The Fountain of Shit, or why my neighbour hates me (543 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.6 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wingfoot (View user info) at 2004-07-11 18:06:07 EDT
I'm sure this sounds familiar to most of you people but I've got the most heinous of all assholes for a neighbour, let's call him Flip. The time he skinned and ate my dog on his barbeque was but one of many incidents. I may not have any "real" evidence like photographs or some such but I know the skinny little bastard did it.
But enough about that. Not thinking it was humanly possible to be such an aggrevating human being without having suffered severe mental trauma as a child or young adult, I embarked on a quest to find out what "was up his ass" metaphorically speaking. The fact that I have way too much time on my hands and need something to fill my empty meaningless life did not contribute in any way to my decision.
So I set off on my quest for the truth. This time I had a clear course of action in mind. Meaningless wandering around and guessing at answers might have worked in getting my high school diploma but I knew I had to work a little harder to solve this riddle wrapped in an enigma.
The first idea I had was to use highly trained vesuvian ninja-flies to infiltrate his brain and discover in this way what his problem was. It back-fired. It is pretty funny to see a 3-year-old fleeing from a horde of crazed vesuvian ninja flies, only to be caught and consumed. The only bad thing from this was that my vesuvian ninja flies were all bloated from eating so much and there was no way they could fly into those entryways for ninja flies that normal people call ears.
On to my back-up plan. I paid five euro to have a buddy of mine check up on my neighbour's background in the provincial register. Turns out he used to live on a farm when he was younger. In a little hamlet called Goëngahuizen. This is one of those villages where the only way to escape is to have a huge scarring accident, ie, my neighbour. All the people from his youth still lived there, and they told me a very gruesome story.
It happened over 23 years ago. Young Flip was minding his own business while taking a shit. Unbeknownst to him, his father, let's call him Dough, was just attaching a hose to their shared cesspool to drain it of the accumulated human excrement and dump it in a truck. You know, one of those things that are installed in houses that are too far from civilization to have their own sewer. Just as Dough turned on the 200 cubic meter an hour pump to extract all the shit, his eye turned to the switch that opened the tanker's valve. It was closed.
Imagine you're a human turd. You've been floating with other turds in a dark smelly hole for almost a week now. Suddenly you are pushed upwards, you have no place to. Suddenly you spot a very small hole, ironically enough the same you used when entering this dark chamber. What would you do?
Indeed.
I think having a massive enema of shit and piss caused by your own father is enough reason to hate humanity for the rest of your life.
I would have attached a picture but you can't imagine how hard it is to find a picture of a boy launched from a toilet by an explosive jet of human excrement.
User Reviews
Submitted by My_dixie_wrecked (user info) at 2004-07-12 04:43:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This wasn't horrible. I think I'm gonna title a post "'or' or 'or'" just to piss people off. I hate people.
Submitted by Rob at 2004-07-11 19:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's no reason why it should irritate you so much Koolmang. Besides, we aren't here to rate people on their titles, jeeze.
Submitted by Rob at 2004-07-11 19:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree with Random and Filthy, it wasn't a bad read or a waste of time.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-07-11 19:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My issue is his shitty title. One of my recent posts was titled "A List of Messed Up Girls, AND why" notice "and" in there? I HATE WHEN PEOPLE USE "OR" IN THEIR TITLE, WHICH FUCKING TITLE IS IT???
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-11 18:59:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Apparently most uberites suffered a brutal anal invasion at the hands of their father this morning. This isn't utter shit. Reads like you're trying a bit too hard but there's some nice touches in here. Keep going.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-11 18:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not all that bad. I don't see what the trolls are bitching about.
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-07-11 18:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate fucking potatoes...
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-11 18:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I would have attached a picture but you can't imagine how hard it is to find a picture of a boy launched from a toilet by an explosive jet of human excrement.
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Never used Google huh?
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-07-11 18:22:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"The Fountain of Shit, or why my neighbour hates me"
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