discovered that, due to the crash into the gym floor, I had sustained a minor fracture to my ulna. I was condemned to wear a cast on my arm for 6-8 weeks. The point to this story is a warning: Dodgeball may seem like all fun and games to most, but remember, IT'S ONLY FUN UNTIL SOMEONE IS BRUTALLY CHECKED ACROSS THE GYM FLOOR LIKE A RAG DOLL, CAUSING HER TO BREAK HER ULNA AND HAVE TO WEAR A SMELLY CAST FOR 6-8 WEEKS. Take my warning, friends, it will save you from a painful fate.
User Reviews
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-07-13 23:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're kidding, right?
I'll remember that next time. You learn something new every day. (I think that I MIGHT have heard that before... but I'm not an ecology major or anything)
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-07-13 23:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I know that I'm being a nitpicking little idiot here, but... Polar bears and penguins do not live in the same HEMISPHERE, let alone close enough for a polar bear to eat a penguin. Otherwise, I feel your pain.
I am fully aware that you may know this biological fun-fact, and I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but at least give some indicator to your clever use of sarcasm in the post.
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-07-13 22:49:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Check your inbox, JMG.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-13 22:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jmg11480.at.yahoo.com
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-07-13 21:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
JMG- Is it the same address that is on some of your old posts?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-12 21:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch. I still love dodgeball, though. That and Family Guy.
Lynne - E-mail me, why don't 'cha?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-07-12 21:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's funny when a girl is the last one left on the opposing team. She's helpless and darts around like a frightened deer. Seriously, save yourself the embarrassment and just stand still. Haha that's almost as funny as when the girls bat in baseball and everyone comes into the infield.
I should've been a gym teacher. The final marks would be determined by a dodgeball knockout tournament. And pushups. Can't have too many pushups.
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-07-12 21:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It brings back bad memories for me too... I hope that talking about it will help make them better.
Submitted by Orin_Lockheart (user info) at 2004-07-11 20:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry to say that this story hits too close to home ands has brou8ght back far too many elemetary school memories.....
Now i must go pay my theropist another 3 grand to supress them .........again......Thanks
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-07-11 09:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin Chuck Norris.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-07-11 03:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh God, this brings back some painful memories...
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-07-11 01:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BAN FETISH
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2004-07-11 00:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn that movie kicked ass
Submitted by Drmunkyhead <Rabidwhale.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-11 00:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I could almost +2 this... but you reminded me of that movie.. holly shit that was so fucking bad i cant even find words to describe it. Im never trusting my friends to pick the movie ever again.
Did anyone here actually see that movie and like it? I thought it was boring on the level of making my head bleed... fortunately i had my MP3 player with me, which im listening to 24/7 regardless, so basically i payed $8 to sit in a dark room and listen to music which i coulv'de done for free. Fun.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-07-11 00:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
D to the O to the GEBALL.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-10 23:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"like prostitutes who caught a whiff of crack"
I love it.
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-07-10 23:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Eluding game"? I guess I just don't get it...
Submitted by polly (user info) at 2004-07-10 22:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you know. one time in my gym class a guy ate a chunk off of his friend's forehead.....
it wasn't dodge ball... it was the ever eluding game of "everyone's it"
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-07-10 21:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, shitfuck, you really know how to impress a lady. ;)
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-10 21:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, oh and Lynne--shave the snapper please.
K--thankxxx
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-07-10 21:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How about I'll be over there in five minutes?
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-07-10 21:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-10 21:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Lynne, enough with the small talk, can you send me some pics of you bending over playfully--wearing a black thong?
I suffer from frequent erections and would like to share them with you.
Great kthankx.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-10 21:17:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-07-10 21:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This one was for you, shitfuck.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-10 21:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, ,but I would like it alot more if you were naked and reading this to me in my bed.
And then we could fuck.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-07-10 21:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww. Those casts do smell like ass.