I'm back + a cool forward. (806 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.08 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by David Jones <davjones.at.iastate.edu> (View user info) at 2004-07-19 16:19:52 EDT
I'm sure I was missed greatly during my month long absence, but that's behind us now. I have finally returned. You may all rejoice now, drinks are on me, party time!
What's that you say? You didn't notice I was gone? Ha-ha, you always were such a kidder...
Ah hell, anyway, don't have anything cool or exciting to write, so instead I will just leave you with this forward I received while gone. I don't care if you have seen it before, read it again damn it, it really just is that good.
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Dear Susan:
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"Cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
And this is what my heart says...
"There's no one like you, Susan." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean?
Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Susan? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her sluttish, shameless hunger, but something else. Some ****ling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me.
It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Susan, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper Side last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant until later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Susan, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us.
But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Susan. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the remote control is?
-John
User Reviews
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-07-22 18:26:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was gone for a while too, uber users shot up past 10k, lots of new morons. Never seen that before, some funny shit.
Submitted by JimRants (user info) at 2004-07-20 01:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ice skater body? you mean fat ass thighs and a big ass?
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-07-20 00:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
who the hell are you?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-07-20 00:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice.
Good to have another writer back.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-07-19 17:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-07-19 17:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-07-19 17:23:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crash (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:30:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit, just when I'm ready to write ubersite off, here is my daily genius. The rest of you fuckheads could take a lesson from this guy and start amusing me more.
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Hey douchnozzle you could I don't know AMUSE US fuckface. From what I have seen out of you my pet monkey can write better. So go ahead and go fuck yourself.
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I'm thinking brain injury at a younger age...maybe some echo-drug flashbacks...definitely some sort of "plate" around a temporal region...
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-07-19 17:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ummm lets not get testy
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-07-19 17:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crash (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:30:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit, just when I'm ready to write ubersite off, here is my daily genius. The rest of you fuckheads could take a lesson from this guy and start amusing me more.
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Hey douchnozzle you could I don't know AMUSE US fuckface. From what I have seen out of you my pet monkey can write better. So go ahead and go fuck yourself.
Submitted by Uberfuck (user info) at 2004-07-19 17:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen this before, but it never stops making me laugh. The line "Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt" is the funniest thing ever written.
Submitted by Kitishane (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've read this before, although I don't remember where.
Submitted by Crash (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit, just when I'm ready to write ubersite off, here is my daily genius. The rest of you fuckheads could take a lesson from this guy and start amusing me more.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
enjoyable, for a forward...
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
he he he, this is pretty damn good...you should write quotes for Hallmark
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-07-19 16:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh Davey.