The Nap Jerk... Can You Explain This? (817 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.5 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TripinDayZ (View user info) at 2004-07-20 18:40:48 EDT
I posted this as one of my first few, months ago. I have been gone for awhile and am just kinda testing the waters to see who is still around(that's worth a shit). Maybe you like? Maybe you don't. Anyway, I'm back.
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Study hall is an excruciatingly long hour. Couple this with the fact that it is seventh period AND school lets out in 2 weeks. This will give you the formula ( SH1+7/.02 = FUCKING FOREVER).
There are a myriad of things to do while pissing away the time.
Some prefer to actually do shit. Not me.
Some prefer to write love letters to whoever they are "going with" (where?) at the time. Not me.
Some prefer to play paper football, tic tac toe, or some other game invented the brilliant minds of prison.
Not me.
My thing is people watching. I love it. It's not really a fetish I don't think cause it doesn't arouse me sexually or anything. I don't know how to explain it, I love trying to figure out what fucked up inane line of bullshit dialogue these people have going through their head (cause we all got it). Guess I've seen too much MST3K... oh well. Tom Servo kicks ass.
So here I am, gazing from person to person. I have my cast. The hot bitch in the back that looks like she might slit your throat after she gives you the best blowjob you've ever had (some days she looks worth the risk). The role-playing game guru nerd: feverishly trying to draw a pornographic version of pikachu sucking off Optimus Prime. And, of course the obligatory stoner who would set off the drug dogs if he farted in an airport.
Nothing really major going on today here in Fuckingboring 101. That is until the stoner begins to put his head down. This is excellent for two reasons: 1. This dude snores like a Czech hooker (don't ask me how I know that) and... 2. He talks in his sleep, thereby verbalizing the "inane line of bullshit dialogue" fluttering in his head like a halogen light desperately trying to warm up.
I can almost see the dream he's having...
"Yeah, yeah! Let's put some of that shit in... no not that you sick fuck... oh shit dude this shits the shit! What else we got? Yeah, yeah put that shit in there! I don't know why they don't just MAKE peanut butter and cheese Ramen Noodles..."
Almost as soon as it began it stops. Silence. I lean over a bit to make sure he isn't just too quiet for me and notice his breathing has changed. No longer is it the slow, rhythmic draw that it was while I was getting a preview of Martha Stewart Omnimedia's new Chief Creative Officer. It is much more shallow now, jerkier.
That is when it happened. One of the funniest things I have seen in my life. (I don't know if all the readers will be familiar with the "nap jerk" but if you are not, I don't really care if you like this story.) If this NJ were a flood we would have needed an ark. If this NJ were a football game it would have been the Superbowl... you get the picture, this thing was huge. Allow me to paint a picture if you will...
He is sitting one table over from me with the sun beating down on his black AC/DC shirt (no doubtedly acquired by masterfully casting a dart at a wall while attending the state fair) causing the nest of black hair to glisten where it attaches to the neck. Arms are crossed with his forehead, growing more and more slippery as the heat rises, resting on his folded arms. I wouldn't say he weighed more than 125 but stood all of 6'4". Aint meth grand! As I am leaning back from my breath inspection he makes one huge gasp, lifts his head about 8-9 inches off the table, screams out GRATED!!!!, then slams his head back down, completely missing his arms and hitting the table like a sack of lead THUD THUd THud Thud thud (echo).
Silence. Stony looks around to see if anyone noticed, takes a deep breath, kind of shakes his head then just as he is about to lay it down again he catches my eye. I was the only one that noticed. This very well could have been one of those awkward moments but i just gave him the "yeah man i been there" nod and life moved on.
No matter how pissed i am, all I have to do is remember the look on that sleep-grooved, drool laden face just as he realized what the fuck just happened and I laugh.
This very well could have been one of those had to be there moments but im banking on it being a that happened to me before kind of affair.
We'll see.... For the regulars, this is my first attempt at a post, go easy on me... haven't written in a while.
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Yeah, long time ago...
By the way, how's everyone doin?*
*Disclaimer: This general act of giving a shit does not apply to Fat Tony as he is, and always will be, a boil on the ass of life. Fuck you, still. http://www.ubersite.com/m/33089
User Reviews
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-07-21 18:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry about the lack of communication guys. between training someone new to do my old job and the training im innow to do my new one, the only time i've had to be here was once we finally got connected at home, which we are now.
work is stressing the shit out of me so i don't have much energy to do the uber thing as of now but i did want to let those of you who gave a shit that i was ok and will be back in full form shortly (hopefully)
oh yeah, and shark? i hope you meant that in the most masculine way possible. :c) good to hear from ya bro..
gimme a few more days or so to get settled and i will be gracing the pages of uber with more shit from the recesses of my mind.
appreciate the support...
and, just maybe, ill back of fat tony for a bit.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-07-21 10:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Trip where the fuck have you been?
I have been worried sick.
Asshole.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-07-21 08:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-21 08:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that we all have been there.
Good to hear from ya. You set up in the new location yet?
Go easy on FatTony. Check out his latest series, it's quite unexpected from him.
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2004-07-20 23:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
haha i read this, failed to read the first part about you posting this a few months ago and was like "what the fuck, this guy copies some dude's good post and people love it?! fuck him!"
but seriously, i liked it the first time and i still enjoy it
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-07-20 23:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what school is this
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-20 23:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
sucks when that happens.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-07-20 21:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks cbg... your posts are of great quality... i am starting a kill fat tony petition for those who would wish to sign... simply put "kftp - yes or no"
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-20 19:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome. I feel the same way.
welcome back. I'm comicbookguy. Your vomit post was kickass
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-07-20 19:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once I fall asleep and am sleeping pretty hard, I will usually do something similiar.
I have had more than a few friends tell me I will either sit up and sing a line of a song
or kick a leg straight out. The thing is, I am usually high right before I fall asleep...could be some connection.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-20 19:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know I love you.
"You're my boy Blue!! YOU'RE MY BOY!"
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-07-20 18:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
danny, something tells me your the ass in the back of the classroom in highschool that reminded the teacher she forgot to give out homework for the weekend...
quit being so goddamn literal.
Submitted by DannyVermin (user info) at 2004-07-20 18:48:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice descriptive setup, but how does he lift his head up and scream, and you're the only one who noticed???