The miracle of pregnancy and birth...or something. (471 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.83 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <karmajane01.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-07-26 09:16:05 EDT
My best friend is pregnant. I mean REALLY pregnant. Like ready to pop. About 5 days short of the doctor's estimation; which, I know, is rarely spot on but he wasn't there on the date of conception so we'll forgive the guesswork. I went with her to see aforementioned doctor today. It's actually become a kinda regular event for us; me, her and the fetus going on an outing to see a nice man who tells us all is well, checks her pee then sends us on our merry way.
Anyway, it actually occurred to me today that the whole process of procreation is a strange, unattractive and kinda icky one. I suspect the reason that I began to ponder this so suddenly is the fact that today was my friend's first internal examination. Yep, that's right, the day where the friendly-seeming GP goes all pervy (what else do you call it when there's latex gloves and lube involved?) and sticks his hand up my friend's vagina.
This got me to wondering: Why, in this day of ultra-modern technology and medical miracles, do so many women do this? I mean, I think we got the short straw when God was handing out the whole "miracle of life" responibilites list. "Baby-batter gun?" "Let's give that to the guys." "So, where do we put the baby-making-oven bit then?" "Um...we'll just stick that in the females somewhere. We made skin stretchy right? Good! Whack it in anywhere then. Oh yeah, it'll have to be in the lower half cause we didn't give them dislocating jaws, birth would be a problem from the top end. Give them the boobs too. But make up for it by giving them a bit more of the whole sexual allure thingy."
Look at it from an outside perspective. The first bit of the whole process is fun. Sweaty, fluid-packed, pink-bit-rubbing fun (for most people anyway). The next stage, finding out that you're pregnant, carries a whole load of emotions...one would hope that in most instances the main one is joy but I think, in reality, it's shock and/or downright denial. Then comes the time when you're happy and excited about a new person coming along, which is all well and good but how the fuck do you stay excited for 9 months!?! I don't want to do ANYTHING for 9 whole months. Especially when the painful, embarrassing and unattractive side effects start up. Like morning sickness, stretchmarks, constantly sore back/feet/bum/belly, chronic gas and a persistant need to pee to name just a few.
I wonder if there are women out there who get to that bit and go "Hang on, I never signed up for THIS shit!" Probably. But by that point it's usually too late to turn back now! And the world decides to throw you ANOTHER curveball: a creature by the name of OB/GYN. Your friendly neighbourhood Obstetrician/Gynecologist. A person who feels the need to poke, prod and probe you for the duration of the baby-cooking. Gotta make sure the kid is healthy before he tears your nether-regions apart. In actual fact, it seems to me that anyone who is in any way qualified medically feels as if they have a need to shove their hand up a pregnant woman's snatch, the OB/GYN just happens to feel its his/her God-given right to do so as often as possible.
The real kick in the pants is that, after this torture, you get two choices: 1) Get cut open to get the kid out OR 2) Push an entire (albeit miniature) person out of your genitals...I'm not a stranger to this whole "birth" part either; I watched my sister have my niece.
It doesn't sound (or look) too peachy to me. I tell you what, if I ever somehow get tricked into this, the child produced had better be the cutest damn thing alive (not to mention the best behaved) in order for all the work to be worth it...and it's pretty tricky to be cuter than, say, a puppy.
User Reviews
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-26 09:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, I suck. This takes my rating up to about a 0.5 or something. This was pretty well written.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-26 09:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Negative score for anyone bitching about a pregnancy that's going well. Pet hate. Sorry.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-07-26 09:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this just seemed to deteriorate at the end, but overall it wasn't very interesting. spruce it up. try some humor.
Wait till you are about 28, 29, and that ol biological clock starts ticking real loud.
no "Trick" about it.
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-07-26 09:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I didn't know chicks got chronic gas while pregnant.