Rednecks, Retards and Ridiculosity: My First Post (533 hits)
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Submitted by Chris Linehart <chriscutis.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-07-20 10:32:31 EDT
First off, you have to understand where I'm coming from.
Take a stereotypical hick name, say.. Duane. Add to that the typical name of a hick town, say... a burg. Add the two with a bit of the possessive and you got my hometown, Duanesburg, New York. A lot of people don't realize that there are backwater-ass hick towns outside of the "lesser" states like Montana, Georgia, and the rest of the south and midwest. But believe me, outside of cities and 'burbs, there are always toothless, inbred, lawnmower racing good ol' boys, at least in spirit.
This little tale of mine is about a party I hosted at my house in Duanesburg. I only invited some friends and told them to invite their friends. At the initial planning stage we were going to have 3 kegs, and a bunch of my college friends were coming as well as the college friends of my other high school buddies.
But, New York has ridiculous keg laws and my friends and friends' friends couldn't make it. So we settled for 5 30-racks of Beast, and most of the attendees were to be this year's graduates (My friends and I graduated in '03).
So around 8 or 9, my actual friends and me were at my house, just sitting around casually drinking beer, smoking weed, and playing some Beirut. At about 10 the throwbacks started to show up.
Their loud, obnoxious, nonsensical yells could not be mistaken; they were ready to party hard.
Now, I wanted to keep this party outside, so my house wouldn't get fucked up, I told everyone this as they showed and they all seemed cool with it...
Somewhere around midnight someone asked me for a bag of flour, and at this time I was probably my most fucked up of the night, so I found some flour and gave it to him. Bad idea.
Between around 10 when people started showing up till 1 I was just walking around making sure everything was cool and no one was being too stupid. But at 1 it all turned bad.
A bunch of people were inside and I told them to get out, and they did. I locked all the doors, intending to keep everything calm from inside, allowing only chill people to be inside, like my former fat friend who recently slimmed down and was fucking some nasty chick in my bed, but I had bigger things to worry about.
A few minutes after getting everyone unwanted out of my house, I heard some strange noises in the basement. As I went to inspect, a bunch of people came running up from the basement that I had just kicked out of the house. So I chased them down and kicked them out again, then went down into the basement and locked the doors that led outside.
A few minutes later I heard these hillbilly fucks shrieking their warcry, "WHITE P'AER!" That's white power for the hillbillyspeak impaired. I wondered what the fuck was going on now, and went upstairs to see them climbing in through the upstairs bathroom window. I kicked them out again, shut and locked the windows.
Yet a few more minutes later, they were on the roof looking for any open window through which to get in, and they did. They got in through my window, by breaking the screen and interrupting my former fat friend and the nasty bitch he was fucking. They also got in through the windows on the balcony, which I have no idea how they accomplished, that would be 20 feet of scaling a wall with no foot holds or any assistance of any kind.
So after I caught them and kicked them out yet again, I shut all the windows and locked them. Then they managed to get people already inside to unlock the doors and let them in. So I had to chase them down and kick them out so more until like 5 in the morning.
Oh yeah, the flour. You might be familiar with this thing called antiquing.
Well this kid from my grade, Dane, had made fun of this other kid, Adam, who is like 3 years our junior, for being drunk one time or some stupid shit. Dane got antiqued a couple times, and once sufficiently drunk, held down and beaten by Adam. A couple minutes later they dumped a five-gallon bucket of water on him and threw the rest of the flour on his brutalized ass too.
He ended up sleeping in the guest room of my house, getting flour all over the sheets.
But Adam was one of the kids sneaking into my house, so he and friends fucked with Dane some more. Once everyone was supposed to be crashing they decided they wanted to sleep in the same room as him.
I don't know what happened except that the light was broken in there the next day.
I got about an hour of sleep.
Morning finally came.
Dane was pissed off and wanted to get the fuck out, understandably. He got in his car and sped away, seriously denting 3 cars in the process and pissing off the owner of one to the point where he chased him.
After that little episode I walked back to the house to see the real damage of the night. The window next to my front door was busted, looked like someone punched it in. The window on my RV was apparently cracked, when Adam saw it. The following is my guess of his thought process, while at least a little bit fucked up.
"Mmm... I hates blacks peoples.. never seen one in real life.. but they bad... mmm Dane bad... me like beat Dane... mm.... Ooh a winder... crack-ed? OO-OOOH.... RaaH! DIE WINDOW DIE!!!"
That's right, the fucking moron put his head through the fucker, later got like 10 stitches.
The rest of the damage, 4 or 5 holes in the wall upstairs, the door on the shed was bashed in, and the deck outside is caked in flour. Everything else is just a matter of filth that one of my friends and I cleaned up. Including piss all over my bathroom.
So I got an estimate on the two windows and it seems it is going to cost $600 to get them replaced. I have to take care of it, or my parents have threatened calling the cops. I don't think I should pay for it, but I doubt I can get these Neanderthals to admit who did it, much less pay me.
So, this is my first post, not exactly funny, not even a punch line.
Or, maybe I'm the butt of the joke, I don't know. What I have learned from all this is that these scum-sucking, blindly hating, burger-flipping morons don't deserve any sympathy from me. If they refuse to pay I'll slash their tires, break their windows, whatever it takes. And if I ever get a chance to rid the human race of such filthy DNA, I'll gladly take it.
I hate rednecks. And they hate you.
User Reviews
Submitted by UniBrowZIT (user info) at 2004-07-20 15:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I left them unlocked so people(read: women) could go inside to use the bathroom.
And I am too big of a wimp and pussy to break their legs, besides rednecks never know when to quit, they'd keep coming at me until one of us was dead, plus they feel validated when people express hatred towards them, thats how they rationalize failing at life.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Two questions:
Why were you dumb enough to leave the doors unlocked in the first place if you didn't want people inside?
After the idiots found about four different ways to break in, why didn't you fucking break their legs?
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds familiar. Nice Wife-beater.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-20 10:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You think you live in a redneck town?
Your Town
As of the census of 2000, there are 5,808 people, 2,141 households, and 1,663 families residing in the town. The population density is 31.5/km² (81.5/mi²). There are 2,307 housing units at an average density of 12.5 persons/km² (32.4 persons/mi²). The racial makeup of the town is 97.66% White, 0.45% African American, 0.29% Native American, 0.28% Asian, 0.03% Pacific Islander, 0.28% from other races, and 1.02% from two or more races. 0.81% of the population are Hispanic or Latino of any race.
My town.
As of the census of 2000, there are 2,353 people, 869 households, and 662 families residing in the town. The population density is 27.6/km² (71.5/mi²). There are 983 housing units at an average density of 11.5/km² (29.9/mi²). The racial makeup of the town is 98.43% White, 0.17% African American, 0.34% Native American, 0.04% Asian, 0.00% Pacific Islander, 0.13% from other races, and 0.89% from two or more races. 0.21% of the population are Hispanic or Latino of any race.
We don't have any "white p'wer" folks though. Us normal civlizd rednecks ran dem out o town in nintyfowr.
Literally.
+1=entertaining.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-20 10:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-07-20 10:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-07-20 10:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice vest.
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-07-20 10:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Colorful.