Stranger in a Strange Land: This Place Smells Bad.(Welcome to Changi Airport, Ma'am. Enjoy your stay.) (1118 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.77 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-07-23 13:47:27 EDT
***Disclaimer: I am sure that Singapore is a lovely, lovely place. This is based on my impressions of an overcrowded terminal when I was away from Australia for the first time in my life and afraid and tired and stuff. So there. Also, Singapore Airlines kicks ass.***
The third thing that hit me about Changi Airport was the sheer size of the place. It's really very big (at least, compared to Perth, which consists of a runway and a man who sells ducks. Planes there are caught on a 'Hey look! One is landing! Run before it gets away!' basis. It's all very exciting. It might be a twin engine Cessna. It might be a Boeing 747. You never know.. it depends largely on who just ran out of fuel.)
The second thing was the overwhelming number of shifty looking people. You know the ones I mean - they looked at me sideways a lot and kept chattering in some secret code. (Another language, my ass. The only reason to do that is so that I can't understand you.) Also, they stared at my engagement ring with alarming frequency. I'd been there fifteen minutes before I turned the stone inwards.
The first thing that hit me, that overwhelmed me the moment I stepped off the plane, was the smell. The stench. The miasma of mould and damp that surrounded me and crept into my pores. For the true Changi experience, put a load of washing in the machine. Wash it and leave it there for a couple of days. In warm weather. Then open the lid, lean in, and inhale that Changi scent. Mmm-mmm, good.
I found out an interesting thing about myself. I'm a brilliant navigator, but in one very selective way. I couldn't find my departure gate. I couldn't find the help desk. I couldn't find the bathroom. I did, however, within three minutes, locate the euphemistically named 'Smoking Room'. (Also known as 'Bit of Runway with Three Foot High Wall Around It.' Dear God, I wish I was kidding.)
I also found out something interesting about inertia and its effect on, well, me. Put another way; no matter how tired you are, how lost, how distracted by the scent of coffee and wishing you had Singapore money so that you could buy a latte (I found out on my way home again that you can pay with Aussie dollars... fuck) stop walking before you get to the end of those moving walkways. I'm sure the smart, well travelled people already know this. For the morons like me.. stop walking. Seriously, badness will ensue otherwise. (In the form of tripping and stumbling and then looking around you, with that bimbo 'deer in headlights' look, until you notice the shifty looking men snickering at you. The only problem with being a redhead? Lucille Ball resemblances are far too fucking common.)
I wish I'd taken the time to find out that I could buy coffee with my Australian money. If I had, I could have hidden in a corner with my bad latte and questionable food-like products and NOT spent my time reading fucking Uberposts on those free internet terminals out of sheer mind numbing boredom. Oh, and by the way.. shame on you people. There is a new benchmark for Uberposts. I call it the Changi test. Ask yourself "If I was tired and hungry and being looked at covetously by scary men in a smelly airport, would this post entertain/amuse/enrage me enough to distract me?" If the answer is no, don't post it. Please. You people almost reduced me to tears. And another thing: NSFW is important. REALLY important. Honestly, I can't overstate it. There is a little old Dutch woman who had the bad fortune to be behind me, looking in the direction of the screen, and will never recover.
Having realised that there is no storyline or plot to this post, I'll end it with a pretty picture I defiled.
User Reviews
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 18:39:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I rember reading this, just never rated it.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-15 02:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har. But i still love Changi airport.
Submitted by Ancius (user info) at 2004-09-06 10:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I actually quite like Singapore airport. Especially the air conditioning. Only noticable when you want a cigarette and the first place you find is an outside bar.
"lovely" you think, "have a nice drink and a cigarette in the sun"
and then you walk out into a solid wall of wet heat and nearly die of suffocation.
smoking? bollocks!
gives you a whole new appreciation for air conditioned airports.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-09-06 10:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Before coming to Prague I had to stop in Heathrow for a three hour layover. Heathrow is nice, and incredibly large, but one thing really pissed me off when I was boarding for my flight to Prague.
You see, in Heathrow the Terminal number is teh only thing you know until half an hour before the flight, and since there are dozens of Gates in each Terminal, you just wait in the main lobby/food court waiting for your number to come up. Then you go to the gate and board your plane.
Now unfortunately when I was waiting for my flight, the gate number didn't come up until 15 minutes before the flight was meant to leave, meaning that pre-boarding (earlier boarding for people with children) was impossible, and everythign was rushed. Because of this, a British man with two children and a pregnant (I think) wife was accosted by the lady at the gatwe checking tickets, creating a 10 minute delay, and creating a lot of English-accented noise.
This system sucks: tell me my gate number in advance.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-09-06 10:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44150
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-09-06 10:29:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was in Changi Airport not 48 hours ago.
I feel your pain, and all I had to look forward to was a 13hour flight back tot he UK seated next to some enormous russian bloke. Joy.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-07-24 14:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think those three occurrences of the word "fuck" in your post would qualify you for 30 strokes of the cane the next time you go back to Singapore. Please make sure you've got a webcam running for the occasion?
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-07-24 08:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh...
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-23 22:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Miasma.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-07-23 19:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-07-23 17:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Travelling can be so much fun!
Submitted by Uptown_Alexa (user info) at 2004-07-23 17:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Goo. That really blows. If there is one thing I hate it's when nasty, old, ugly, looking men stare.
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-07-23 17:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard you get caned for farting in Singapore. Is this true?
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-07-23 14:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate those moving floorway things. I fell on one once and everyone looked at me and laughed. Then some fat guy fell and everyone laughed. Yup...good day, that.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-07-23 14:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-23 14:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-23 13:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Singapore.
"Have a nice day... or pay fine."
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-07-23 13:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha that sucks.
The shifty men probably just wanted some fire bush.