Tom vs. Wendigo (2996 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.97 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-07-26 14:44:48 EDT
This episode can be read as a stand-alone Tom tale, but it deals with the aftermath of the Hiranmayi/ Wendigo incident: http://www.ubersite.com/m/38408.
After Tom slept with Wendigo, Hiranmayi never came to another Jungle Juice party, but Wendigo wouldn't leave him alone. Maybe he impressed her with his skills in the bedroom, maybe she needed a regular boyfriend, maybe she was just attracted to unstable head cases, but she was positively Fatal Attraction-esque in her quest to make Tom her beau. The next day she called him like 16 times. After the first couple of times, Tom simply instructed us to tell her that he was not in. It worked for a while, but on Monday, when Nick, Tom, and I all went to the BeansTalk to get our morning dose of triple-shot espresso, she cornered us in one of the booths and slid in next to Tom.
Nick and I quickly determined that the scene was not going to end well, and as a joke, started sketching our egress route on a napkin. That was a mistake.
Wendigo: "What are you guys doing oh HA HA HA planning your escape that's funny yeah."
Except she said it in such a manic, scary-ass way that I immediately crumpled up the napkin and threw it on the floor under the table.
Wendigo went on Like Nothing Ever Happened: "Yeah hey Tom where were you yesterday HA HA HA I wanted to talk to you maybe we could go out tonight HA HA HA."
With that same creepy voice. Nick and I were feeling a bit uncomfortable with her sitting across the booth from us, but Tom's face just darkened, and he hunched over his coffee prison-style and said nothing. So she put her arm around his shoulders buddy-buddy style and said, "C'mon Tom you can talk to me I won't bite HA HA HA well not unless you want me to HA HA HA."
Then she did something for which I have no explanation. She started trying to sit in his lap. In a booth. Now, I'm no ergonomics expert, but it didn't look to me like it was going to work out well for either of them, but she wouldn't let up. He squirmed, she pressed on, he dodged, she persisted, and eventually it got to the point where she was kind of half sitting on one of Tom's legs. It looked quite awkward for her and uncomfortable as hell for him. Nick and I took that as our cue.
Me: "All right then, we're gonna take off. I don't want to be late for class. See ya later."
We tried, I swear to God, but we couldn't help ourselves. We snickered. A little. Very quietly. You could barely hear it. But Tom clearly had had enough, and he bellowed out in the most appalling fashion:
"GET YOUR FUCKING HATCHET WOUND OFF ME!!!"
Man, Tom just had the gift of grinding nearby conversations to a halt. To state that the BeansTalk got quiet is a substantial bit of an understatement. That place was like a Goddamned mausoleum. Until Wendigo bolted to her feet and shouted out with equal ferocity:
"You think you can just FUCK ME well it DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY you're my BOYFRIEND now!!"
"BULLFUCKINGSHIT I AM!!", Tom screeched, and raced out the door.
She shrieked in reply, "EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!", and gave chase.
Nick and I went to class. When we got back, Tom and Wendigo were asleep, naked, on his bed. With the door wide fucking open.
God Damn.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-02 08:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-05-17 21:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Except she said it in such a manic, scary-ass way that I immediately crumpled up the napkin and threw it on the floor under the table."
these are absolutely priceless!!
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2006-05-07 01:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 09:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-08 20:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kixx (user info) at 2005-02-11 22:44:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Pure. Fucking. Gold.
Submitted by kixx (user info) at 2005-02-11 22:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Pure. Fucking. Gold.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:12:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ignore_the_Small_Print (user info) at 2004-08-02 12:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have just gone over your whole back catalogue and they are indeed the kicker
of all ass - I love you jimbo :)
You definitly need to post some more now, I should have rationed myself to only
a couple of your posts a day so I could have extended the pleasure of reading
ones I haven't read before!!
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next instalments :)
x x x
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-08-02 02:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Soon, a day will come when Jimbo, armed and fully-loaded with his Tom-series 5100 automatic ass-kicker, will send Habeeb crying and bloodied back to his momma and off the MVA for good. When that day arrives, choirs of angels will sing the praises of Tom, I mean Jimbo, and all of Uber will rejoice and drink many liters of Jungle Juice in his honor.
Submitted by PurplePeopleEater at 2004-07-31 15:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can only hope that I have some kickass events like this in my life. Tom kicks ass!
"GET YOUR FUCKING HATCHET WOUND OFF ME!!!"
She shrieked in reply, "EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!", and gave chase.
RAAAAASSK!
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-07-31 13:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by amy8moo (user info) at 2004-07-30 17:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another awesome entry. More Tommy, Tom, Tom!
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-07-30 12:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
their love-child would rival rosemary's baby..
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-29 12:34:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom stories totally kick ass.
Congats on being on MVA. Your one of the few newer people that actually deserve it.
Submitted by ishgirl at 2004-07-28 17:42:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
U have a nact for telling stories jimbo. ur hilarious. keep it up
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
At first glance, I was like "Fuck YEAH!! I made the MVA!"
Then I noticed that Bart changed the display to show the top 30 MVA, rather than the top 25.
Doh! Well, I kick ass anyway. Yay me!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-28 08:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-28 08:48:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MVA! Way to go Jimbo, you deserve it. These stories are hysterical, and told with flair. I love them. Keep it up!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-28 08:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO MVA WOO!
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-07-28 00:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need another hit, more Tom motherfucker.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-27 16:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-27 13:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's slander, Dome, slander I tell you.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2004-07-26 21:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, this is the first time in over a year i've been able to get online outside of work....i'm using my aunt's computer (which is a total piece of shit) i came right to Uber to check if you had anything new....waited five minutes for this page to download and another 10 just to rate and tell you how kick ass this post was. i literally lauged out loud. you are the man Jimbo! thank you, thank you
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-07-26 21:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'The fuck?
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-07-26 21:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That story could not have ended better than that.
I still think that Jimbo = Tom and he won't admit having slept with a beast.
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-07-26 17:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeasAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH +2!
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these stories
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:52:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom = awesome
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom IS ALL THAT IS MAN!
Bart should put this whole series on B@W
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom gives me wood.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you so much that I want to be gay with you.
What the hell, we were both in USNAVY, right?
Seriously, though, Tom stories are the greatest thing since porn, as far as sheer entertainment value. Actually, no... nevermind. Tom makes me laugh. Porn makes me um... happy. So, yea, they're actually nothing alike and I'm a moron.
But fuck it, have a +2 for being the fucking man.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom has found his equal, their spawn shall conquer the earth, or kill each other in the womb, either one will be entertaining.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:01:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEEEAAAH!!!!!
Another Tom story, never fails to please.
Plus two for you.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-07-26 15:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More Tom. More Tom. More Tom. More Tom.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-26 15:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-07-26 15:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-26 15:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so.. Tom and wendingo are married now right?
Submitted by Arsenal (user info) at 2004-07-26 15:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read the entire Tom series today for the first time. Fucking great
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom kicks ass
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:58:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I want more tom stories, and more tom and wendigo stories. I can't get enough of fucking psycho's!
I want a Tom, Dano, Wendigo Cross over. Something where Dano steals Wendigo, and Tom flips out, and starts gnawing on Dano's head (again) and wendigo ends up doing the both of them.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please tell me there are many more tom stories.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my bad
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:52:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mad props
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And yes, I'm unable to spell fucking. Fuch me.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus fuching Christ... These Tom stories kick so much ass my colon hurts. A lot.