Never Drink and Shit (906 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.3 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nowaycj (View user info) at 2004-07-22 18:24:36 EDT
A while back, me and my girlfriend went to visit my parents and stayed at their townhouse for the weekend. On Saturday night, after everyone had already gone to bed, we decided to head to the nearby pub for a few drinks. Too many drinks later and I could barely see straight. "I think we sshhould prolly head home sssooon" I slurred to her.
Walking back home, I fell down no less than three times trying walk straight. The last time getting back up was when it hit me. A slow, steady churn in my stomach could mean only one thing. I started to hold my stomach and my girlfriend thought I was going puke. "Ssshit" I told her and she gave me the "too much information" scowl.
We proceeded to speed walk the rest of the way home as I clenched my butt cheeks to inhibit the inevitable. Finally we got to the townhouse and I immediately headed for the bathroom to take the shit that only a night of drinking can provide. Sitting on the toilet, I couldn't believe how drunk I actually was, wavering from side to side, trying to keep myself upright.
When I was done, my girlfriend was already asleep, or at least pretending to be. After a few vain attempts to sexually arouse and wake her, I retired, defeated. The next morning I rose, feeling better than I should after a night of drinking. Luckily I rarely get hangovers.
I got downstairs and I knew something was wrong. My parents were standing around drinking their coffee with my Aunt, who was also in town for the weekend. The silence was unnerving as they slowly sipped. Finally, my Dad asked "Have a good night?"
"Yeah, pretty good" I replied. Then, he dropped the bomb. "It must have been pretty good if you couldn't even shit in the toilet." I nearly spit up my coffee at this comment.
"What??" I replied, still trying to recover from the shock.
"You need to clean up where you shit on the floor." He said. My mother and my aunt both stayed silent with a disapproving look on your face.
I didn't shit on the floor, did I? "I didn't go to the bathroom on the floor" I told him, exasperated.
"Don't give me that. You got drunk and couldn't even aim straight. Get to cleaning."
By now, I'm shocked that they believed I would shit on the floor. "I swear I didn't do it" I told them as I was on the verge of tears. They didn't respond. I broke down.
I opened the bathroom door and it wreaked. Not the smell of a normal shit, but one that you take after eating rotten food for a week. That's when I saw it. This turd was the nastiest thing I had ever seen, and I had to clean it.
Half an hour and five dry heaves later, I was done. Walking back up to the room where I was staying, I noticed my girlfriend was in a bad mood. "Don't tell me you think I shit on the floor, too?" I questioned her.
"Oh, let me guess, Skippy the dog did it?" She smirked. "You were so drunk last night, you couldn't even walk straight getting home." She then got up and walked out.
Fucking great. They even have my girlfriend convinced. Hell, by this time, I was almost convinced I shit on the floor. God, I must have been drunk.
As I laid there, I felt ridiculously stupid. I've done some really dumb things after nights of drinking (see: screwing ugly chicks and getting thrown in jail) but this had to take the cake. That's about the time my aunt walked in. Great, I thought, more grief.
"I'm sorry, Colin. I had a little accident last night." She said, then proceeded to nonchalantly walk back downstairs while I picked my jaw up off the floor.
User Reviews
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-20 01:54:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-07-23 19:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile
Submitted by Robot9598 (user info) at 2004-07-23 09:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-07-23 05:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow just... Wow.
Submitted by Punk-not-dead (user info) at 2004-07-23 05:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-23 05:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Time to push SOMEONE down the stairs...
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-23 04:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves a big WHAT THE FUCK!?
Totally didn't see that coming.
Submitted by ObviousMan (user info) at 2004-07-22 23:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hehe amusing
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-07-22 22:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You did verbally berate your folks, eh?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-22 22:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's pretty fucking funny.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-22 18:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.revulsion.net/uploads/photo105.jpg
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-07-22 18:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you kidding?
Is this a true story - your Aunt shit up the bathroom?