Cattle prods and alcohol are like oil and water: they don't fucking mix (3557 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.87 on 66 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2004-07-20 12:30:02 EDT
I had a cousin named Ryan who lived with me for eight years. You may remember him from a previous post of mine. Before Ryan moved to DC for his post-secondary studies, he lived a year in north central Iowa. His dad was working with the Iowa Capital Investment Corporation, and as a result, he was forced to live down there.
He would always complain to me on how boring it was because his dad was always on business and his house was in the middle of bum fuck nowhere, so after pleading with my parents for days, they finally let me fly solo to visit him in the summer of '99.
One thing that everyone knows about Iowa is that it has a shit-load of farms and where Ryan lived was no exception. The city was one big farm. I immediately realized how boring this trip would really be. How wrong I was.
One afternoon Ryan and I left the house to go exploring. His television got really shitty reception so we figured it was time to explore the great outdoors that was north central Iowa.
As we walked past one of the many barns on that particular road, we saw a large man in overalls tending to a herd of cows. He had a cattle prod in his hand, and he was using it to get all the cows to go back into a small fielded area with a chain linked fence. He was having some trouble because there was like 30 cows. He looked up and saw us staring.
Man: hey you too. Ya mind givin me a hand?
Me and Ryan headed over and the man pulled out two more cattle prods out of the big front pocket of his overalls.
Man: use these. Name's Boswell. Pleasure makin ur acquaintance.
Me: yeah, you too.
With the help of three prods, Ryan, Boswell and I managed to guide the cows into the fenced area.
Boswell: you boys new around here?
Ryan: Yeah kinda. I just moved down there, and my cousin is just here on a visit.
Boswell: ah see. Not much to do around here.
Me: Yeah.
Boswell: y'all ever felt the sting of a cattle prod?
Me: what?
Boswell: when me and ma friends were youngins, we used to take a buncha cattle prods and have us a good ol' cattle prod fight. Stings like the devil but sure as shit guarantees you a good time when you're drunk as hell. How about it boys? I haven't cattle prodded since 1988.
Now readers please understand that this is a true testament to how bored we were. We were willing to cattle prod fight with some old farmer who we had known for a little over forty seconds.
Me: yeah sure.
A millisecond after the words left my mouth, Boswell jabbed, and cattle prodded me right in the stomach.
Here's another thing you have to understand. Cows weigh over 400lbs. When they getting prodded like that, it feels like a tickle, maybe a pinch at most. When a skinny ass Indian kid gets cattle prodded in his stomach, it leaves a big fucking welt.
He lunged at me again, but this time I ducked. He laughed heartily.
Boswell: stings, doesn't it boy? You two against me. Let's cattle prod.
Everyday after that, we went over to old Boswell's farm to cattle prod fight. After you got used to the welts, it got really fun. We would run around the whole farm trying to cattle prod Boswell anyway we could. Unfortunately, he was outstandingly agile and limber for such a large man. We got him here and there but he kept taking our asses to cattle prod school. Often, he would get really competitive.
"Come on you babies! Ma gramma cattle prods better than you sissies and she ain't got no legs!" he would say as he backed Ryan into a corner.
"Eat voltage old man!!" I would yell as I jumped off a hay stack and cattle prodded him in the back.
All in all it was a great week in Iowa.
On the last day of my visit, we went over to Boswell's farm for the final time. When we got there, we could immediately tell that he was drunk out of his mind.
Me: been drinking a few beers Boswell?
He hiccupped.
Boswell: only six, or seven, or fifteen I don't remember. You boys got time for one more fight?
Me: Sorry Boswell, I don't.
Boswell: well who the hell am I supposta prod fight with?
"I don't know, go fight a duck or something." I said laughing.
All of a sudden he got this really scary look on his face.
Boswell: thas a good idea boy. A real good idea. Imma fry me some duck!
Me: Boswell, I was only kidd...
He stumbled outside of the barn to where the ducks were. He had a murderous gleam in his eyes narrowed on the poor duck he wanted to cattle prod. He advanced on the mallard, and as if paralyzed with fear, the duck stood there, frozen.
I felt really bad for the duck. But we weren't about to stop a drunk as fuck farmer holding two cattle prods in his hands.
Boswell slowly lowered himself in front of the duck and got his prods ready. The duck still didn't move.
Boswell jabbed; the duck went straight for the fucking face.
With lightening fast reflexes that I did not know ducks possessed, the duck leaped off its skinny twig legs and attached itself to Boswell's mug.
I don't think that ducks have teeth; but they sure as hell have kung-fu grip with there beaks because what I saw was a 300lbs man, standing upright, with a fucking duck hanging off his nose.
Then, as if on cue, a bunch of the other ducks squawked over and started mercilessly pecking him on his legs. Boswell dropped the prods and went down like a Clinton intern.
After what seemed like ages, the duck finally let go of Boswell's nose, and he just lay there, struggling to breath, with what I assume was duck mucous dripping from his nostrils.
We took off before he could come too.
Later, Ryan told me that Boswell didn't even remember what happened, but it just goes to show: you can cattle prod a cow, you can cattle prod a human, but please don't fuck with a bunch of ducks.
User Reviews
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-11 00:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It'd take me too long to pick this apart piece by piece, but unless you live in Iowa City, Cedar Rapids, Des Moines, it's a pretty safe assumption that an Indian guy isn't going to be from around town.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-09-30 18:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice post! FYI cows weigh about 800-900 lbs, in case someone hasn't said this already
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2004-09-30 18:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I had a hard time trying not to laugh out loud in the office A++
K.o.a.A.
Submitted by Natalia_Everitt (user info) at 2004-09-21 20:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This fucking sucked!
Just kidding, I haven't laughed that hard in a long while. Brilliant post...
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-09-21 20:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit dude!
Submitted by Alithewonderllama (user info) at 2004-08-23 02:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't get why ducks are allowed to live in parks, where parents tell their innocent young "feed the cute little duckies!". Ducks are vicious, cold blooded peckers!
Submitted by Wietze <wietzeoenema.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-08-18 15:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Eat voltage old man!!"
I broke something inside me laughing at that part. brilliant superhero type phrasing.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-23 09:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-21 15:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by johnnyno (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:21:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't fuck with the ducks.
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-07-21 14:45:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's 'MOE' like it.
Submitted by js.rules (user info) at 2004-07-21 10:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-07-21 09:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is a belter!!!
Submitted by UniBrowZIT (user info) at 2004-07-21 09:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hi-larious.
Submitted by rainman (user info) at 2004-07-21 09:09:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellente
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-07-21 05:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-07-21 05:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just... that... OUTSTANDING!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-07-21 04:58:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh that was just fucking gold...
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-20 23:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are quickly making a name for yourself mdear! (It's a good one though)
Submitted by me at 2004-07-20 20:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excuse me for a moment...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
...okay sorry. That was a good one.
Submitted by Big Al at 2004-07-20 20:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's great! Serves him right though.... Comicbookguy, you write some good stuff!
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-07-20 20:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-07-20 19:59:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicked all nine flavors of ass.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-07-20 19:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, you fuckin rock.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-07-20 18:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. Keep up being this awesome and i'll have no alternative but to kill you.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-07-20 17:40:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No sinister picture of a duck? Still, awesome story.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-20 17:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-07-20 16:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit!
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-20 15:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by poochie (user info) at 2004-07-20 14:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-07-20 14:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comicbookguy, you are truly destined for greatness.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-20 14:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well this will certainly come in handy!
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-07-20 14:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus man, this is funny shit. Who cares if some of it is "stretched". :)
I agree to the evil ducks, but geese can be a bit worse. Those little buggers will pinch the fuck out of kids' nutsacks.
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is just stupid. I doubt you've ever seen cattle first hand or travelled the midwest.
-2 for bullshit
+2 for a funny story anyway
Submitted by Random B at 2004-07-20 13:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:45:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
This is pure bullshit. I lived in Iowa, people dont talk like that, most farms are several miles apart, you can't just happen upon one walking down the road, and farmers have too much shit to get done during the day then to engage in a stupid cattle prod fight with 2 random teenagers. Also, cows are over 1000 lbs, some bulls get up to 2000.
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Shut the fuck up the shit was funny! Get a live . . .Loser boy!
Submitted by Random B at 2004-07-20 13:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Fuckin HAAA!
Submitted by calculations (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NICE
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is pure bullshit. I lived in Iowa, people dont talk like that, most farms are several miles apart, you can't just happen upon one walking down the road, and farmers have too much shit to get done during the day then to engage in a stupid cattle prod fight with 2 random teenagers. Also, cows are over 1000 lbs, some bulls get up to 2000.
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He was a lonely farmer okay? Do you have any idea what it's like to be lonely, Mr. Popular? Those fields can get mighty quiet. He was a poor farmer, starved for attention, and just wanting to relive the glory of his cattle prodding days. If helping him was wrong, then I don't want to be right.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My uncle was playing a fun game with my aunt where he would tag her leg and then hit the cattle prod. He was just teasing her and it was all in good fun until he mistimed it and nailed her with the thing. She slapped the every loving shit out of him. My dad helped out by laughing hysterically.
ah family together time
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God DAMN! I love you, comicbookguy. Come to Boston. I'll give you a little pickle tickle.
WHAT?
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:32:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kite fighting, cattle proding anything you don't do?
Once again good times for all.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Natsukau is just mad because he has no one to cattle-prod fight with.
(also he was gang raped by a herd of buffalos)
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, now I want to cattle prod fight.
Submitted by Valacosa (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Not bad, but the whole duck part just seems to ridiculous to be true. "
No way man - I've been chased by ducks before. They can be nasty.
Great post.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, but the whole duck part just seems to ridiculous to be true.
Submitted by johnnyno (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:21:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't fuck with the ducks.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:45:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
This is pure bullshit. I lived in Iowa, people dont talk like that, most farms are several miles apart, you can't just happen upon one walking down the road, and farmers have too much shit to get done during the day then to engage in a stupid cattle prod fight with 2 random teenagers. Also, cows are over 1000 lbs, some bulls get up to 2000.
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i bet you screwed goats in iowa
shut up this was funny as hell
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Eat voltage old man!!"
Faaaaaaantastic.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Confuzius (user info) at 2004-07-20 13:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why are cows so funny?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have got your kite after him.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish this +2 counted to counteract natsukau
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who the fuck cares if it is bullshit or not? It's funny as hell.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:33:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Boswell dropped the prods and went down like a Clinton intern."
Best line ever.
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agreed i laughed my ass off when i read that.
job well done as usual
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please don't ever stop writing on Ubersite. You bring so much quality. This was awesome.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woot.
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is pure bullshit. I lived in Iowa, people dont talk like that, most farms are several miles apart, you can't just happen upon one walking down the road, and farmers have too much shit to get done during the day then to engage in a stupid cattle prod fight with 2 random teenagers. Also, cows are over 1000 lbs, some bulls get up to 2000.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAD MUNKEY!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha!!!
oooh what mischevious things I could do with a cattle prod!!
Submitted by Shaxberd (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any farmer worth a crap should know how evil ducks are and how foolish it is to fuck with them. They look stupid, but it's a trick. Plus they attack in swarms. A place I used to live surrounded a pond with ducks living around it. They didn't take any shit from college kids, I'll tell you that for nothing.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Things just keep on getting better!
Getting better...
all the time!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is, by far the FUNNIEST thing I have read all week. Don't mess with the ducks man!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-20 12:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good, but proof-read!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-20 12:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Boswell dropped the prods and went down like a Clinton intern."
Best line ever.