Play It As It Lies (956 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.15 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Alasdair (View user info) at 2004-07-20 05:30:15 EDT
"The only people who love cunts more than men... are women" - witty quote by some guy we met in a bar.
If you're like me, you're a fairly balanced guy. You enjoy sports; yet don't use one bad umpiring decision against your team as a cue to riot (it requires at least four bad decisions to trigger said riot). You can laugh at lowbrow things such as herpes jokes and children falling over, but also appreciate dry British humour and black comedy. You devote your reading time evenly between Ralph and the essays of Noam Chomsky. Your keen interest in death metal is balanced by your extensive collection of skin care products. You know when and when not to cry (at funerals and whilst getting a haircut respectively). Essentially, you represent the happy medium between Rambo and Liberace: a proud male who also happens to have a sensitive, compassionate side. With all of this considered, you'd think your personality would correlate pretty well with those sought by females in a potential mate. You would be right, if not for one perplexing and highly intricate concept, which I have simplified for you below.
WOMEN ARE FUCKING LIARS
At least 80 percent of them anyway, and that's being generous. Time and time again we see attractive women squander their lives with deadbeats, adulterers and all-round champion pricks because hey, he has a nice car and looks vaguely like that guy from the 80's sitcom about the sassy car park attendant who was also a werewolf. We need look no further than Hollywood to see the pervasive stupidity which guides women in their choice of partners; Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, OJ Simpson and the hot chick he murdered, Rod Stewart and Rachael Hunter; the list goes on. I mean come on, Rod FUCKING Stewart - the man looks like a half-burnt candle in a peroxided wig, AND he had the audacity to release a song called "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?"
Moving a little closer to home, lets look at a couple of our Australian celebrities and contrast the way in which they go about their approach to women; I have chosen two subjects so far removed from one another in general demeanour that they are not unlike the proverbial yin and yang.
Subject A: Hugh Jackman
Hugh Jackman is a sweetheart. He's always smiling, chipper and looking like he'd kindly give you the shirt off his back if you asked for it. Hell, he'd give it to you even if you didn't ask for it, and he'd iron it for you too. He divides his time between doing Foxtel ads, giving cheerful interviews, rescuing small animals from burning orphanages and painting pictures of the ocean for handicapped children. I'm also led to believe that he can turn water into wine, and suffers from stigmata on a regular basis. Hugh Jackman is such a nice guy that the fact that he won the role of Wolverine still haunts my dreams. Honestly, its like casting Clint Eastwood as Patch Adams.
Subject B: Russel Crowe
Russel Crowe is the Hollywood equivalent of a box full of angry badgers that has been left in a paint shaker for nine hours. He is notoriously surly, egotistical and difficult to work with. My own personal theory is that Russel played Maximus so well because pretending to be a hairy, surly man whose reputation hinges on acts of brutality isn't so far removed from every day life as Russel Crowe. If you asked Russel Crowe for his shirt, he'd punch you once for having the gall to talk to him, then a second time for asking for his shirt. After that, he'd steal your mobile and make obscene calls to your loved ones, just for kicks. In summary: Russel Crowe is a bad man.
Bearing in mind that the vast majority of women are untrustworthy and on the cusp of insanity, lets look now at the different approaches our subjects would take in meeting a woman and establishing a bond with them.
Scenario A
[A woman is walking her dog past the lovingly restored heritage home of HUGH JACKMAN. As she passes, HUGH JACKMAN, who is watering his petunias, makes conversation.]
HUGH JACKMAN: "Hi there! Lovely day, isn't it!"
WOMAN: "Beautiful! Hey, aren't you Hugh Jackman?"
HUGH JACKMAN: "Well...yes, but today I'm just a gardener. Boy, these hedge clippers sure are rusty - I could really use my Wolverine claws right about now! Ha Ha Ha!"
WOMAN: "Oh Hugh, you're so affable and charming! It must be wonderful to be Hugh Jackman!"
HUGH JACKMAN: "Well I tell ya, it's better than being Hugh Jass! Ha Ha Ha! No, I'm only kidding, and its wrong to make fun of people with unfortunate names. Please forgive me"
WOMAN:"Tee hee! Oh Hughie!"
[WOMAN drops her handkerchief]
HUGH JACKMAN: "Hey, oh no....your hanky is dirty! Here, take mine - I was planning on wearing it in my tux for the Oscars, but mucus washes out easily enough!"
WOMAN: "Uhh thanks...say, it sure is hot out here...do you think maybe I could use your shower?"
[Woman winks suggestively]
HUGH JACKMAN: "Oh yeah, sure! I'll just wait out here and keep your dog company by telling it amusing Hollywood anecdotes! When you get out, I'll make you some chocolate muffins and listen to your banal stories about work and your stupid friends! I love having girls around! Oh gee, this is great!"
WOMAN: "On second thoughts...I think I'll just go home and shower. Nice meeting you, Hugh!"
[WOMAN walks off]
HUGH JACKMAN [Craning neck out over fence and yelling]: "Have a super day! I'll be restoring precious Ming vases and building a Rhino sanctuary in my back garden this weekend, you're free to join me! Nice meeting you!"
Summary: Hugh, the gentle soul that he is, got shafted. Instead of looking to establish a lasting relationship, the fickle female left him hanging. Hugh weeps manly Wolverine tears and fetches himself a mid-strength beer, as he abhors the misuse of alcohol.
Scenario B
[RUSSEL CROWE has just stormed off the set of the latest Hollywood war epic, citing "directorial incompetence". Basically, this means RUSSEL chucked a sulk when RIDLEY SCOTT told him that WWII US soldiers didn't carry maces and wear suits of armour. On his way back to his trailer, which he intends to drive into a creek, RUSSEL CROWE bumps into a naïve MAKEUP ARTIST]
MAKEUP ARTIST: "OHMIGOD! RUSSEL CROWE! I LOOOOOVE YOU!"
RUSSEL CROWE: "RAGGAN FARR YUUUUHHH SARRAH!"
[RUSSEL CROWE grabs MAKEUP ARTIST by the larynx and shoves her into a portable toilet. Fourteen seconds elapse, after which a flustered looking RUSSEL CROWE emerges with his camouflage pants around his knees.]
MAKEUP ARTIST [from inside toilet]: "Oh Russel, you're the best!"
Summary: Russel Crowe is about as courteous and respectful to women as the common baboon. Women seem to appreciate this. Russel Crowe is married to a reasonably attractive woman. There is no God.
As has been demonstrated here, women love barbarians. In the immortal words of Ali G. "treat 'em ruff to get da muff". Its true, it really is. Still not convinced? Well good, 'cause I'm still plenty irate and I have more to reveal.
Does it ever strike you as funny that almost all women claim to want a guy with a "sense of humour"? Does it strike you as equally funny that a great number of attractive women, the selfsame women who seek a man with a "sense of humour", all end up with guys who think farting in a scrum is the pinnacle of hilarity? Lets assume for a moment that a sense of humour is as important as girls say it is. How many women do you see beating on Rowan Atkinson's door? I'm sure poor Rowan has shared many a strawberry daiquiri with David Beckham over just how difficult having so many female admirers is.
The major difference between men and women is honesty. Guys can be totally blunt about the fact that sometimes all they want is a physical relationship, whereas girls can't. Here are some classic girl lines and what they really mean.
"I need some space" - This newfound space will soon by occupied by the entire an entire baskettball team, including the mascots and the old guy who sweeps the floors while whistling show tunes from the 40's.
"I really see you as more of a friend than a boyfriend" - I asked you out and had sex with you several times, because that's what friends do. Also, I'm a girl and I'm nuts.
"We're different people" - I can't believe you find my various stories about shoes and being upset tedious and uninteresting!
"You're a really sweet guy but..." - We both know my excuse is lame, so I'll just tail off and hug you, getting mascara and tears all over your new white shirt.
"I'm just not ready to commit" - I want to be plugged in every hole like a leaky Soviet submarine.
Now let me clarify this point; I'm not against men having relationships with women. I think if you can find someone you truly click with, dealing with the emotional side of things can be a strangely fulfilling. That said, no relationship is ever safe from girlspeak and its duplicity. If a girl wants to break hurtful news to a guy, the least she can do is not patronise him by pretending its been as emotionally-draining an experience for her as having had a terminal illness. For any female readers out there, here is a list of totally honest ways to tell a guy you aren't interested.
"I don't date guys who collect hats"
"I think there's a cream you can get for that....and no fucking way will I go out with you"
"You'd be pretty attractive if you weren't ugly"
"There are plenty more fish in the sea, and you do bear an uncanny resemblance to a barracuda"
"Get the fuck off my porch before I release my Alsatian"
These can be altered to suit your circumstances/rejectee, or you can even create your own; just remember to fight the little impulse in your brain than compels you to be so fucking indecisive.
The subject of how women deceive and mislead men has been explored ad nauseam by other writers, and for this reason I will desist from discussing it in any further detail. Most of my readers probably came into this with prior experience (e.g. high school) of how women manage to unerringly pick the men who are the complete OPPOSITE of what they say they want, then using some flimsy excuse like "Oh, he really cares for me despite all the roundhouse kicks to my temple" to defend him. Bah. Anyway, in order to fight this asshole-centric mating radar women have, I've come up with my own method of turning the tables, and guess what; it involves the fine feminine art of lying!
The LAPDANCE Method:
The LAPDANCE (Lie and Always Pretend; Don't Allow Nonsensical Compassion or Empathy) involves releasing the Russel Crowe in all of us. Basically, the LAPDANCE method conditions all sensitive new age guys to stomp out their snaggy urges in favour of the debauchery and chauvinism of a Pirate or a Holden driver. In much the same way as Buddhists learn to free themselves of misery by focussing on the corruptive nature of desire, LAPDANCErs rid themselves of their consciences by drinking nothing but malt liquor and watching nothing but "Olympic Javelin Mishaps Volume 9" and the "Death Wish" films, starring Charles Bronson. In denying one's sensitivity, one finds fulfilment (and by "fulfilment", I mean raunchy sex and breakfast the next morning). Here is an example scenario.
GIRL: "So....life got really tough after Mum contracted "Spinal Accordion Syndrome"..."
LAPDANCEr: "Sad story, got a smoke?"
GIRL: "..But...but...no one's ever...I'm so offended, yet so strangely aroused"
LAPDANCEr: "Fuckin' A. Lets hit the road, Sweetassbootycandy."
GIRL: "Great, I'll tell you all about my feelings of inadequacy on the ride home!"
[LAPDANCEr would make a remark about GIRL's weight here]
GIRL: "I'm so glad you got parole!"
Obviously the LAPDANCEr, being a sensitive guy, hadn't really served time in jail, it was just a clever ruse to make the girl believe he was a bastard and thus sleep with him. Any compassionate man would have offered support during the tragic story of the girl's mother - and, I must admit, at first it is difficult to suppress your snaggish impulses. However, through conditioning, you can get to the stage where you become an empty husk of a man...surrounded by a throng of beautiful women! Lets give women a taste of their own medicine.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-25 15:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
time for you to mentally toughen up, this should help.
Noah Chomsky? -100.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-04-11 13:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Kimbo at 2004-09-19 12:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty much makes ya laugh
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-20 01:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by AbraCadaver (user info) at 2004-07-22 12:22:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please mother my illegitimate Mexican offspring.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-07-20 14:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, that last one was a Blackadder quote.
I'd do Rowan Atkinson... In the pooper.
WHAT???
(I am female, by the way.)
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-07-20 14:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Other good ways to break up with someone-
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I picked up a book called "The History of Superglue," and I can't put it down.*
I have to de-worm my dog.
If you, me, and ^insert name of truly horrible mutual aquaintance here (preferrably of same gender as self)^ were the last three people on earth, I'd be trying to start a family with ^mutual aquaintence^.
*Think about that for a second
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-20 14:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by johnnyno (user info) at 2004-07-20 14:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice post.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Russell Crowe is fugly.
i don't agree with alot of this but it was absolutely hilarious anyways.
and sweetassbootycandy made me laugh out loud
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yar! Avast!
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2004-07-20 11:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really funny. Almost dropped it to a +1, because I hate backronyms (LAPDANCE).
I have my own theory - There are lots of women like you describe, but there are a precious few out there that hate assholes and really DO know what they want. It's just a little harder to find them. Instead of acting like an asshole to get one of these lying wishy-washy types, it's better to fail a little longer if you eventually find one of the good ones.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-07-20 10:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm suffocating myself to avoid laughing out loud at work. This was hilarious, especially the line "Oh, he really cares for me despite all the roundhouse kicks to my temple".
If I could give you +1 million for mentioning Hugh Jackman I would. He's hot. We can forgive Van Helsing purely based on that fact.
Submitted by NotGoth (user info) at 2004-07-20 10:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well written, one of the more entertaining posts on this topic.
Submitted by UrAngelDi (user info) at 2004-07-20 10:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Women will purposly choose men that "are the opposite of what they want" until they're ready to settle down....so nowadays don't be surprised if women arent true to their word till about 30.
Submitted by Charred (user info) at 2004-07-20 10:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh, he really cares for me despite all the roundhouse kicks to my temple"
Submitted by snag (user info) at 2004-07-20 09:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is with this whole South African inferiority complex in relation to us Aussies? And am I the only one who thinks Afrikaans should be made the official language of sufferers of foetal alcohol syndrome?
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-07-20 09:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. Only a +1 because you haven't really brought any new ideas (the whole "act like an asshole and girls will like you" theory is older than that mouldy tub of whatever it is in the back of my fridge), but at least you gave it a clever acronym.
That, and the writing wasn't too bad either.
Pretty good for a first post.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-20 09:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicked extreme amounts of ass.
Submitted by Sacrew (user info) at 2004-07-20 07:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sweetassbootycandy".
Damn.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-20 07:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Although this is slightly off topic, i have to point out that South Africans have the most annoying and disturbing accents ever! That said, good post +2..
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-07-20 07:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
safrican's a bitch. for a first post, this was outfuckinstanding. hell, for any post it was excellent.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-07-20 07:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hot diggedy damn! True, a very old complaint talked about ad naseum, but it was done in an interesting way that wasn't boring or monotonous. +1 for that, and another +1 for talking about Rowan Atkinson and mentioning that Hugh Jackman can play a big badass as well as the most flamboyant man I've ever seen (the Broadway play that he is in now, he sang a tune from it at the Broadway awards). Cheers mate.
Submitted by safrican (user info) at 2004-07-20 06:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Australians is kak hulle weet nie waarvan hulle praat nie, die persoon het seker die hele ding uit 'n GQ gekry en dit woord vir woord oorgetik. So julle kan maar my piel suig.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-07-20 06:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're so right.
This subject has been more often than not presented as a whiny bitching session, but I love the way that you illustrated your point.
I have a lot of morals and convictions that prevent me from referring to your LAPDANCE method (you should patent that), but I can't deny that it would work.
And besides: Look at how most of these assholes turn out in the future. Sure, they may be fucking the shit out of your girl right now, but five years down the road, they're gonna be filling your tank with gas.
Submitted by Rocket_stapler (user info) at 2004-07-20 06:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm an aussie too
Submitted by safrican (user info) at 2004-07-20 05:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I felt guilty giving a Aussie a +1
Submitted by safrican (user info) at 2004-07-20 05:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You have some of the points a bit skewed but the general synopsis not to bad.
Submitted by Rocket_stapler (user info) at 2004-07-20 05:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah man, I know what you mean. Back in highschool this girl told me that "if she was interested in dating someone it would be me". Two weeks later she was going out with someone else, someone who used her and broke her heart. Stupid bitches don't know what they want