The Wheel of Galactafan (2490 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Miscellaneous
Rating: 2 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-07-19 12:54:24 EDT
My fucking hearing is going. I swear to God, I don't know what the deal is. I'm only in my thirties, but maybe I worked around jet engines for too long. Maybe I went to too many concerts in my day. Maybe I just don't pay attention to what people are saying, but I've started hearing things. Swear to God.
Last week, I was driving to Barnes & Noble with the whole family, and my oldest daughter wanted to know if we could get the hardback 1-volume edition of The Chronicles of Narnia. I rejected the request, because we already have the paperback box set. Because she was being especially petulant that day, she sulked back in her seat, stared out the window, and said:
"Shit Shit Eighty."
I nearly ran us off the road, and shouted back at her:
"We don't talk like that in this family! Watch your mouth, young lady!!"
My wife slapped my hand and whispered fiercely at me:
"She said, 'I wish you didn't hate me', you idiot."
"Oh. Sorry pumpkin...I thought you said...well, forget it."
I bought her the book.
If that was the only occurrence, I could probably let it go, and not get so worked up about it, but there's more. A few days later, my wife and I were at the Arby's drive through (mmmm....roast beef with cheese) and after we put in our order, the mechanized voice on the other end of the line asked if that would be all for us. I turned to my wife and she said:
"New England Nut Nut?"
I must have had that confused look on my face, because she caught it immediately, and before I could say anything, she exclaimed:
"Oh, for fuck's sake! DO YOU THINK IT'S ENOUGH FOR US?"
"Oh, yeah...I think so."
Again, I feel it was an honest mistake, but one that I seem to make rather often, I'm afraid. The other day, we had some friends over for dinner, and we were sitting out on the back patio, drinking and bullshitting. We somehow got on the topic of the OJ trial, and how we thought the verdict set race relations back in this country. And then one of my friends looked tright at me and said:
"I'm surprised his defense team didn't use The Wheel of Galactafan."
The Wheel of Galactafan? What the fuck was that? Was this some new legal precedent of which I was heretofor unaware? I didn't want to appear unintelligent, so I went along with it, hoping that by listening to the phrase in context, in time I'd be able to determine the proper definition. No luck. The phrase didn't come up again. The conversation went on and on, but I couldn't figure it out. My head wouldn't cooperate with me. My brain mocked me for my ignorance. I couldn't take it anymore. Suddenly I blurted out::
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THE WHEEL OF GALACTAFAN!!"
Silence. My wife turned to me with that sympathetic look she reserves for my more retarded moments:
"Honey, what are you shouting about?"
"He said he was surprised that OJ didn't use the Wheel of Galactafan! What the fuck does that mean!"
"Honey, he said the 'we-all-look-alike-defense'. Get it? Because of the racial issues?"
"Um...Okay...sorry."
Maybe I'm just fucking retarded.
User Reviews
Submitted by cocaine (user info) at 2007-09-22 17:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious....sad that in the long run this will suck even more for you, but for now, hilarious fodder.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-09-22 16:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-09-22 12:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
7 years of operating a machine gun has basically fucked my hearing totally. SG is also hard of hearing. Therefore, we are both incredibly loud. She can't always understand my Pacific Northwestern accent (she swears everyone from Washington and Oregon tries to talk without actively opening their mouths and blames Kurt Cobain) and when she's drunk or stoned and her accent gets REALLY thick, or she uses some wild british slang that I don't get (WTF does "numpty" mean, anyway?) it has been known to start an actual fight.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-09-22 10:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The reason you are getting a +2 is because I too have this problem.
I am hearing impaired as well from a childhood surgery gone awry...I have excellent hearing in one ear, and none in the other since I was 6 years old...so 29 years of this fun game and it still isn't entertaining to me.
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-01 01:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
new england nut nut...
i think ive almost read all of your posts now jimbo, you are an absolute legend!!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-06-02 03:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, this is good.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-13 05:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's no such thing as deaf people, they're just too lazy to listen properly.
Same goes for blind people, they're just not looking hard enough.
... Fuckers.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-05-13 05:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you problem here is the not saying anything for fear of looking stupid, it makes you look stupid.
I misshear all the time, I just straight away repeat what i think they said (the filthier the better), for great comic results.
This beats going "uh" like my girlfriend does, this means you have to repeat the entire sentence because you do not know which bit she did not understand. Then when she does not underdstand again you have to repeat again, gods it made me tired just having to type that out.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-05-13 05:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love shit like this.
Submitted by Rasta (user info) at 2005-05-13 04:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Rock concerts and gun ranges baked some of my hearing too!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-13 04:43:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of my favorite posts of all time.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-11-22 20:31:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We're coming out of hyperspace.
*ding*
<feminine computer voice> now approaching: The Wheel of Galactafan
Submitted by Trouble514 (user info) at 2004-11-22 20:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LMAO!!!!
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-22 19:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain... such is the penance for playing rock.
BTW, this made me laugh so hard I chipped a tooth.
Submitted by dolfin (user info) at 2004-09-09 20:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cookies nose disk glass hippo fun.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-07-21 16:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really like this also.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-07-20 17:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i spat on the computer screen twice from laughing. bitch dont ever stop being so funny
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-07-20 03:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
its like a button of lead
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-20 03:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-07-19 19:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Silence. My wife turned to me with that sympathetic look she reserves for my more retarded moments:"
===================================================================================================
OH LORD do I know these looks.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-07-19 19:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMN ......this was funny as shit.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-07-19 18:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was the funniest fucking thing I've read all day. I'm literally crying.
It's okay; we all do it no matter how old we are.
Submitted by dudette (user info) at 2004-07-19 17:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What The_taste_of_Monkeys said.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-19 15:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You might be retarded but you are still goddamn hilarious.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-07-19 15:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA, this is starting to happen to me... and my wife gets angry at me like I am mis-hearing stuff JUST to piss her off.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-19 14:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do that sometimes.. but wow.. the wheel of galactafan..
And you should buy your daughter books while she still wants to read.
Submitted by johnnyno (user info) at 2004-07-19 14:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can completely relate. In an effort to deflect all blame from myself, I simply chalk it up to the inability of other people to properly enunciate.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-19 14:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rainman (user info) at 2004-07-19 13:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-19 13:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Victor to the gas."
I said, "Kicker of all ass!"
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-19 13:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's too bad, but whatever you do, either get that hearing aid, or stay the fuck away from the phone. People who can't hear are a nightmare for customer service reps. I swear if one more 80+ year old calls me and yells "WHAT'S THAT DEARY?" into the receiver, I will personally hunt them down and put them out of their misery. And it's impolite to tell customers to turn their fucking hearing aids on. So don't be that guy. I beg you, for the love of all that is holy.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-19 13:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crash (user info) at 2004-07-19 13:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Getting old is a bummer dude. I swear people mumble just so I have to ask them what the hell they just said. No one asks me to repeat myself, therefore, they must be mumbling.
Lazy mumbling motherfuckers
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-07-19 12:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Har har giner!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-07-19 12:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"New England Nut Nut?"
I cracked up at this point