If You Ever Make A Bet With Your Girlfriend, Don't Fuck It Up (43841 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: boredatwork
Rating: 1.75 on 88 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2004-07-12 14:48:39 EDT
I am not a betting man.
I hate making bets, in fact. The only time I'll make a bet is when I'm 100% sure I know I'll win. Like if somebody bets me twenty bucks that Europe is another planet, I'll take that bet. Or maybe if somebody bets me that their full-house would beat my flush any day of the week, I'd take that bet too.
Like I said, 100% sure.
This is why when my girlfriend bet that she could beat me in a game of pool, I accepted her challenge. The wager was that if she lost, I would get a threesome.
Come on guys, you know you would have done the same thing. The opportunity of a threesome cannot be overlooked. On top of that, I was facing a girl. How many girls are any good at pool? I know Cathy isn't. Hell, I play her in pool all the time, and I kick ass. Right? Right?
We had a smooth start. She made one or two of her balls in (no pun intended..... really) and I made a whole bunch in right off the start. "Man I'm awesome." I thought to myself.
How the tides change.
Let me start off by saying that women are evil. If they know your weaknesses, they will strike fast, direct, and hard. One of my weaknesses is that I'm easily distracted, especially in pool. Cathy knew this.
"*cough* MISS IT!! *cough*" I heard
I missed my shot completely. I laughed it off. She was just too far behind. No way she could catch up. In that respect, I was right. She never caught up. My next shot, I had finally made my last ball in, and all that was left was the 8-ball.
The magical fucking 8-ball.
"You know, Matt, if you miss this, you don't get a threesome."
"Thank you, Cathy, I realize that."
"In fact, if you miss this, you might NEVER get a threesome."
"The thought never occurred to me. Seriously."
"If you miss this, you'll probably never in your whole life ever experience a threesome."
"Now why do you say that?"
"Because you're a loser...."
I lined up my shot.
".... and you have weird hair."
I watched as the 8-ball rolled into the pocket.
The pocket I did not call. I called the wrong motherfucking pocket. I lost the game. I hung both my heads in defeat.
"Wait, Matt, you didn't bet what would happen if you lost!"
"Oh.... uh.... what does that mean?"
"It means that I decide what happens to you. Follow me."
My eyes filled with terror. I was too afraid to ask what she had in store for me. She made a bet with my purely for this reason. She knew I would lose it. How was she so calculating? The mind of a woman will forever be a mystery to me.
When I stepped into my room, there was her friend. Her very hot friend. The terror left me completely.
"Take your clothes off." They ordered in unison.
My roommate heard this and promptly left the room.
When you have your girlfriend and her hot friend ordering you to take your clothes off, your mind gets cloudy. You'll do anything to make them happy. I knew my threesome was going to happen soon. I happily ripped my clothes off and stood there stark naked.
They looked like they so wanted to jump me. Or maybe they were just on the verge of laughing their little heads off. Either way, I was elated.
"So, when do we get started?" I asked.
"In just a minute." Cathy responded.
Her friend walked up behind me and put a wrestling mask over my face. It was one of those really crappy WWF wrestlers from back in the day too. I think it was a Mr. Perfect mask. Suddenly, I felt my body being wrapped in some strange material. They were giggling the whole time. I heard a few pops and realized that it was bubble-wrap.
"This is..... uh.... pretty kinky. I guess."
No response. There was a pause, and I heard a camera go off.
"Hey! What the fuck is that for?"
"Don't worry about it, hun." I heard Cathy say.
I kept my trap shut. I didn't want to ruin whatever mood they were in. Maybe this was their idea of foreplay. Jeez, that bubble-wrap was hot. And tight. Kinda turned me on.
I felt a pair of hands lead me by the shoulders to an unknown place. I could hardly see through the mask. There were a couple of slits, but without my glasses, I could see nothing. When do I get laid?
As they led me through the next door, I could feel cool air. I was outside. It was then that I realized that my threesome was not going to happen. I was standing outside naked, covered in bubble-wrap, and wearing a ridiculous mask. I could hear people close by laughing at my plight.
I felt something slam into my back, and I hit the ground immediately. Somebody pushed me over.
"Oww!! What the hell!? What the fuck is this, Cathy!?"
I then felt hands all over my body. They were pushing me. Rolling me. All of a sudden, the hands left my body and I kept rolling. I was going down a hill. By this time, I was pissed. This wasn't funny. This was just humiliating. I rolled to a stop, stood up, managed to rip the bubble-wrap off, and walked back to my dorm.
Did I mention I was naked?
When you enter the dorms, you need to swipe your ID to get in. I stood proudly in front of the RA naked and wearing a Mr. Perfect wrestling mask.
"Got your ID?" He asked.
"I'm sorry. It seems I've left my ID in my pants."
After the RA finished laughing his ass off, he simply said, "Good enough for me" and let me in. Thank God.
I didn't get laid.
Life's a bitch and so is my girlfriend.
User Reviews
Submitted by svgwrestler (user info) at 2007-12-04 17:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-04 17:05:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ArchangelOfDoomM (user info) at 2007-12-04 16:46:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is about the hottest thing I believe I've ever read.
Just know, dude, that SOME guys would've happily traded places with you.
Seriously. This was hot.
(BTW, I'm betting the threesome eventually happened. Am I right?)
Submitted by RenTheUnsightly (user info) at 2007-09-01 06:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How did this show up on google? Esplane to me pleese. Ah, this was good enough.
Submitted by bigshot (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
classic. kill the bitch
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is uber harsh... i hope major revenge soon followed
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 11:37:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff... reckon you should kill her and her friend.
Submitted by xrobynx (user info) at 2005-02-19 11:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I was your girlfriend, I wouldn't do that to you ;-P
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, it seems as if I have left my ID in my pants.
Priceless.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-10 17:06:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a gullible fool.
And I think your girlfriend deserves a gut-punch. BAM! Straight shot, right in the baby-maker.
Submitted by ezphilosophy (user info) at 2004-11-21 21:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done. I don't give out 2's often.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-27 11:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wheres the part where you break her jaw?
Submitted by queenoftheramen (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by YourMom <your.at.mom.com> at 2004-09-10 18:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You should have taken the picture with the mask on, dumbass. Really believeable.
Submitted by pakifier (user info) at 2004-08-22 02:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice stroy but very fabricated. Good read keep it up
Submitted by bubba69 (user info) at 2004-08-20 12:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you're a pussy or a liar! no MAN would put up for that shit from a couple bitches.
Submitted by briancte (user info) at 2004-08-13 02:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
should've laid there like you couldn't move. That'd scare the shit out of them right?
Submitted by alragusa (user info) at 2004-08-09 17:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good story - once and for all:
When it comes to poker:
1. Royal Flush - the best possible hand
2. Straight Flush
3. Four of a Kind
4. Full House
5. Flush
Just Google it people!!
Submitted by Stephanie <stephaniekleinn.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-07-30 15:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You poor poor thing.....Just an FYI, threesomes are over rated but the bubble wrap sounded interesting!
Submitted by GhostWriter (user info) at 2004-07-22 03:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kinky.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-07-20 21:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apparently, there is some disagreement with me saying that a flush beats a full-house.
I know it's wrong. Believe it or not, that was one big-ass fuck-up on my part. I will admit: A FULL-HOUSE BEATS A FLUSH!!
God, let it go already.
Submitted by Jack Jackson <hotween.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-07-19 17:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey jackass, not only are you a tool for choking in a game of pool against your woman, but a full house does beat a flush, moron.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-07-19 08:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude... Excellent.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-07-18 23:43:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wtg on B@W on this post.
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2004-07-18 19:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, good story and it made me laugh and all, and I think you should get your
threesome and all, but there's no bong in the background of this picture and
you claim to be in a dorm room. Your dorm room sucks.
Submitted by partygirlcg (user info) at 2004-07-16 02:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Man im a chick at that is pretty bad. The cow probably didnt want a threesome so she did that to get back at you!!
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-07-15 19:53:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are legendary on this site.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-15 17:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you cut the pic off too short dammit matt!
Submitted by YeahRight <kjskjsdh.at.kjhkjh.com> at 2004-07-15 16:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah...right. Don't you have anything better to do that try to make anonomous people pitty some made up story?
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-15 14:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that sux buddy
Submitted by hyprspacd at 2004-07-15 13:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If she made the bet. She wanted the 3way.
Submitted by Helpertin <me.at.fake.com> at 2004-07-15 11:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Since when have you had to call the 8-Ball? This is the first time I've ever heard of that... perhaps I was just too busy actually playing pool to throw in arbitrary and meaningless rules. Having to call the pocket you are going to put the 8 ball into is a bull-shit rule the doesn't need to be followed. My friends and I never follow it because it's just dumb. I've been putting the balls into whatever pocket I choose for the whole game and there is no need to stop that for the last ball. You should have maintained that you won the bet cause you put the eight ball into the hole.
Submitted by ralphmacchio (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story, but not funny. i would have been fucking pissed and ditched the chick. unless you are some type of dude that likes the humiliation.
but good story anyways.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2004-07-14 08:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if it happened to me I'd laugh.... I would.. honest. Damn funny and damn brave guy to try it. I'd HAVE to give him credit for that..
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-07-14 07:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your girlfriend deserves a violent, bleeding, raw-dog ass-fucking.
What did you do the next day, after the incident? Did you talk to her about it, or did you try to let it go? That shit didn't make me laugh, man.
I mean, all you wanted was a threesome. Big deal.
What do you think that bitch would do if you masked HER, bubble-wrapped her, and rolled HER down a fuckin' hill? She'd probably bitch and cry. Some women are just fuckin' peanuts, man, I swear...
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2004-07-14 05:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
still laughing at "I hung both my heads in shame" ha ha ha. good read. like her style..
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-07-14 05:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool post, but i beat you.
i willingly TURNED DOWN a threesome, of my own volition. with my own voice. without a gun to my head.
im a bigger idiot than you. hooray for me.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-07-13 23:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUNNY motherfucker.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-13 22:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your girlfriend makes me happy. This is the same girl that pulled the gay guy stunt in the store, right?
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-07-13 19:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I came back from my absence just to say congrats on making Bored At Work. Whoo hoo!
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by stacenbass (user info) at 2004-07-13 17:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You need to knock that bitch the fuck out.
Submitted by nt_2day (user info) at 2004-07-13 16:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny story, next time be a little smarter and find out what u have to give up if there is a possibility that u loose
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-13 16:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W!
Submitted by WhiteLightning (user info) at 2004-07-13 15:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man... that sucks.
If you haven't dumped her ass yet, the next time you nail her, donkey punch the shit out of her. Or a Chinese Torpedo. Or both - from the sound of it, she deserves nothing less.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-13 15:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work!
Submitted by geofroley (user info) at 2004-07-13 15:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-07-13 15:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny, funny shit
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-07-13 12:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
matt's got the poker hand right.
but for you poker illiterate the hands are as follows:
high card
pair
2-pair
3 of a kind
straight
flush
full house (boat)
4 of a kind
straight flush
Royal Flush (just a straight flush to the Ace)
again, good story
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-07-13 12:31:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
women ARE evil. though i'm thinking you'll remember that after such an experience.
the horror....
...the horror...
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-07-13 11:18:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Their full house _will_ beat your flush any day of the week...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-07-13 11:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Icon <iconxnoci.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-13 09:15:35 (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the story.
-1 because you're ugly, and I can't see getting laid by one hot girl, let alone two.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by johnyboyny <johnyboyny.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-07-13 09:10:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
you didnt get a treesome because your ugly
+++++++++++++++++++
Someone needs a math class and someone needs proofreading lessons.
Great story, you don't look so thrilled.
Submitted by Icon <iconxnoci.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-13 09:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the story.
-1 because you're ugly, and I can't see getting laid by one hot girl, let alone two.
Submitted by johnyboyny <johnyboyny.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-07-13 09:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you didnt get a treesome because your ugly
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-07-13 01:38:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pwn3d
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-13 01:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DancingHobo (user info) at 2004-07-13 00:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed like Jay Leno's guitarist.
B@W
Submitted by sixmilliondots at 2004-07-12 23:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have a threesome with you. Teehee
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-07-12 22:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty funny.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-07-12 22:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy fuck! haha
B@W!
Submitted by j00 (user info) at 2004-07-12 22:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-12 22:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny!
Submitted by cnympho247 (user info) at 2004-07-12 21:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha. I bet shes not a bitch. She probably was getting you back for always beating her in pool.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-07-12 21:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your new stuff is some of the best i've seen keep it up Matty.
PS: Sandbag her!
Submitted by dpbcold (user info) at 2004-07-12 20:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-07-12 20:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A full house definitely beats a flush unless it's a straight flush you ugly bastard.
Submitted by ZeroSignal (user info) at 2004-07-12 20:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im stoned and this is fucking hilarious.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-07-12 19:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But that bubblewrap would still be fun to pop...assuming you didn't get it all while you were rolling.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-12 17:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tommy doesn't know what hes talking about. Matt is right. A flush beats a full house.
Submitted by TommyG (user info) at 2004-07-12 16:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Despite your lack of poker knowledge, I'm giving this a +2.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-12 16:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:34:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for not posting the lower half.
hehehe you look pissed!
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-07-12 16:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Their full house would beat your flush... unless it was a straight flush.
I'm surprised nobody else caught that.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-07-12 16:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-07-12 16:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart should expand the MVA to 30.
That would give us quick access to Murphy, streetpunk, Matty Mai, PAS, and jimbo.
Of course he'd have to omit squattail.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:59:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet my girlfriend that I will never watch "My Little Pony" videos.
She's using everything in her power to make me watch them.
I'm still holding out strong, though.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus two for me seeing your nipples
Submitted by floridastate311 (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Females are ruthless...
What school do you go to?
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am definitely in agreement with JMG on this one.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:58:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I make it up to you? I'd happily give you a BJ.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture makes me wanna squeeze you till you pop...
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, i hope you beat the shit out of her, women need to know who is the boss.
TONY DANZA!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for not posting the lower half.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woah man, what a twat.
Revenge: next time you have sex, ram it in her dumper. Simple, sweet, and right to the point. She'll know who's in charge after that.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had better redeem yourself. For all men you have to get the women back..
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Submitted by iamshadows0 (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:13:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dump the bitch!
Submitted by johnnyno (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny story, but I'd probably dump her ass after I finally got that threesome.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the shit we go through to get laid...
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why aren't you wearing the Mr. Perfect mask?! I am apalled!
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Matt, I feel your pain.
I shoot a pretty good stick myself. Ok, to toot my own horn a little, I've been playing seriously for 15 years now. Tournaments in the tri-state area (NY-NJ-CT). A $450 cue. Which would lead you to believe that I could hands-down beat any girl, any table, any time (with the exception of a couple of pros).
Not happenin'.
Call it a mental block, or just fear of looking like a mean asshole for beating a woman on the table, but I dread playing against women in bars.
Look at it this way. If she was willing to offer the threesome as a bet in the first place, then she's probably ready for it. Tell her to put her friend on layaway for your birthday.
+2
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I make it up to you? I'd happily give you a BJ.
Submitted by Chuckdeez (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Moral: Don't Trust Women
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
very sad.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pop
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok... dude... here is the way to have a threesome.
Start screwing your girl, with the freind watching. If the freind is a slut, she'll start playing with herself.
Then get the freind to start eating out your girl.
Bam Threesome.
Worked for me 3 different times.
Of course my GF was a complete and total slut, and her friends were too.....
It was definitly worth the clap though. Definitly.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your girlfriend. Give her my number.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You suck at pool.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You better smack that bitch up.