Soft Toilet Paper Will Kill Us All (944 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.71 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Martyn Steiner (View user info) at 2004-07-25 17:27:22 EDT
The pendulum has swung too far. Practicality has been dropped in favour of comfort, and underwear is getting dirty.
I fully understand the desire to have something less abrasive than sand paper to wipe one's ass with and I absolutely support any movement to get that plastic-coated toilet paper banned. Nobody wants to anally bleed each time they seek some form of sanitation and it is for this reason that loo roll companies began the search for the softest possible paper. Soft toilet paper feels heavenly, like rubbing a new-born bunny wrapped in velvet up your crack. Thus, people who have for years been punished by abrasive wiping rush out in droves to buy the stuff.
But, there is a problem with excessively soft toilet paper. It simply doesn't work. You get two smooth surfaces and rub them together and there will be very little transference of matter between the two - there's a reason that facecloths, scourers and nail files are rough. Softer, smoother toilet paper requires more wiping since poo and paper glide over one another like a slug on ice. This really annoys me, as I hate wiping more than twice. It's a waste of time since you never seem to get totally clean and if there's too much paper you can get a blocked toilet. However, this is far from the most sinister danger presented by soft toilet paper.
You see, the softer the toilet paper, the more you use. Not only is it necessary in order to achieve an equal state of cleanliness, but the softer texture means one is more inclined to have a little extra wipe on the sly. The more you use, the more trees they fell to make the paper. The more trees they fell, the less the uptake of carbon dioxide. More carbon dioxide means an enhanced greenhouse effect and resultant global warming.
Soft toilet paper will kill us all.
User Reviews
Submitted by Martyn_Steiner (user info) at 2004-07-26 13:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by moemoe (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:57:55 (#)
Ranking: -1
and rubbing a bunny in ur ass is soft, so u would know
cuz u rub bunny's in ur ass,
who the fuck cares about this topic
but it made me laff so u get -1
Oh dear, a retard. Those words are spelt 'bunnies' and 'laugh'. And yes, I rub bunnies in my ass all the time - is that a problem?
Submitted by Karmajane (user info) at 2004-07-26 08:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So what you're saying is that we have to make the ultimate choice: shit residue or scouring away a layer of skin every time we go number 2?
A hard decision to make...
Submitted by Punk-not-dead (user info) at 2004-07-26 06:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What is this 'Toilet paper' you speak of?
Submitted by money_shot (user info) at 2004-07-26 06:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poo = +2
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2004-07-26 04:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Great illustration.
Submitted by dudette (user info) at 2004-07-25 21:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting theory
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-07-25 20:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank God for soft toilet paper. My ass bleeds with one-ply.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-25 20:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the diagram alone
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-07-25 20:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
indeed it will, my friend
indeed ... it will.
Submitted by moemoe (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
and rubbing a bunny in ur ass is soft, so u would know
cuz u rub bunny's in ur ass,
who the fuck cares about this topic
but it made me laff so u get -1
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-07-25 17:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wipe my ass with a pine cone. They pointy way.
Submitted by OICU812 (user info) at 2004-07-25 17:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Insightful!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-25 17:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"This really annoys me, as I hate wiping more than twice. "
ewwww you have klingons!
interesting observation
Submitted by Wynny <chrissywynny.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-25 17:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius.