It's all you can eat night every night, my fine feathered friends! (358 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.8 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Just_me_and_the_cats (View user info) at 2004-07-27 19:27:39 EDT
I hate my downstairs neighbor. I mean, I really, really hate the guy. He's one of these whiny Middle Eastern types who walks around with an eternal pained expression, and in our small six-unit building he pisses and moans endlessly until he gets what he wants. Hell, his name is Arabic for 'martyr,' and it suits his 'poor me' mindset perfectly. He has this fair-sized wooden deck that he hasn't sealed or repainted in ten years. The deck is rotting away, (please God, let him go right through the fucker one day and break a leg on the concrete 12 feet below) and he blames the rot on leaves falling from the only tree in the backyard (a nice, lush tree, a few feet from my window, right here in the middle of the city). In fact, he has already succeeded in getting the tree trimmed once, even though he only sweeps the leaves off his deck about once a month. And if that was a 'trim,' I'm glad he's not performing circumcisions; otherwise there would be a lot of potential serial killers out there. Anyhow, I hate the bastard (for lots of things, but most recently, for ruining my leafy view until the tree grows back), but since I'm white and he isn't, I'm sure he'd pull the race card if I did so much as fart within hearing distance and try to charge me with assault. In a desperate search for a simple and effective way of popping any aneurysms that might be present within the meat of his brain I have turned to the birds. I put a few nice plates and bowls full of birdseed on the fire escape outside our window (not blocking access or breaking the fire code, mind you) and now doves and finches are shitting their brains out, all over his deck. Our friendly neighborhood martyr has already fired off a number of outraged emails (cc-ing the building manager, what is this guy, six years old?) complaining about the droppings, and has basically been told by the manager to drop it. Hey, nature is beautiful. Birds gonna fly, birds gonna shit, shit gonna fall. Unless he videotapes one of the birds near my seed supply shitting on his deck, and can prove that what they shit here, they ate here and not somewhere else, I'm home free. I look forward to leaving work every day now, so I can rush home, top up the seed supply, and watch Mr. Martyr step out his back door, look up, grimace, frown, and mutter flaccid complaints. Hey, I know this isn't much of an entry, but if you knew this guy, you'd want to brag about being a birdshit catalyst as well.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brianthetruthspeaker (user info) at 2004-07-28 18:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
thanks for not killing my posts
that was a true story and i always found it funny
about your story.
thier are so many haters on this site
if your new they think thier better than you and crap all over your posts no matter whats in them
you know your doing ok when all they can do is crack on your spellin or grammer or spelling.
next
your doing good if thier are no problems yet they dont like your story because ,its religous
pro Bush,pro America.
yet they can talk in childish vulgarities and Anti Jew or Black and get +2s all day long go figure
and they set back all sumg because the gang up and rain on you.
just remember alot of them are under 20 and really hate themselves
so don't give up i look forward to your next post.
Brian
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-07-27 23:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GO PARAGRAPHS WOO!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-07-27 21:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So you hate the guy because... he... has a pained expression on his face?
Because he wanted the tree trimmed?
?
Ah, overall it sounds like you are VERY worked up about something VERY silly. Use that energy towards something else, yo. Like... use it towards PARAGRAPHS!
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-07-27 20:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Seemed a bit of a bad excuse to use the word catalyst.
Oh yeh paragraphs. I know I am not exactly brilliant with my grammar but i always remember the paragraphs.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-07-27 19:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
para-FUCKING-graphs!
I know you may not think it is important but I refuse to read something that makes my eyes burn.