Old Home Movies: Sideburns' Family Reunion-- Southern Hospitality At Its Finest (2285 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.93 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-07-21 17:17:56 EDT
A couple months ago, I went to another one of those events that nobody wants to go to-- but everybody acts like they're happier than hell to be there.
A family reunion.
Although I was born in New York, I was raised most of my life in the south. I'm sure you have at least one person in your family whom you'd rather not show up with in public or whom you'd not claim to be related to, right? Well, I've got about 50 of those.
This year's family reunion was held at my Aunt Tammie's new place. She never told us what it looked like, but from the way she described it, it was very fancy-- especially for her.
"Yeah, I got me a new place, y'all! It's all fancy 'n shit. I gots my own place and my own land. I gots me a brand new car and I even got a pool. We gotta have the family reunion over here!"
When I pulled into the address, I was a little let down as far as what I had hoped for. She said she had a new car. I saw her old Trans Am sitting on blocks in the front yard-- along with all her old furniture, a couple bowling balls and several milk crates. When I pulled further into the driveway, I saw her new home.
A 1986 model trailer. She had the wheels taken off and that fake plastic 'rock' looking panel placed along the under skirt of it. In the south, if you have the wheels taken off a trailer, it's officially a house. I continued looking for her ''new car''. Then I saw it. Parked beside the brand new home was-- A 1990 Firebird.
Once again, southern rules apply here. If it's 1990 or up, it's brand new to us. It's considered top of the line if it has a cd player, an air conditioner, and no cracks in the windows. When Aunt Tammie was giving me a tour of the new car, she was most excited about the spare tire.
The actual reunion itself isn't so bad. We've got about 30 or so rednecks-- which means everyone brings a dish, which means southern food. I love me some southern food. As I scanned the table, I noticed a pattern of dishes--
green beans
macaroni and cheese
chicken
green beans
mashed potatos
green beans
corn bread
green beans
scalloped potatos
green beans mixed with scalloped potatos.
I guess it never occured to everyone that someone else might be making green beans to bring.
As I filled my plate with food, my uncle Gary was busy loading up his plate. He's pretty normal except for his made-up stories and the fact that he can't read. He tries to hide it by passing everything off as a foreign language...
"Justin, man. Can you tell me what that drink bottle says? I don't read that spanish bullshit. Them damn Mexicans come in here and try to take over American shit. Know what I mean? I can't read Mexican bullsheeyit. Wuzzit say?"
"It says 'Coca-Cola', Gary."
During the dinner, it looked like a huge trucker convention. I had never seen so many trucker hats on a table in my life. I looked around looking for someone to relate to-- someone not so.... southern. I decided that nobody was interested in talking me. Most held a grudge against me ever since I "show off by graduating highschool and getting all educated 'n stuff."
I decided to go for a dip in my aunt's new pool. "Hey Aunt Tammie, where's the pool at?"
"Hun, it's out back. Go enjoy yourself sweetie."
"Great!"
As I headed out back, she blurted out..
"Lemme get the pump, you gotta blow it up."
....Gotta love 'em.
-Sideburns
![beans[1].jpg (89 kB)](http://stuff.ubersite.com/109044467683801678/1/beans[1].jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-09-30 12:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My relatives down south make fun of my Canadian accent and they call me a lumberjack.
I'm NOT a lumberack and I DON'T live in an igloo!
I AM CANADIAN!
how is this relevent again? damn it...
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-08-27 01:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least yours wasn't "we gots a slide that runs (trash bags stapled together) down into the (rocks before) the creek (neighboorhoood gutter/sewer backup drain flow). yall go have fun.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-07-31 21:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yes, this definitely sounds familiar.
Also, we have green beans about twice a week at my house. You have to put bacon grease in them or they suck.
F.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-07-31 21:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by genocidic001 (user info) at 2004-07-23 20:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know EXACTLY what you mean.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-07-23 19:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another gem!
Sorry, but your stories are so good you may not get a job when you are healed. See Loki's review below...all you need is your Uber family. Loki will rebreak your leg if you get a job and do not post stories
Submitted by NavyJester (user info) at 2004-07-23 12:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A, Sideburns! I LOVE these home-movie stories! Keep 'em coming!
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-23 12:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't read the post
mmm...greeeeenbeanssss
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-07-23 11:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh...
Submitted by emily (user info) at 2004-07-22 15:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a family picnic like that recently, except everyone brought potato salad. I think potato salad is probably the Indiana hick version of green beans.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-22 00:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-22 00:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
green beans
macaroni and cheese
chicken
green beans
mashed potatos
green beans
corn bread
green beans
scalloped potatos
green beans mixed with scalloped potatos.
Oh shit we have got a dinner party type thing for twenty plus people happening this weekend where everyone is bringing a dish.
This is a bad premonition!
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-21 23:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic burnsy.
Mmmm mmm good.
Submitted by Tex (user info) at 2004-07-21 21:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-07-21 21:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Family Reunion posts are all the rage.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/38473
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-21 20:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A trailer, a car, AND a pool? Whoo whee, that sure is somethin.
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-07-21 19:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's 'MOE' like it.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-21 18:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kickass story
Submitted by Sexual_Hobbit (user info) at 2004-07-21 18:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
danm you have the best stories! keep it up, i wish i had stories as good as yours.....
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-07-21 18:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
..the BEST kind of Mac n' Cheese is BAKED.
At every family gathering of mine, you will find at least 3 dishes of it.
It's my fave. :)
And, of course, green beans are a must.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I love green beans
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
things are good. keep up the writting.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:28:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
You also must make sure it's in a fancy dish, Loki.
At my reunions, everyone decides how important or successful you are by how fancy your dish is.
________________________
I have a very southern family, and when I was younger I could always tell what type of day it was going to be by the potato salad container.
Glass Bowl, the cousins from DC were visiting
Tupperware, death, reunion, birth, weddin'
Cool Whip Dish (you know the kind the tub is blue but the top is from a red cool whip) or Family Size Butter Tub, car fixin', roof repair, field mowin', or some other manly activity.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Phinch:
There's a construction/engineering job that I'm supposed to be getting 'hooked up with' supposedly. As soon as I'm able to get this cast off and walk, I should be back on my feet. Thanks for asking. --Hey, I just made a joke. Should be back on my feet... heh.
How are things going for you?
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you've been sparse around here. good to see you are back.
hows the job search?
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
har har, do they fuck their sisters and brothers too?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You also must make sure it's in a fancy dish, Loki.
At my reunions, everyone decides how important or successful you are by how fancy your dish is.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and everyone knows that you have to put onion rings out of a can on top of green beans and mix in a can of mushroom soup for a family reunion. That makes them fancy.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought we had all decided that you were to have no more contact with your birth family. Über is all you need now.
There is oil on my family's land. I get exactly none of the money, but all the farmer people who live down there are rich. Have you ever seen a redneck with money? It's not kewl, not kewl at all. They all have monster trucks that they insist on putting those club things on even though they are out in the middle of fucking nowhere. Please Jesus make my grandparents live forever so I don't have to go down there anytime soon.
Submitted by CampJim176 (user info) at 2004-07-21 17:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was also born in New York and then Raised North Carolina...and It was pretty funny to hear that some of the things u were saying HIT HOME EXACTLY...Dude..the thing about green beans is SO True..some of my family is OBSESSED...they use them like fucking Katchup and put it on EVERYTHING...