Warning! A poem! (990 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.86 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by conrad <ball0395.at.rogers.com> (View user info) at 2004-07-14 15:22:21 EDT
Christ could it be, that we were predestined,
To adumbrate base your crucifixion,
With another death - my belov'd ascend,
And raise sacred human desolation?
What faith could o'erturn your flesh's turning,
Grey, light's earthly waning, too weak to feel,
Your hand's softness sad; brute bestial yearning,
That a moment's death may not paint unreal?
Blue though her skin, and still though her breath, an
End of her being ends not her beauty,
Ethereal though her wan face's paean;
Such beatitude is forever earthly.
Heaven is human; lovers each need,
Hell is wherever endure the bereaved
User Reviews
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-07-20 00:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations on your recent achievements.
We at "Lynne's UberContest" would like to show our admiration for your extensive movie knowledge.
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-07-19 19:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations on your recent achievements.
We at "Lynne's UberContest" would like to show our admiration for your extensive movie knowledge.
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-07-19 19:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations on your recent achievements.
We at "Lynne's UberContest" would like to show our admiration for your extensive movie knowledge.
Submitted by Etaerualteop (user info) at 2004-07-19 19:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This poem seemed pretty good, and the imagery is cool as well as is the language. I didn't get what it was talking about though. The theme and contents is too obsufcaeted to be really cohearant.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-07-18 16:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PAS - "adumbrate" here means "sketch" or "approximate" a martyr-like death, rather than go before it, so I suppose you were nearer to the mark with your "echoing". The she may have been predestined to end up like this does not, therefore, place the event at a particular moment in time.
As far as the "wan face's paean" I only meant to suggest that beauty existed beyond death, that even in death her face was worthy of a paean. I thought this reasonably explicit, though I admit that the first stanza may have been a bit nebulous. Typical Romantic stuff really.
Technically, yes, this is a perfect Shakespearean sonnet viz. iambic pentameter abab cdcd efef gg
The previous poem that you looked at was a sonnet too, Petrarchan. I have recently been experimenting with the more restrictive, demanding forms as mental exercise, but I do feel that sonnets have an inexplicable beauty which must be a consequence of their form. I've even written villanelles and sestinas recently - if you enjoy wordgames, crosswords in particular, these poetic mediums can be alot of fun to lay with.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-07-18 12:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Conrad, as always you write very deep poetry so far as subject matter is concerned. I suspect your poetry is also always written in very good form, although it has been a long time since I studied form (and I'm too lazy to count the syllables).
However, could you explain a couple of things about the poem to me, and I apologise in advance if the answers are obvious, I'm not always the sharpest tool in the box.
Regarding your use of the word 'adumbrate', if you were using it to mean foreshadow, which would fit with your use of 'predestined' in the line above, then I interpret the poem to mean your lover's death came *before* Christ's crucifixion, which it obviously wouldn't have done.
Perhaps your lover's death echoed his crucifixion rather than preceded it? Anyway please explain this bit to me!
Secondly "Ethereal though her wan face's paean;" 'paean' seems at odds with the poem - he is upset yet she is singing a song of joy - does this mean she is happy in death, but he is not because he has lost her?
Good stuff
PAS
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-07-17 20:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rating poetry is usually beyond me. i haven't read much poetry since the days long ago when i had a good teacher who opened it up a bit for me.
my plus two is for this:
"RB - you are a fucking moron. What's wrong, frat boy, the monthly rohypnol truck didn't turn up at college and you've subsequently discovered that women have nasty, scratchy nails and don't want to sleep with you? I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE POETRY - KEEP OFF MY FUCKING POETRY POSTS THEN. Everyone knows you're an idiot; you don't have to ram it down their throats by -2ing anything even remotely intellectual. God, even addressing a creature so contemptible makes me feel dirty; I'm going to wash my hands. "
i think you have surpassed my previous favourite putting of the boot into rb:
"
good thinking really bored
How in god's name did you take on some kind of leadership/voice of authority mantle in here, which your paternal tone suggests you assume? To me you seem a slow, dim-witted, sexist and racist fuck.
You refer to following Bart's example, but i wonder if you appreciate the ironic import of your words?
Perhaps you are clever in a very subtle way, but I suspect not.
Oh and bog boy, thanks for advancing me one more notch up the tower of babel list, which of course is my sinister female goal.
chauvanist, racist fuck!
"
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-07-17 14:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-17 02:08:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Sonnets, like all non-freeform poetry is only effective if it's properly punctuated. This one has some commas and such that do not belong. I am a lover of poetry, but for this one, I am sorry to say I have to go with just 'worth reading'.
What in God's name are you talking about, Harold Bloom? "Commas and such that do not belong" - where? If you don't like it, just say so, but to fabricate structural failures on my part that simply don't exist, dressing it up in a pronouncement of the highest foolishness, is just wrong. This piece, along with a few other recent works on my part, is about to be published, unedited, in a national poetry journal; perhaps the editors missed the "commas and such that don't belong", therefore rendering my non-freeform poetry ineffective.
RB - you are a fucking moron. What's wrong, frat boy, the monthly rohypnol truck didn't turn up at college and you've subsequently discovered that women have nasty, scratchy nails and don't want to sleep with you? I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE POETRY - KEEP OFF MY FUCKING POETRY POSTS THEN. Everyone knows you're an idiot; you don't have to ram it down their throats by -2ing anything even remotely intellectual. God, even addressing a creature so contemptible makes me feel dirty; I'm going to wash my hands.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-07-17 12:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/38689
This anus accused me of being wrong on so many levels - he couldn't count them. I assumed it was because I posted poetry which is wrong on so many levels - he can't count. But NO! He's doing it too.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-17 02:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sonnets, like all non-freeform poetry is only effective if it's properly punctuated. This one has some commas and such that do not belong. I am a lover of poetry, but for this one, I am sorry to say I have to go with just 'worth reading'.
Submitted by bean (user info) at 2004-07-17 02:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sounds like metal...Jesusmetal, that is.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-17 01:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RB, you're a fucking moron. Conrad, this kicked ass. Reallybored has nothing better to do than actively seek out poetry and whine about its presence.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-07-15 12:35:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
iddqd - To adumbrate in a base manner a crucifixion, such as any adumbration of Christ's crucifixion would by definition be, is what I intended this line to mean/infer.
I take your point on that rogue "an" though my intent with this sonnet was to write it in a technically perfect manner - I don't think that it offends the eye too drastically out there.
I steered clear of the optimistic ending as this sonnet deals with a real event, about which I'm feeling far from positive at the moment. Such glibness would feel blasphemous to me right now.
Munkeypants - +150; why, do you too not understand my poem?
Submitted by Theory_Eyed (user info) at 2004-07-15 04:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is excellent.
listen to satchel - he offers good advice.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-15 02:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow corn_nugget, your iq is 120? Mine too!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-07-15 02:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They say it's hard to communicate with people outside of 10 Iq scores of yourself.
So, either- I'm drunk.
Or
Your IQ is above 150
or
Your IQ is below 130
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-07-15 01:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
quite nice, the rhythym is really quite nice, particularly the second stanza (which is i think the best.). though i had a couple problems: "To adumbrate base your crucifixion," - im not sure the about the syntax of this: im quite sure that im wrong, but the sentence doesnt 'work' in my head, would you mind explaining?
next: "Blue though her skin, and still though her breath, an" - the "an" at the end of the line, running into "end" on the next line. i see where the "an" is important, but i think you could write this without using "an": it just feels a little clunky. i think the lines work, without the use of the "an".
but just my opinion.
death is always a nice conceit, as is the allusion of the permanence of her beauty. since youve gone for a sonnet, i wonder why you didnt do the usual shakespearean or petrarchan thing of alluding to her living forever and remaining beautiful forever through your words?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-14 21:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For fuck's sake, its clearly marked as a poem. How can you not see the irony of clicking on 'Warning! A poem!' just to tell somebody that poetry shouldn't be on uber? It's not your fucking sandbox is it. GAH.
....deep breath...I'm calm...it's ok....
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-07-14 21:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You lost me at "adumbrate".
Listen to RB.
For the love of God, listen to RB.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-14 20:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. Pretty technical, but then again I read Bukowski and Ginsberg. I am a Beatist by nature, but I can appreciate the approach.
Great image too, in the last stanza.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-07-14 18:06:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The "whatever" did come across as tetchy - thanks for the clarification.
An for the "Christian-themed" stuff - I didn't mean anything evangelical by it. Margaret Avison just uses the device very well.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-07-14 18:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I took it as such, and thanked you for it. I hope that I didn't come across as tetchy, but I didn't intend that a Christian device would make this a "Christian-themed" poem. Anyway, thank you again.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-07-14 17:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked this one very much, by the way: http://www.ubersite.com/m/32165
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-07-14 17:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That was meant as constructive criticism, conrad. Did you want an honest opinion when you posted this?
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-07-14 17:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have no interest in "Christian-themed" anything - here, it was just a device; we tend to reach blindly around in times of disaster. Aside from that, I don't see the language as archaic, but, whatever, thanks for the comment.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-07-14 17:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Too old-fashioned, and it felt like reaching, to me. I didn't feel like I had window into the poem, because the formal language got in the way.
If you are interested in Christian themed poems that I think are terrifically well done, may I suggest Margaret Avison?
You put in the effort, though, so "worth reading".
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-07-14 17:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bad ass bro.
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2004-07-14 17:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually did end up googling this one, and it appears to be original. That being said, my complements on a very good poem.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-14 17:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:52:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
Poems and Ubersite dont mix.
---
Very true. But, this one was marked.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-07-14 17:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-07-14 17:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Plagiarism!! Absolutely, certainly not; you may google any line there and not find its likeness, and frankly, were I a plagiarist, I wouldn't be so dumb as to do it on Ubersite.
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+3 for a great poem
-2 for suspicions of plagiarism
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't listen to reallybored, it's clearly marked so he's only got himself to blame. I liked this, the last two lines are fantastic. Good stuff.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Poems and Ubersite dont mix.