Shut Up and Get Out (1377 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.82 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-07-24 09:22:34 EDT
I hate being told how to drive. Absolutely fucking hate it. My instinctive response to "We need to turn right, so indicate now and I'll tell you when it's clear to merge" is to swerve across three lanes, come to a sceaming halt on the shoulder, and intone in the voice of Satan's pet bitch "Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Car." I've lost more boyfriends this way than any other; it's hard to maintain a loving, giving relationship when he's walking home and I'm packing his stuff into a box.
I hired a car in Holland. Well, my fiance hired a car. He doesn't drive, and doesn't need to, so the driving was my job. We drive on the left here, they drive on the right. All the road signs are written in fucking Dutch. The roads are narrow and bikes have right of way and it's always fucking raining. I was.. a little nervous.
------------------
The woman at the car hire place gives me a big sunny smile and the keys to this tiny, gleaming, brand new Festiva.
"It only has three hundred kilometres on the clock, so be careful with it, okay?"
"Uhhh... yeah. I'll do that." (No, you dumbass broad, I'm gonna wrap it around a tree on purpose and laugh the whole time. I'm just that stupid.)
We get in the car and I stare at the wrongness of it. The steering wheel is on the wrong side. I'm going to have to smoke with my left hand. And fidget with the stereo with my right. And.. oh, god... the rearview mirror is not in the place my eyes flick to automatically. I turn to my beloved in a rare state of near panic.
"You have to help me, okay? Watch what I'm doing and tell me what to do next." (Stupid. Stupid, stupid girl.)
He smiles. "Sure, honey. I'll pay attention." (Cunt. He was loving this new fragile me, I could tell.)
Three hours later and I'm getting into the swing of it. This is easy enough.
"Turn left up here."
"No problem."
"So... you'll want to get into the left hand lane."
"....... I know that. Turning left requires left hand laneage. We turn left in Australia, too."
"You did ask me to help."
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I love you, honey."
"I love you, too."
We turn left.
"You have to merge now because it's becoming one lane."
"Oh, okay."
"So you'll need to put on your indicator."
"Yep."
"To merge left."
"Uh-huh."
"Into the left hand lane."
"You don't fucking say? Really? Because the arrows are in Dutch. Dutch arrows are so different to other arrows."
"... You asked. I'm helping."
"Yeah, whatever."
"I don't appreciate your tone, you know. I'm not criticising you."
Silence ensued.
"Sorry."
"It's okay."
"Don't try and overtake along here. That solid white line means it's not safe."
"................"
"Did you hear me, honey?"
"................"
"That's what the line means. I'm just telling you, in case you didn't know."
"I FUCKING KNOW WHAT A FUCKING WHITE FUCKING LINE MEANS YOU DUTCH CUNT!!!"
"Ahhh. Well, now I know. Thank you for telling me so calmly."
"..............."
He very carefully turns the radio up.
Later that night, in bed:
"I'm sorry I shouted at you today."
"Are you?"
"....Mostly."
"Aaah."
"It's just... you were telling me stuff I already knew!"
"Yeah. Thing is, I don't know what you know. A simple 'okay' would have done."
".... I'll remember. I love you."
"I love you too."
[Censored make-up sex]
Next day:
"That red light means stop."
"Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Car."
We took the train a lot after that.
------------------------
Things I learned about driving in Holland:
-You can't overtake on the right, no matter how many lanes there are.
-A speed limit of 120kmph apparently means "Drive fast enough to run the tourist off the road."
-Those bikes can move FAST.
-A fast moving bike will swerve uncontrollably when a Festiva bears down on it.
-Bikes that swerve uncontrollably fall over.
-'Vuil hoer' is not a nice thing to be called by irate bike riders. (I managed to drag the translation out of my insanely amused fiance - dirty whore.)
-The red light means stop.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-07-26 12:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Who wants to be with an >>uncontrollable<< freak.
_______________________________________________
Freudian slip? Language difficulties? Biased and unpleasant view on women?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 18:59:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I +2 brett's post then 2 circe's post and now im gonig to go stab myself in the aunu with an ice pick
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 18:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fuckng suck
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 18:58:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh and COME ON PEOPLE GET ON GABBLY, IM FUCKING BORED
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 18:43:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
voice of Satan's pet bitch
---
Fuck satan, he got kicked out of heavan, stupid cunt that he is.
You can be my pet bitch though.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-26 19:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny. i like how you wrote the infamous sentence with periods between the words...it really got the point across. get.the.fuck.out.of.my.car. Classic.
Submitted by Xena (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I somehow relate to this more than I like to admit...
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-01 11:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-01 11:45:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by VaginaRavager (user info) at 2004-07-26 17:18:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
you look like shit you fuckin' leprechaun
______________________
Would it be too much to ask for you to explain where that came from?
----
You see this account was created to -2 mostly my posts, it must have saw a positive rating from you on one of my posts. It now doesn't like you either.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-01 11:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by VaginaRavager (user info) at 2004-07-26 17:18:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
you look like shit you fuckin' leprechaun
______________________
Would it be too much to ask for you to explain where that came from?
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-07-27 02:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dope.
Submitted by VaginaRavager (user info) at 2004-07-26 17:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you look like shit you fuckin' leprechaun
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-26 13:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to my hell, Circe. It got to the point where I made him take a separate car even if we were going to dinner or something. FUCK. THAT.
I fucking hate guys, and their condescending car advice. Reading this post makes me want to hurt someone. "Honey... you know there's a divider, right? In the road? You have to go arouuuuuuuund it." And totally deadpan, too. I could have fucking killed him. Or him frantically calling me when I'm down the block from my house, 4 cars behind him: "DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? TO GET ON THE PARKWAY..." Yes you stupid ass slore I know how to get to the goddamned parkway from my goddamned house. Now take your goddamn advice and shove it up your goddamn virgin ass.
HULK SMASH
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-07-26 13:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
that vile whore, but the sentiment is the same. amusing post
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-07-26 12:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
He didn't dump you ? Who wants to be with an uncontrollable freak.
The guy must be desperate.
Submitted by honeycake (user info) at 2004-07-26 01:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stop wasting space please. In other words, please expire.
Submitted by honeycake (user info) at 2004-07-26 01:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Eh.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-25 14:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-24 20:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post.
Also, thanks for the constructive criticism on my own post, earlier. I agree with everything you mentioned.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-07-24 20:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weekend posting!
Wooo!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-24 19:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Insane - fuck. Just... fuck.
Avals - I knew it was a setup. And he's damned close to it.
Filthy... wonderful, tempting Filthy... - You made me moan out loud. If I call you, can you say that to me in that sexy accent I'm sure you have?
Coyote - I'll send you an email with all the glorious details. Honest.
Loki - You're exactly right. It was the him being right that made me crazy.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-07-24 18:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pop an Ambien next time before you drive...you never know what fun you'll have with the backseat driver.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-24 17:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only thing worse than a backseat driver is when the backseat driver is right. I really hate that and wtf are the signs in Holland written in Dutch for, silly foreigners.
Submitted by MrFunions (user info) at 2004-07-24 17:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because i hate people telling me how to drive too.
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-07-24 17:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the same problem, i can't stand backseat drivers.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-07-24 17:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you scare me, circe
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-07-24 14:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The important thing to appreciate about Dutch drivers is that each one has a strong belief that the rules of the road apply irrevocably and without fail to every driver in every situation, except for themselves, just this once. Also, I got a speeding ticket for going... (wait for it)... 51 kph in a 50 zone.
I almost had to deduct a point for censoring the make-up sex...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-24 14:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey Circe and Filthy, you guys usually appreciate heartfelt posts...
This is one of the saddest I've ever seen...(it's not mine)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/38337
check it out...even I am crying.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-24 14:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If I didn't know any better, I'd say Filthy Assistant is a Filthy dike. If that's what it takes, I am saving up for a sex change...
Actually, that's not a bad idea anyway - get a sex change so I can be a lesbian.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-24 14:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-24 11:03:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
I am NOT going to say 'crikey' unless you get me drunk enough to do my Crocodile Hunter impression.
===
Sounds like a challenge. One that may end in a shameful bout of Sapphic indulgence featuring ropes and the phrase "my dirty little slut".
I'll be round in ten minutes.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-24 14:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-24 11:03:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
I am NOT going to say 'crikey' unless you get me drunk enough to do my Crocodile Hunter impression.
And.... (I know I'm setting myself up here).. what do they say about Australians?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know... I was hoping you could tell me.
And I would get you drunk [enough to say 'crikey'], but you're engaged and I don't think I'd stand a chance even when you're drunk. (I don't have one tenth the patience he has. Who are you dating anyway, Saint Peter?)
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-24 14:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
electrictoothsyndrome, the rest of the world DOES drive on the right side of the road. (Incidentally, to all you Aussies and Brits 'round here, there's a reason it's called the RIGHT side of the road.)
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-07-24 13:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Telling me something I already know gets the same sort of reaction. Especially while driving in a foreign country on the "wrong" side of the road.
Plus the dutch are fucking crazy. Those bikes are everywhere.
Submitted by Jaineix (user info) at 2004-07-24 13:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I would've given you a plus two, but that story reminds me of my wife when she drives...such a scary situation.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-24 13:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But kickass post!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-24 13:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Euro Rail. I never trusted myself to rent a car in a foreign land and my suspicions were proven correct the first time i RODE in a leased vehicle abroad.
Wreck, hospital trip, hospital stay, flight home, ER visit here, hospitilization here.
Fuck that. I walk, i take public transit.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-24 13:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the only time women look beautiful...when they're tied up!
There's always room in my trunk for a woman like that!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-24 12:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh.. no, he just ties me up when I get out of hand. It's a beautiful thing.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-24 12:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Poor bastard....you'll chew him up and spit him out!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-24 12:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
electrictoothsyndrome, of course it was all my fault. You don't have to read between the lines to see that.. and my fiance has the patience of a saint.
Funny reply, though.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-24 12:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Only plus 1 because women drivers suck, and it was probably all your fault to begin with. If I know women, which I do, your story is probably skewed so badly that the real scenario went something like this:
Very courteous boyfriend rents car and offers to drive...Crazy-ass dirty whore pushes him aside and gets into the driver's seat saying: "All I need you to do is help me navigate."
Boyfriend tries his best to accomodate PMS-ridden woman by walking the thin line between helping and irritating (which is hard to do when dealing with anyone who owns a cunt).
Bitch runs a hapless biker down in broad daylight while ignoring the boyfriend's pleas to pull over and let him out of the car! Crazy bitch does not oblige and proceeds to torture and scare the shit out of boyfriend all day until the bitch starts ragging and wants to lie down and rest...
Menstral woman gets very horny in hotel room and the two go at it like bloody (that's Austral-English for 'wild') dogs.
Woman complains again how the man was just too much for her to handle, but never admits that she's wrong.
PS: And because I am American and beleive all people should drive on the right side of the road as a mandate. The rest of the world needs to get a clue! Also, the metric system SUCKS!
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-07-24 11:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 because this was not up to your usual level of excellence.
BUT
+1 for makeup sex. Makeup sex rules.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-07-24 11:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny once again. Nicely done.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-24 11:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am NOT going to say 'crikey' unless you get me drunk enough to do my Crocodile Hunter impression.
And.... (I know I'm setting myself up here).. what do they say about Australians?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-24 10:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooh... Australian! Say "crikey."
Oh oh... Is it true what they say about Australians?
Submitted by Punk-not-dead (user info) at 2004-07-24 10:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gooooooooooood!
Next time dont cencor the sex, that stuff is important!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-07-24 10:35:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha, I love you.
Remind me never to drive with you though. Then again, not like I can drive anyway, so I wouldn't be very likely to give you advice.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-24 10:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm Australian, Avals.. please don't hate me, the British MADE us do it.
And alright already... next post, dirty porn-film sex.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-24 10:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn Brits driving on the bloody left side of the bloody road. How in the hell can you drive on the bloody left side!? Well when you're away from your beloved Queen you'll drive on the right side of the road and you'll bloody well like it, you hear me?
Yeah, next time - less censorship on the make up sex.
Submitted by antiLemming (user info) at 2004-07-24 09:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Duke_Prometheus_III (user info) at 2004-07-24 09:30:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-24 09:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHahahaaa!! I'm glad you made the trip nice and safe. Less censorship on the make-up sex next time.