How to not get hired...Or I shouldn't be such a jackass! (707 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.71 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by plushpeach <kristineethomas.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-07-12 14:55:57 EDT
WARNING: This is a rather wordy post. For those of you who don't like to read them, stop right here.
Seeing how I was fired from my last job for having an attitude problem (and yes I know it was misspelled on my last post) you would think I would have learned to keep my smart assed mouth shut. Sadly I have not learned from my past mistakes. Besides being serious and behaving are not as much fun as fucking with peoples heads. Take my last job interview for instance.
I was applying for a secretarial position at a military base nearby. I had to go through a series of interviews beacuse a lot of the information I would be dealing with would be considered classified and so I needed a security clearance. The first part of the interview process was to take the civilian entrance exam. After scoring extremely highly (as if a trained monkey wouldn't score as high), I was asked to schedule an appointment for a polygraph test. That's right a lie detector test. It would be held in the police headquarters of our city. So I show up bright and early and have to fill out a ton of paperwork, giving them access to review my financial records and etc. * I can tell you what they found out- I'm broke. Why else would I be applying for this job?*
Anyway where was I? Oh yes! So I'm sitting in the waiting area flipping through magazines and trying not to fall asleep, when they call my name. For anyone who has taken a polygraph you know the procedure. For those who haven't had this joy let me enlighten you.
They take you to this tiny little room with two-way mirrors along one whole wall. So that they can watch the interviewer and he/she can give signals if it looks bad or something. Either that or there were perverts beating off behind it - who knows! They sit you down and explain the questions that they are going to ask. The interviewer will tell you not to bounce you legs or twiddle your fingers and etc so that you don't set off the blood pressure cuff and heart monitor and disturb the finger thingy they put on you for your pulse. They also have you close your eyes so you can't focus on anything except the red/black glow of your inner eyelid. Then they run through the questions you'll be asked. They ask about things like drugs, and stealing. They also ask you about your sexual behavior.
You might wonder why this is. Should that be any of their business? Is what I do in my sexual life any of their concern? Well they certainly think so. The types of questions they asked were hilarious. And as I have a smart-assed mouth my answers were, in my humble opinion, hilarious. So here goes and I'll skip right to the good part (* I'd like to note that I wasn't actually taking the test yet just familiarizing myself with the questions that would be asked - it's a law they have to do it.) So back to the story:
Interviewer: Have you paid for sexual intercourse?
Me: No.
Interviewer: Have you ever traded sexual favors for money or gifts? (this made me laugh)
Me: Well of course! Aren't that what boyfriends are for?
Interviewer *with a look of WTF? all over her face: Um.. Are you serious? ( I'm laughing harder now)
Me: No, I was just kidding.
Interviewer: Oh OK. Have you ever had sexual intercourse with an animal?
Me: An animal? (snicker snicker snort)
Interviewer: Yes, a chicken for instance.
Me: Well my last boyfriend was a jackass and the one before him was a pig, does that count?
Interviewer *with a slightly annoyed look on her face: Miss, please just answer the question.
Me: Sheeesh! Lighten up! No, I haven't had sex with a barnyard animal.
Interviewer: Have you ever used sex as an intimidation technique over a subordinate?
Me: Hey that's a pretty good idea. Maybe I should be a dominatrix? Then I wouldn't have to go to interviews. They could come to me!
Interviewer *with an extremely pissed off look on her face: Miss I'm going to have to ask you to either take this more seriously and respond accordingly, or request that you leave.
Me: Ok I'm sorry it's just that these questions are ridiculous! I thought I was answering accordingly.
It was shortly after this that I was escorted from the building. The next day I received a letter saying that I wasn't the type of person they were interested in having employed with their company. Wonder why? Oh well, maybe I should practice my whip cracking. After all that was a good suggestion. Say my name bitch! teehee.
User Reviews
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-07-12 16:31:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:14:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:58:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:57:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
The ending kinda killed it.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-12 16:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah they had a whole section about drugs. Good thing I never had to take the test for real.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of when I joined the army. This was right before the whole Don't ask, Don't tell policy took effect.
Interviewer: Did you ever use illegal drugs?
Me: No. *giggles*
Interviewer: Have you ever had sex with an animal?
Me: Is my girlfriend considered an animal?
Interviewer: No.
Me: Then, no I haven't. *openly laughing*
Interviewer: Have you ever had homosexual thoughts?
Me: Nope. *in tears laughing*
Interviewer: Have you ever had any homosexual sex?
Me: Do farm animals count? *doubled over hyperventilating laughing*
Interviewer: No.
*I couldn't get a word out because I was laughing so hard. I shook my head no.*
That guy was so pissed at me. I think that he let me go through, so I wouldn't be back again.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-12 15:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah I didn't know how to end it 7 I didn't want it to be much longer than it already was. So - meh.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:58:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:57:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
The ending kinda killed it.
Submitted by mad_monkey_mojo (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Show your tits.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:10:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not bad, but you're still poor
Submitted by LadyDi at 2004-07-12 14:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome ~ I esp. liked the boyfriend favors part!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:57:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
The ending kinda killed it.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The ending kinda killed it.