Tom Becomes One With Shiva (4224 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.95 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-07-14 15:36:18 EDT
Many of you who have been following along with my Tom series have expressed a desire for more stories about his famous freakouts. I thought about what you wrote, and tried to recall the most colorful and vibrant episode. Of course, the first incident that leapt to mind was the following:
Before Tom started dating Mya, he was trying to get into the pants of an Indian girl (dots, not feathers) who was straight off the boat, so to speak. Her name was Hiranmayi, and she was vegetarian, had the dot in the forehead, practiced Hinduism, the whole deal. She also had a boyfriend with a pretty strong jealous streak. They had transferred together, along with Hiranmayi's best friend, from some school in California (I couldn't tell you which one, or why they chose to transfer to Appalachian of all places), and moved into the apartments right across the street from us.
They came over for one of our Jungle Juice parties fairly soon after the semester started, and from the outset, the girlfriend (her name was Wendy, but she looked like a monster so we called her Wendigo) was out to destroy the relationship. Evidently, she didn't agree with the boyfriend's control freak tendencies, and was trying to engineer a breakup so she could have her best friend back. Unfortunately, Tom was love struck from the first time he saw Hiranmayi. She had that sort of willowy, exotic beauty that almost all sheltered white boys find absolutely irresistible. And Wendigo used that quality to try to bring about the downfall of the affair.
Whether alcohol is prohibited in the Hindu religion I couldn't say. Maybe Hiranmayi was a casual worshipper, but in any event she got fucking destroyed at the party. Wendigo was with her the whole time, watching over her and quietly whispering things in her ear about how the boyfriend was an asshole, didn't deserve her, and by the way was probably cheating on her every chance he got. For three straight hours she worked on her while the boyfriend was casually drinking and ignoring her. Tom was at the Juice cooler, monitoring the juice consumption and overhearing the entire conversation. Then he saw his opportunity when Wendigo made the following remark:
"You could do so much better...I bet this guy would treat you better than that asshole."
And she nodded toward Tom, standing dumbfounded not two feet away from the girl of his dreams. Tom amazingly grew his sack by three sizes at that moment, and piped up with entirely too much confidence:
"It's true. I'm a hell of a guy."
And to my everlasting astonishment Hiranmayi actually said the following words to TOM:
"Well, you ARE cute...Okay, you can be my new boyfriend."
Super-size scrotum or not, Tom had no response prepared for that comment, and stood there open mouthed and stunned at his good fortune. I'd have to say that Tom was a fairly smart chap, but to this day I still can't believe that he took Hiranmayi's proposal seriously. I mean, would you?
Apparently the Hindu God Brahma was not pleased with Hiranmayi's conduct, and chose to send the boyfriend walking into the kitchen at exactly the proper moment to overhear the "cute" comment and everything that followed. In that instant, 3 things happened:
1. The facial expression on the boyfriend changed from pleasant buzz to horrifying fury.
2. The facial expression on Tom changed from divine rapture to confusion.
3. The boyfriend charged across the kitchen, screaming "MOTHERFUCKER!!" at the top of his lungs.
He made it across the kitchen in a flash, but was evidently too blinded by rage to aim accurately. Tom sidestepped the guy like a Goddamned bullfighter and he went crashing into the kitchen table, bowling it over and scattering the chairs in every direction. Tom nimbly hopped over to the opposite side of the room while the boyfriend slowly staggered to his feet, Hiranmayi at his arm trying to calm him down.
Boyfriend: "She's my girlfriend, dickhead! Stay the fuck away from her or I'll fucking kill you!"
Tom apparently lost his mind at that point, because he suddenly blurted out, "She's my girlfriend now, motherfucker! You heard her! She doesn't love you! She wants me! She said I could do her IN THE BUTT!!"
Dead fucking silence.
Now, I'm pretty sure that Tom didn't know whether or not Hiranmayi actually practiced The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name. Maybe Wendigo told him, maybe he made a lucky guess, or maybe he just hit that guy's Pavlovian trigger phrase. But Hiranmayi's eyes became as big as dinner plates, and the boyfriend went totally fucking insane. He Shrieked Like a Berserker and sprinted toward Tom with no thought to his own safety. They collided with a terrible crunch and went down, a mass of limbs and teeth and cacophony. Nick and I, bystanders up to that point, enlisted the help of several other people to break them up. We forcibly restrained the two, taking care not to get too near their mouths for fear of getting bitten. The boyfriend, clearly in need of a straitjacket, was struggling furiously and screeching in a horrible, high pitched wail.
We had a secure hold on both of them, and my group (the one hold the boyfriend back) slowly forced its way to the front door and shoved the guy down the stairs. Hiranmayi cried out to him and flew out the door to assist him and take him home, while Wendigo stood there with a huge triumphant smile on her face.
Not that it has anything to do with anything, but Tom ended up sleeping with Wendigo that night.
*shudders*
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-02 08:09:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2006-05-07 01:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 09:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-08 20:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gooooooooolllld!
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-25 12:31:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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......+.................222............!!!!!..
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Submitted by nathan_s (user info) at 2004-08-25 12:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story has now moved to classic status.
Submitted by pooky_carl (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Christ you nearly killed me.
Directly after "...in the butt!!!" I flew from my chair, as i was falling to the ground i read "Dead Silence". I fall on the ground and proceed to role around on the floor laughing till i started to cry.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-07-26 21:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm suing you for the spleen I ruptured laughing.
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAH! for the next one, you gotta get a cage, 200% alcohol, the BF, and tom. COmbine all and let the battle royal begin! A MUST for ubercon.
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-26 15:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tom - you're crazy...you're crazy...I love you man...but you're crazy
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-22 12:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll make up the guest room bed for you.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-07-22 02:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's it, I'm moving in with you. Clear out a room for my things, I'll be there in a week.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-07-20 17:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin a man, you need to publish a book of Tom stories, please keep these going, they are fucking amazing and are the only things that make my day at work a little brighter.
-BongZilla
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-07-20 05:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First time I've cried after laughing so hard at an Uber post.
Submitted by ishouldbeworkingwhilstatwork (user info) at 2004-07-20 05:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude that shit was much better, best part
...and piped up with entirely too much confidence:
"It's true. I'm a hell of a guy."
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-07-20 05:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GloriaIronBox (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:32:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I didnt have to read any farther than "dots, not feathers" to give you a +2 :)
__________________________________
and a +2 for you with the nice Family Guy reference in your user-name.
Tom posts = automatic +2. MORE PLEASE.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-15 22:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-07-15 03:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff. Tom rules.
Espo
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-14 22:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And did he do Wendigo in the butt.
That would be divine justice.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-07-14 21:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wendigo... I see someone reads Marvel comics.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-07-14 19:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Possibly the funniest picture ever.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-14 19:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty entertaining. Not overly funny, but episodic. I read the whole thing if that tells you anything.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-14 18:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-07-14 18:07:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As always man, +2 material.
"Now, I'm pretty sure that Tom didn't know whether or not Hiranmayi actually practiced The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name."
--That quote, awesome.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-14 17:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always +2 material.
Submitted by AnchorMan (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
made me laugh.
Submitted by GloriaIronBox (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didnt have to read any farther than "dots, not feathers" to give you a +2 :)
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom rules
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fear what his children would be like. Wendigo + Tom = Wenditom... oh the humanity.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:00:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom kicks ass.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha.. She said I could do her in the butt... thats fucking classic
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BOOYA GRAMMA
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT FUCKING PIC IS TEH AW3S0M3!!11!!
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok. This was seriously a 0 compared to the other tom posts. Thinking of it, it should be a -1 because I have in fact, seen better. But one line saved it. One line made this a +2. Just one simple line.....It was this line that made this post so much better then average. What line do you ask? What line, so amazing in it's simplicity, yet so fucking hiliarious that I spewed diet pepsi all over my computer? Ah my freinds... You too shall be enlightend.
She said I could do her IN THE BUTT!!"
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom rocks my world.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
very enjoyable
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom is an honorable Samurai
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I take Tom home?? or could I have you??
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The Love That Dare Not Speak It's Name"....
F'ing Brilliant!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom is definitely the man.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Tom. Not in a "I want to meet him, or be within 100 yards of him" sort of way, but in that curious bystander sort of way.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tom is always good for a laugh
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom is the shit.