Swamp Ass and Magnet Balls (16298 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.5 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (View user info) at 2004-07-17 08:40:21 EDT
If you are a guy, you have probably had at least on super humiliating case of swamp ass. Its one of lifes little inevitabilities that get you at the worst times
We've all been there. Its warm outside, you've been walking, and you are wearing khaki colored pants. Before you know it, you're sporting a sweat stain that rivals the offensive line of the '94 Cowboys.
You always can tell you have the wet spot, but you can't always determine the size. Its hard to look at your own ass, and even harder to ask somebody to tell you how much butt sweat has soaked through to your pants.
The worst part is that there is abso-fucking-lutly nothing you can do to combat this unfortunate hygiene display once the glands get rolling. Plus you know what everyone is thinking. "Sweet grandma's spatula! That just made me puke in my mouth a little! Oh well, best not to tell him and just point and laugh from afar."
The best thing you can do to help prevent swamp ass is to wear cotton underwear. It absorbs a lot of the sweat before it hits your pants. Powdering your ass comes in a close second. Not a ton, because once you start sweating, you don't want it to turn into cake batter and have to spend the rest of your night picking dingleberrys out of your ass hair.
The unfortunate side effect of swamp ass is magnet balls. (sticky balls, sweaty balls) If you wear boxers, you could end up with this uncomfortable condition. This is where your munchkins stick to your leg like super glue. No matter how much you peel and shift awkwardly in front of your boss, girlfriend or priest, the attraction of balls to leg is too strong.
Going commando is the only effective way to set this problem straight. It provides easy access to the boys so if they get to swinging one way or the other, its an easy, unobstructed path. No underwear to bunch up and chafe, so you have to adjust it before you adjust yourself.
But going commando is more apt to get you that gnarly case of swamp ass. Wearing jeans helps, as they are darker and the sweat won't show up as much. Again, a light powder on your baby batter makers lessens the chances of magnet ball. Too much powder, though, and its dick cheese central for you, buddy.
Nothing sucks more than scraping excess powder that turned into sludge from that spot between the side of your leg and the side of your balls.
I'm sorry if the women of Uber feel left out. But remember, if you have a rack, under-tit sweat is like swamp ass for guys. Just so you have something to compare it with.
My name is Sunjunkie, and I suffer from swamp ass.
User Reviews
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-11-07 19:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute.
Submitted by Cathy33 (user info) at 2009-11-07 13:49:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hi, I found a solution to the sweating problem at the butt/back/bottocks/booty: The Naprap Pants http://www.ostomartstore.co.uk/acatalog/Naprap_Pant.html A panty which is water resistant! You sweat a bit stronger while wearing it but there won't be any marks on the chairs/pants anymore! Ostomart has a very good customer support. If you don't like the product you can return it within 14 days and get your money back.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-07-19 21:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's nice that smeone "scratches" this subject.....
Submitted by floridastate311 (user info) at 2004-07-19 13:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This story is a mixture of Gay and Fag.
It's Gag.
I didn't know it was possible to sound homosexual on text, but you did it.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-07-19 05:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I said I would sign in and actually rate this so here I am. Also here is the +2 you deserve for it.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-19 05:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's times like these i'm glad i'm female.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-07-19 05:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many hilarious lines to quote...
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-18 21:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Irony:
Kicker of all ass (+2)
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-07-18 21:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is this world coming to?
wait... munkeypants, you shaved your asscrack?
Terror/Disgust
Submitted by ferrisbeuller (user info) at 2004-07-18 17:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what Blitzkreig said
Submitted by denim9 (user info) at 2004-07-18 17:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything you ever wanted to know about sunjunkie04
User id: 9808
Registered on or around: 2004-06-28 16:01:05
# Messages posted: 21
# Reviews written: 434
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 319
# Hits: 4890
Average rating of all messages: 0.69
Thanks!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-18 17:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WAAAAAAAAY too much information here.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-07-18 16:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The last line gave me the mental image of a swamp ass support group. Scary.
Munkey, I shaved my ass once whilst drunk- it left a lot of marks, which got infected, which made shitting (or even sitting down) an incredibly painful experience. So yeah, ass shaving is bad, even from a male perspective.
True story, by the way.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-18 15:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha sorry couldn't be helped...
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-18 15:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-18 13:47:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do not shave your asscrack, Ladies! Trust me on this!
=====
Sweet mother jesus. You do NOT want the mental image I've got in my head right now. Gah!
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-07-18 15:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sweet grandma's spatula! "
That line alone gets a +2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-18 13:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the girls of uber not to feel left out -
Do not shave your asscrack, Ladies! Trust me on this!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-18 13:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Speaking of ass: http://www.ubersite.com/m/38590 (NSFW)
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-07-17 16:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post has it all.
Grandma
Puke
Dick
Balls
Sweat
Cheese
Crack
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-17 16:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was fairly amuzing. Although I disagree with your analysis of the situation...
I have never 'suffered' from swamp ass. It makes me feel all squishy and sexxxy, especially when the smell gets going good - it's like Tulips in Springtime.
Submitted by bubbamoore (user info) at 2004-07-17 12:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Sweet grandma's spatula! That just made me puke in my mouth a little!
Submitted by Not Random Joe at 2004-07-17 09:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah im not botherig to sign in cause im lazy. i hate BSTL (bag stuck to leg) and swamp ass. and i know it all to well. Althoug i find a pair of haines boxer briefs, or sport briefs, whateve they are called, to be som of th best to avoid these situations. when i get my computer back i think ill sign in and rate this one
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-07-17 08:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, if that last line doesn't get me laid, nothing will.