Yes, she really did get her head stuck in a coat hanger (1479 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.33 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-07-25 18:20:38 EDT
I realized, staring at her prone body, that whoever she was, I was going to spend the rest of my summer with her. The colorful decorated sign on the door told me that she was "Maeve! From! Oregon!" It did not tell me why my roommate was passed out on the floor at eleven AM on a Tuesday.
Not sure what to do, I prodded her with my foot. In the next two seconds, a flurry of things happened.
She sat up.
I screamed.
She puked.
I screamed.
She smiled and offered her hand to me.
I ran away.
THAT'S an introduction. As it turned out later, she had decided to celebrate the beginning of her summer with Boston Ballet School in what "Wasn't traditional Mormon style, but sure was fun". It was the first time she had ever been drunk (I'm told that Mormon teenagers don't do this too often), and her friends had decided to drop her off without waking her up from her alcohol-induced coma. No, that pleasure was mine and mine alone.
Despite our unfortunate first meeting, Maeve quickly grew on me. She was fun, sunny, and a couple flips short of a pancake.
Her...interesting... disposition mattered little compared to that of our other roommate, however. Nothing bonds two girls together like mutual hatred. Marina also hailed from Oregon, but unlike Maeve, she was actually from Bulgaria.
I love foreigners. They have cute accents, and are inevitably far smarter than any of their American counterparts. Marina, however, was not a normal foreigner. She was pure, unadulterated evil.
Someone, somewhere, has undoubtedly written a book on roommate etiquette. Again, undoubtedly, "No phone calls to Bulgaria on your roommates' cell phones without telling them", must run pretty high on a list of Don'ts. As should "No compulsive lying", and "Please clean the bathroom daily if you are bulimic". Sharing a bathroom with a bulimic is NOT fun. As if this wasn't bad enough, her little quirks began to grate on me astoundingly fast. There are only so many times before the "In MY country" spiel is no longer cute, and instead becomes an invite to a swift ticket to a kick in the gonads.
Did I mention how frustrating it is when a swift kick in the gonads has no effect due to lack of gonads?
It was Maeve that saved me. By the time a few months had passed, I no longer minded the fact that her attention span compared to that of a zygotic gerbil. Instead, I looked forward to the stories about her boyfriend, John Marriot (son of the Marriot Hotel family - no shit). I also became rather fond of the instructional pamphlets for Mormon teenagers that she lent me. And when she got her head stuck in a coat hanger, I was there to help her out (though not before taking a picture).
We've grown apart since we went our separate ways (and I certainly haven't talked to Marina in quite a while, except for an occasional cruel quip about whether she's been deported yet), but imagine my [insert emotion] when Maeve contacted me over an instant messenger for the first time for months with this:
Maeve: omg viv i made out with a boy! and then he felt me up in a hotel bathroom. OMG IM SUCH A SLUT!!
ohlookasquirrel: good morning maevey
ohlookasquirrel:??
Maeve: i know!
ohlookasquirrel:??????
Maeve: I KNO!!!
Maeve: I dont know how!
Maeve: I dont know whY! WHATS WRONG WITH ME!
ohlookasquirrel: who
Maeve: this boy from seattle, his name is Luke
ohlookasquirrel: is he ghey?
Maeve: gay??
Maeve: what!!
ohlookasquirrel: never you mind, when did this happen
Maeve: last night
Maeve: thats not the worst of it though...oh my gosh vivian when did i turn into such a slut????
Maeve: haha just kidding
Maeve: well there were these two boys that i liked equally the smae and they were best friends byut now they hate eachother and first i dated kyle but i ahd liked jason all year and then i broke up with kyle and now he hats the world and i was going to hook up with jason, but hes just a big player and now kyle and jasons fried Curtis...asked me to prom so im going to give him a shot! haha
Maeve: oh well i dont do math much
ohlookasquirrel: I'm proud of you...
I love roommates, don't you?
User Reviews
Submitted by AlkalineSolo (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:27:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just punch her in the ovaries. Just feel around, they're in there.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Did I mention how frustrating it is when a swift kick in the gonads has no effect due to lack of gonads?"
not true... you just have to aim differently
(+2 for 'zygotic')
Submitted by now_thats_doom (user info) at 2004-08-24 04:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...how did the getting stuck part happen?
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-27 17:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-27 00:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Did I mention how frustrating it is when a swift kick in the gonads has no effect due to lack of gonads?'
Boom Booom!
Screw em Squirrel. This post is defintitely not a blog. They are just jealous that they do not have your wit, intellect or beauty!
My standard reponse to the "in my country" deal is "well why don't you fuck off back there if it is so wonderful'!
But then I guess you could have guessed that.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-07-26 12:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
looks like fun.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-07-26 09:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Let me take that fear away from you Ugaly...
This is a cute story, and yes that's what Ubersite was intended for. Keep coming back with good posts...I like it.
Oh...the picture definately made the difference!
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-07-26 01:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe i shouldn't rate. I have a habit of being the last person to ever rate on posts...or i have a habit of killing the argument
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-07-25 21:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
UBERCONTEST: See who can come up with more rambling incoherent sentences than drunk mormon.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-07-25 20:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The project goes good... well as far as I know anyway. No one has told me anything aside from random requests from the Art Director to draw this and that. I wish I had signed up for that position in hindsight, if only to figure out what the hell was going on.
Oh well... hopefully it will turn out good in the end.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-25 20:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That picture is going to make me cry at night.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-25 20:12:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Erm, I'm going to break my own rule and reply to my own post too many times, to note the fact that this post is a story.
A story of something that happened more than a year ago.
I will be glad to take criticism of any other sort, and certainly this same "BLOG" criticism on some of my other posts that may seem like a blog (note my last post, for example), but this post really is not like a blog...
What is uber for if not for posting stories?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-25 20:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Everyday on Uber gets more and more like a blog.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-25 19:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gibberish, I think that I originally intended to be a part, and I would certainly still like to know what's going on and help in what little ways I can, but the nature of the project makes it such that I can't help very much (I do make a lot of art, but most of it is a bizarre sort of intellectual collage).
I definitely wish the art team luck though.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-07-25 19:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In honesty, this post wasn't great. It was all about the photo.
On another note, are you part of the uber art team? Can't remember if your name came up or not...
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-25 19:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Phantom plus to"
I can't believe I said that.
I hate to say this...but I think I need to go back to school.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Thank God I'm Catholic.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think her mother is a little late on trying the free option of abortion.
Yeah that sucked I know, good post though.
Submitted by OICU812 (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh SHIT!
Forgot the -2...
Submitted by OICU812 (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks. I'm glad I can make people happy!
Submitted by KevinHo (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Uhh...yeah...
...yeah...
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
She's pretty. I'll buy her a KitKat.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA! Holy shit, OICU812 cracked me up.
Phantom plus to for "evil matriarch of doom".
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff!
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and jeebus was proud.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by OICU812 (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OH MY GOD YOU GOT YOUR HEAD STUCK IN A COAT HANGER AND YOU CAN'T GET IT OUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS POST MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT ALL OVER THE KEYBOARD I'M USING TO TYPE THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BECAUSE IT WAS A BAD POST I HATE YOU SO MUCH ROT IN HELL FOR ETERNITY YOU EVIL MATRIARCH OF DOOM.
-2.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
She carried instructional pamphlets on being a Mormon?! Hahahahah, a drunken slut still trying to pimp her faith. Well done Maeve, Jebus would be proud.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:26:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
do you know me? i dont know you
i'm little jimmy,
how do you do?
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:25:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness, you crazy son of a...coat hanger.