White Collar Tales: Weird Gary pt. 1 (373 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Buzz Archer <archerv.at.colorado.edu> (View user info) at 2004-07-14 07:03:10 EDT
His name is Gary...he listens to Journey and he looks like the progeny of Mr. Belding
and Screech...except with a severe case of astigmatism. I need to reveal some background information in order for the reader to fully appreciate the person that is 'Weird Gary'.
Out of necessity, I have had to take up a second job in order to finance my destructive
'midgets and blow' habit, that and to save up some money for the fall semester. I ended
up being hired to do data entry for a small company in Englewood, Colorado.
The first two weeks were uneventful as I learned my routine. But one day, I noticed that the
office secretary's chair was occupied not by the quiet 40-year woman who had worked
there for 10 years...but by a 33 year old guy who wore glasses that would put Urkel to shame.
Later on I found out the old secretary had developed shingles and self-medicated herself
into a hospital.
I never really talked to him until I needed to quench my thirst at the water cooler one day.
As I reached down to partake in some liquid refreshment a stench immediately raped my nostrils.
I could only describe the smell as a combination of slim jims, menthols and Ajax
drain cleaner. I found Gary lurching over me like he had an extra chromosome or three.
"Have you heard the newly remastered Quiet Riot CD?"
This was the first complete sentence he ever spoke to me and I immediately inferred that
he was a few porn stars short of a gangbang if you know what I mean.
"Err, weren't they an early 80's rock band? I think I was a protein stain back then" I tried
not to make direct eye contact with him.
With that comment, his eyes lighted up and his astigmatism glasses threatened to bulge out.
This was what I did not want in any way, shape, or form. Weird Gary thought he found a
kindred spirit. I tried to end the conversation politely.
"Sorry bud, I have some to type up some random big words and surf some porn sites...have a
nice work day Gary"
I turned around and headed back in a bit of a zig zag motion, as I know that decreases
your chances of getting hit in the back by a bullet. Later on during the lunch break I
headed over to the Chipotle to grab some food when I heard Journey at an ear splitting volume.
I saw Weird Gary pull up next to some rather good-looking college co-eds and proceed to
flick his zippo. It may have been a combination of Journey blaring out of his car window, the constant cigarette smoke, or the fact that he had an "i like lipstick on my dipstick" bumper sticker on his 1992 Eagle Talon that caused the girls to run like the devil. Weird Gary
knew that I watched the entire event and he flashed me a little shit-grin. I shuddered and
hoped I would not have to associate with him anytime in the near future.
The rest of my summer had gone by fine without ever looking at or talking to him. Until
todat... I was discussing a recent South Park episode with a co-worker when he comes up and starts laughing at what we say without ever contributing to the conversation. This made us
quite uncomfortable and we tried to wrap up the conversation A.S.A.P. Yet he was able to
contribute one golden nugget before we left, he chuckled one more time...
"That's true Buzz, but you have to remember that two in the hand is worth one in the bush."
My co-worker's jaw dropped open and he slowly took two or four steps away from Gary. Leaving
me as the one closest to him.
"That's nice Gary, but I do not think that that comment had anything to do with what we were talking about." I noted
"Oh that's true...I just wanted to make some small talk."
I looked around and saw my colleage silently scurrying back to his desk. Weird Gary left soon after and now I am dreading the moment he decides to come over and make some more 'small talk'.
To be continued...
User Reviews
Submitted by BuzzArcher (user info) at 2004-07-21 00:08:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah...it's me....who's this random joe?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-14 17:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Virgil??? Is that you???
Submitted by BolderBoulder (user info) at 2004-07-14 13:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh that picture!
it's burned into my retinas now.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-14 10:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the bumper sticker
"i like lipstick on my dipstick"
i don't know why that was so funny but i laughed out loud
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-14 10:22:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Solid -1. Sorry dude. Not really entertaining, a few spelling and grammer mistakes, not really funny, but not a -2.
Submitted by Gary <weird_gary.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-14 07:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't think you can write shit like this on the internet about me and get away with it, you slack jawed faggot, come tommorrow, I am going to beat the pussy out of you at the office.