The Big Dick (1161 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.64 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <murphydog5.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-07-16 17:42:52 EDT
Tuesday afternoon at work was hot. I mean SMOLDERING hot. So hot that I was sweating before I even fired up my machine that cuts steel pipes. After moving around for a little bit, the situation would only get hotter and hotter.
I needed to do something to cool down. I need a fan, like everyone else had, to blow air on me. I had a fan, actually, but a little poopy cheap fan that moved air about as fast as a stubborn turd. I needed something with POWER.
Portland, that day, hit ninety degrees and all the heat from the sun was captured and contained in this machine shop. Worse, there are absolutely zero windows, so the air was still and wet.
"I can handle this," I thought. I pinched and rolled my spongy earplugs between my fingers, jammed them in to my ears, put my safety goggles on, tied on my apron, and took a quick breath. "I can handle this." Then I put on my bright turquoise latex gloves.
The extension cord to my fan was fully extended so that I could put my fan right next to my face. I fired up the machine and put the first pipe between the clamps and turned the wheel to pull the blade through the steel pipe.
Sweat was already beading on my face and the first drop plopped on the inside of my goggles, making everything to the top left of my left eye blurry. "Fine, okay, it's starting already, but my fan will cool me down and dry my face, you'll see, just take it easy," I thought. I put the cut pipe on a big chunk of blackened plywood and prepared for the next process. I ran my deburring tool around the sharp edges and stacked the pipe in a big steel crate. Another plop of sweat on the goggles. "I'll check the fan to make sure it's on 'high,'" I thought, even though I was triple sure it already was. It was.
Ten pipes later I couldn't see anything. Twenty later and I could feel drips tickling my nose and cheeks. Thirty later and my armpits were squishing with every movement and I could feel the occasional drop slide down my chest and lower back. Every time I bent down to pick up another pipe, at least five drops of sweat would shake off my face.
I turned my machine off, took my goggles off and cleaned them with the bottom corner of my T-shirt. Then I looked around. Everyone else was dry and happy. They had better fans.
I put my goggles back on and cut a couple more pipes when I finally slammed the red button, turned to my bone-dry coworker, and said, "I CAN'T DO THIS!" I was PISSED. I was sweating so much that it was not only uncomfortable but also EMBARRASSING.
He said, "HUH!" and he lifted one side of his headset.
"I CAN'T DO THIS!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"IT'S TOO FUCKING HOT IN HERE!"
Then he did something that surprised me. He quickly looked left, then right, then left, then back at me. He had that 'I've got a naughty secret' look on his face. He said, "there are BIG fans in 'bend.'" 'Bend' was a few meters away from 'wash' and we worked in 'trim.' He continued, "we're not supposed to take them but nobody in bend works swing."
My eyes got big and I too looked around just to make sure we could secure this deal without getting caught. I said, "can you help me?"
He said, "sure, but if you get caught, I didn't say anything. Got it?"
"Yep." I wiped new sweat from my eyebrows.
I considered the danger. I could only think of two possibilities for getting caught. The first was Steve, the swing-shift foreman who rolls around on his electric golf cart. The second was Tweek, the fork-lift driver. Tweek scares me. He's pissed off all the time... a certain rat.
My friend turned off his machine and escorted me to bend. There were three vacant and dark work stations in bend, that I could see, and Steve and Tweek were nowhere in sight. We passed the first dark station—another poopy fan like mine. I shook my head 'no.' We walked by the second station to find a slightly bigger fan than mine but it looked all beat up. I shook my head 'no' again and my accomplice sighed and kept walking. Then we arrived at station three.
There must have been a crack in the roof somewhere because a beam of angelic sunlight illuminated a certain spot in station three. As we curiously walked by station two, I pinched my T-shirt and puffed it a couple times to cool down. We both looked at this beam of sunlight, with dust particles floating through it, and wondered what was around the corner. We rounded the corner at the same time and at once I lost my breath. Glistening in the beam of sunlight was an all-steel construction high velocity eighteen inch air circulating fan with a full 360 degree adjustable tilt. Rubbing my hands together and giggling, I looked to my left, then sharply to my right, then left again, and then I approached the fan.
Then, all of the sudden, I heard a "BEEP BEEP." It was Tweek!! "Oh fuck, oh fuck," I thought, as I was trying to think of a good reason to be in bend should Tweek inquire. I was caught in his headlights and his propane-powered fork-lift was heading right for me. At the last minute he spun off to another direction and started picking up a pallet. Then he disappeared. PHEW!!
I wiped more sweat off my face with my shoulder and grabbed that fucking fan and speed-walked back to my work station and knocked over my stupid poopy fan with a determined swipe and then I clunked down it's replacement. My hands were shaking as I fiddled with the extension cord—it felt like everyone was watching me. I plugged that fucker in and I immediately saw the huge steel rotating blades rotate from entropy to a singularity to an explosive blur that sounded like "WHAW WHAW WHAW" when it spun. I stepped in front of it. My T-shirt and apron ruffled behind it's power. The beads of sweat on my face rolled toward the back of my skull like raindrops on a passenger side window driving eighty through a lightning storm. All I could say to myself was "AHHHHH."
I had to give thanks to the fan. I had to give it a name. The fan's name is "The Big Dick."
Thank you, The Big Dick. Thank you.
Murphy
User Reviews
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-08-20 21:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-28 18:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-21 18:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PolPot (user info) at 2004-07-17 05:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
big dick? or dig bick! THAT IS LA QUESTIONE!!!
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-07-16 20:42:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to write more.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-07-16 20:34:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmmm sweaty menz
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-07-16 18:30:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Readers who read this also like "The Carry On Series".
Ooh er...
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-16 18:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Amused! Amused I mean!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-16 18:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This had me quite aroused!
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-07-16 17:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha!
Too funny
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-07-16 17:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope I can find The Big Dick again today so I can use it.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-07-16 17:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The fan, the fan!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-16 17:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You got blown by the big dick.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-07-16 17:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-16 17:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any time.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-07-16 17:45:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're welcome.
=)