I was sexually assaulted by a 47 year old, part 1 (2878 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.79 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by reallybored (View user info) at 2004-07-21 11:11:02 EDT
Normally when it comes to taking advantage of the opposite sex I'm the one who's usually doing the taking. I mean shit; my first rule of drinking is to get the girls drunk first. I didn't come up with that idea because I wanted 4am drunk heart to heart talks, it was for 4am mouth to penis. Her mouth to my penis. Unfortunately karma has a way with coming back to kick you in the ass, and yesterday was the day when my ass was kicked.
So a bunch of us decided to get some after work cocktails at this marina/bar/restaurant place down the road. One of the people I hang out with (UltraFemale, from another post) goes there a lot and knows a bunch of people. She says it's a good crowd, and off we went.
Of the course of the next few hours nothing really interesting happened besides $1.50 miller lite drafts and conch fritters. That was until she arrived....
Her name was Mary. She was a 47 year old office manager from UltraFemale's work. At first glance one would think she just a nice old lady. The type of gal with two kids in college and a husband at home. You could then surmise that she would probably stick around for one chick drink (a cosmo, or maybe some fruity crap) feel a little tipsy, and drive home to hubby.
So you can understand my surprise when Mary's first drink was not a cosmo or some fruity crap, it wasn't even a long island ice tea. No no no, this lady was fucking around. She ordered a Jack on the rocks with a splash of water.
Now for those people out there that don't know much about alcohol and drinking, let my 'splain. Whiskey on the rocks is not something you go ordering at 7 pm on a Tuesday. Unless you're a biker or a college student on spring break. Whiskey on the rocks is a badass drink. It's the type of drink that should come with a lawyer's phone number and bail money. It's certainly not the type of drink a nice older woman should be ordering.
Needless to say Mary did order it and whole other slew of drinks that night. Gin and tonics, martinis, and even a scotch and soda for a good measure. Basically she ordered ever type of drink I would never take a second look at for fear of ending up naked in a ditch.
Over the span of two hours Mary drank like this, and she went from nice to nasty. It was also during these two hours that we learned a great deal about her, such as:
Mary was not married, nor had any children.
Mary lost her virginity at age 15 to her neighbor, on a dare.
Mary once got so drunk during college that she kissed and did "other stuff" with a girl she knew from one of her classes.
Mary believes young men should date older women, who have more experience.
Mary at 47 was still very much in her sexual prime.
Mary thought I have a nice butt.
After sharing that last tidbit of information our older friend left the table to go powder her nose. She returned about 5 minutes later and instead of taking her old chair next to UltraFemale, she sat next to me.
This is where the night started to get bad.
User Reviews
Submitted by Smooth_Shoes (user info) at 2006-02-24 07:18:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff, looking forward to part 2!!
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-02-24 06:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey u know what they say ... Any hole`s a Gole!! He he
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-12-06 00:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
did she have big hooters?
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2005-12-06 00:29:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:31:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's the type of drink that should come with a lawyer's phone number and bail money.
Yes
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I'm sorry, but that line is from a Dave Attell standup
Submitted by podium (user info) at 2005-03-22 17:03:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maryjane (user info) at 2004-08-04 19:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-22 11:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that bitch is a freak - part 2 i await
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-07-22 11:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit... those eyes...
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-07-21 19:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd hit that.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet he hit it.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-07-21 16:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bring on Part 2...
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-07-21 15:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm giving this a one in retrospect. It was half a story.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-07-21 15:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow now.
Submitted by Shenanigans (user info) at 2004-07-21 14:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But it was funny.
Submitted by Shenanigans (user info) at 2004-07-21 14:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I call myself on this one.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-07-21 14:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You better have gotten her...
...in the pooper.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-07-21 14:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Throw Mary my way. I'll give her a dose that will make her think she was a virgin.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-21 14:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-07-21 13:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HIT THAT SHIT!
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-07-21 13:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Zoink!
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-07-21 13:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you for making it serialized, reallybored! Damn you to Heeellllllll......!
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-07-21 13:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack on Jewels, that's my drink too. Mary would like me.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-21 13:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this directly after reading comicbookguy's post about granny nudity. Am I seeing a new trend emerge??
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-21 13:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my...
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-21 13:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you didn't shag her, I'm not reading the rest
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-07-21 12:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to give a +1 cause I hate stories in more than one part...and not much happenend in this part at all...but htis line is great.
"Whiskey on the rocks is a badass drink. It's the type of drink that should come with a lawyer's phone number and bail money"
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-07-21 12:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by p0ny_feeder (user info) at 2004-07-21 12:21:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a bleedin' liar! No woman takes advantage of a bloke.... Not really do they... Come on
Just hurry up and try and prove me wrong
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-21 12:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:20:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you specified, "Her mouth to my penis." Otherwise, I cerainly would've asked.
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hahaha Jared, you took the words right out of my mouth!
Go Mary for hitting on younger guys!! Get down wit your bad self!
Submitted by dudette (user info) at 2004-07-21 12:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mooooooooore!!!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-21 12:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:48:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
why did you cut it short?
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It was getting long, and i know most people here don't read anything over a page anyway. Plus im hungover a bit and my writing is getting really sloppy. I have most of it written, and this way tommorrow when im fresh i can spruce it up a bit.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-07-21 12:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only things wrong with her drink were the splash of water and ordering Jack instead of Maker's Mark.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why did you cut it short?
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoray!
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's the type of drink that should come with a lawyer's phone number and bail money.
Yes
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I drink whiskey on the rocks. Jameson preferrably. mmmm.
good story, keep that shit comin.
-BongZilla
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. She's older than my mom...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is something somewhat evil, almost troll-like, about that woman in the picture.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know my mom lived in Florida.
What?
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats not a pic of her. I looked up "taken advantage of" in google and that pic came up and i thought it fit. She doesn't really look like that except for the eyes. They bug out a bit later in the story....
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and I was hoping it would be a 47 year old man.
What?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you specified, "Her mouth to my penis." Otherwise, I cerainly would've asked.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sex her up
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe you left me hanging.
Is that picture of her?
Hurry with the rest dammit!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ut-oh...
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Part 2 now.
I want to know how RB handles this.