Well, she's dead. (Long) (679 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.62 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rixes (View user info) at 2004-07-15 01:00:09 EDT
To be honest, I never really liked her much anyway. She was always bitching about something. In a way, I'll miss her, mainly because now our family will have nothing to talk about, all we ever talked about at family reunions was about how fucking nuts she was. I'm referring to my grandmother on my father's side who passed away July 2nd. This was not only sad, but shitty. Why you ask? Because my birthday is July 4th and I seriously got fucked over. I could consider myself lucky though, I have a disturbingly large family and my cousins birthday was the day of the funeral, another the day after.
Anyway, all the uncles and aunts and inbred relatives had to come to our house to visit since our grandpa lives with us in the bottom half of our house. I was praying to the god of whatever the hell religon we are that at least one of my cousins smoked. My cousin Andrew and I split a bottle of vodka into our own 2 liter bottles of soda, or you might know it as pop. Getting wasted is nice, but god damn, I want to smoke some weed in honor of Granny.
We were all sitting around the kickass bonfire I made(it lasted 6 days), and got to hear some truly horrific renditions of Margaritaville. Now broaching the subject of smoking marijuana to someone can be somewhat dificult at times. We aren't really a close, stay in touch, happy go lucky family. I haven't seen most of these cousins for several years. I decide to wait until the elders have passed out or wandered off to smoke their own pot, I would say it's midnight, give or take a few empty beer cans. Now, is it just me, or does everyone have that one person in their family that starts singing Hank Williams Jr. songs and acts like a peice of shit when they drink? No not beer, an entire bottle of Kessler's.
That would be my cousin Eric. He just got on leave or furlough or whatever the fuck you get from the Navy the day my grandma died. He was the one who's birthday was the day of the funeral. Eric thought that if he recited diaglouge from the "Blue Collar Comedey Tour" everyone would laugh. And he was right, they did...the first time. After hearing "Drunk in pub-lic" 70 or 80 times, it really isn't funny anymore. He must have realized this and opted instead for the Ed Mcmahon HEEEEEEEEEY-OHHHH after every fucking thing he said. Thankfully another cousin dragged him off somewhere to get some pussy.(I found out later he got some kind of STD, HAH)
Now, thankfully, its just me, and four other partially sane cousins. I say partially sane because two of them are...well...a little borderline incestual. There always all hugging and having their arms around each other shoulders and shit, its creepy. They remind me of Ross and Monica from freinds, you just wanna slap them. But I figure there just wierd because their dad, my uncle, still says "I love you" everytime he leaves them, and they say the shit right back to him. Normally I wouldn't find this odd, but their 18 and 20. I mean cmon, you gotta fucking grow up and stop that shit sometime.
The other two are also brother and sister, but they are more like my family in the sense that I would rather slap my brother or sister up side the head than give them a hug. So I whip it out, no not my dick, my bowl. I've had it since I was a little kid and it would take a fucking army to get it away from me...or a cop pulling up behind me. I get the old family discount on weed, so I grab and O out of my pocket, the incest children rant and rave about how it must be WAY more than an ounce. Urge to slap RISING. Anyway I pack a bowl, take a hit, and ask who else smokes. Suprise fucking suprise, incest kiddys take one hit and thats it for them. Luckily the other two smoked a few more bowls with me.
So we shoot the shit for a couple hours and incest boy goes off to bed, while incest girl stays. Also my normal guy cousin takes off and normal girl cousin stays. By now I think its around 4:00 and we are starving, we walk over to my car and are about to hop in to go to IHOP when we see a car pulling into our drive. It's the creepy guy that's related to us but I can't figure out how. This guys wife died not to long ago of a brain tumor and cancer, bunch of shit combined, anyway he was fucking the nurse while she was still ticking. Nice guy huh? Anyway I have a theory that this guy must be some kind of child molester. Every women gets a wierd creepy vibe off him. He doesn't really explain why he showed up, but he did and he asks where were going, I tell him IHOP and he walks over and hops in the backseat saying "Lets go".
So I grudginly get in, normal girl gets in frontseat, and incest girl opens the back door, looks in, and says she changed her mind, she's going to go to sleep instead.(I asked her later and she admitted she just didn't want to sit in back with Creepy Mcgee) So I'm stuck with my normal cousin and Sicky Mcfuck in the back. Get to IHOP, must have been an ugly bitch convention going on because DAMN. Of course, Psycho Mcwackadoo is checking out all the underage ogre's. I get the continental breakfast, or some shit like that, turns out all it is, is eggs runnier than snot, tiny ass pancakes, and raw sausage and bacon, yummy yummy.
I'm getting a little tired by now, and considering the funeral, if you can call it that, was the next day at 2:00, I figured a little sleep couldn't hurt. So we get back, I'm about to pass out so I say goodnight to my cousin and Wierdo Mcneedledick. I had a dream where either I was the preist, or the best man in Tom Jones and Chewbaccas wedding. I can't remember, I just know I was pissed off in the dream for some reason. Anway, wakey wakey, drive on over to the church, find out their's not going to be a body, I guess my Grandmother, in her infinite wisdom, decided donating her body to science so some pimple-faced fuck could chop her up for research, was better than letting her family see her in her final resting place. No gravestone, no memorial or anything, kind of anti-climatic. Anyway, we all get seated, and this is where I start to zone out, the guy up front, who I assume was some kind of preacher or something, starts quoting shit from the bible. Ok, I expected that, no biggie. But then all the sudden everyone burst out in song from the inbred bible-thumping side of the family, this was funny to me since the majority didn't know we all were supposed to sing, even if they did, I doubt they knew the words.
As you might have guessed, at least I hope you have, I'm not a very religious person, and I still can't figure out what the hell singing has to do with being dead. Where do they tie in? Someone please enlighten me. Anyway after the 5th song or so, the ADD or SAD or whatever the fuck disorders I have are really starting to act up. Luckily, no more singing, they called up family members to say memories or funny moments they remeber of grandma. Now most of them were pretty good, my family is a bunch of smart-asses, so it wasn't to bad. But then, HE started walking up, his nickname is Kritter, he got a fucking tattoo of it on his arm. Got out of prison a few years ago, has a one and a half year old girl. We also found out hes back on Crystal Meth, cheating on his wife, and has some kind of STD(I swear it doesn't run in the family, just those two). Normally I wouldn't be worried, but last night he was playing air guitar for roughly 10 minutes, and he was by himself in the room, I glanced in now and then just to check if he was still doing it. Whats even worse is, I don't think the song even had a guitar in it. Even with all that, he said some very touching things and really suprised everyone.
That's about a tenth of the whole story and I don't feel like telling anymore tonight. It's 100% true, so let me know if you want to hear some more of it. I've still got much more to talk about, making the younger kids cry, the fireworks, my girlfriend, and I can't even remember whatever else right now. Kudo's to you for reading the whole thing. You will be blessed in your next life.
User Reviews
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-07-21 05:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe, Johnny, I didn't even know. No one in Ben's family mentioned it...between your family and mine...we should have a competition someday.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-15 11:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was not only sad, but shitty. Why you ask? Because my birthday is July 4th and I seriously got fucked over.
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That part made me laugh out loud, but the rest was kinda long and a little boring.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-15 07:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like a John Cougar Menstrualcramp song on mushrooms.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-07-15 02:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"a bottle of vodka into our own 2 liter bottles of soda, or you might know it as pop"
I like how you kinda squeezed that in there. Was that in reference to my post making fun of the pop-people?
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-15 02:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOTF I read all that.
I liked it. It makes my family look sane.
Submitted by DarkDevil (user info) at 2004-07-15 01:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Lacked Climax, otherwise funny. You have a fucked up family.
"Your not allowed to make jokes about rednecks unless you are one, and I are one"
Submitted by koolkt85 (user info) at 2004-07-15 01:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
well it was too long to hold my short attention span but i cracked up at this line:
Getting wasted is nice, but god damn, I want to smoke some weed in honor of Granny.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-07-15 01:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! I think that's being American for ya.