I won't write for you. (1792 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Badlands (View user info) at 2004-07-28 09:54:19 EDT
I won't write for you. Not anymore. I simply no longer have the passion for it. What I felt. Who I was. How I loved. It's all gone. I'm a different person now. You simply don't consume me the way you once did. I carried that bag of bricks around for years. But I've set it down now. I've walked away from it. I'll never pick it up again.
But you called yesterday. Why? We've nothing more to say to one another. I think you summed it up best three years ago, when you looked me straight in my shattered, blood-shot eyes and popped that cap - "I'm sorry Frankie. But I think you always loved me just a little more than I loved you."
I played football for nine years, rugby for four, and I've had more than my fair share of black eyes, bloody noses and broken bones. But I have never. Ever. Been dealt a blow like that before. It was devastating. And to think that it came from a 5' 6", 110-pound, angel with the saddest brown eyes I'd ever seen. It's almost laughable.
But you called. I heard your voice and my heart leapt. And then you told me you loved him. You told me that he was everything you'd ever wanted. You told me that he proposed. And that you'd accepted. You told me that you wanted me to hear it straight from your lips. You felt I deserved that respect.
Once again, that sweet little angel of mine had delivered a solid kick right to the crotch. And once again, I was powerless to defend myself.
I took a deep breath, smiled so that my words would come out sounding cheerful, and told you that I appreciated the consideration, but that it's been a long time. I explained that we've both moved on and that you really owed me nothing, that the call really wasn't necessary. Then I told you that I was truly happy for you.
And given the chance I'd lie again.
You bought it, didn't you? Convinced I was whole again, you continued to tell me about all that was good in your life. He wants children right away, and so do you. He's a stockbroker, and your father loves him. He owns a home in the best part of town, and you're going to redecorate all three floors. And last month he took you on a surprise vacation to the Cayman Islands. Paradise, you said. The two of you swam with dolphins, parasailed, cliff dived, enjoyed boat drinks, and ate lobster every single night.
I gritted my teeth and told you that I thought he must be a real catch. After all, during our time together, I couldn't afford to have children with you (though I would have given my right arm to have a daughter that embodied even half the qualities I saw in you). And your father...well, he never did think I was good enough for his little princess. He called me a dreamer, remember? And a dreamer, he explained, is always "too busy with his head in the clouds to ever truly see the world he's living in."
And as for last month...well, not that I'm going to tell you this...but while you were enjoying the paradise of Grand Cayman on your rich new fiancée's dime, I got a DUI. Nice, eh? Yeah...bet you're wishing you never stopped betting on this here pony now, aren't you sweetheart?
What can I say? I made a horrible mistake and drove when I shouldn't have. I embarrassed myself. I let my family down. And it's something I'm going to pay for, for a long time. Both monetarily and emotionally. I have no excuse.
I just hurt. It's a pain that no one can define. It's something I've lived with since you left. I know you don't understand. But some of us just...hurt. Our shells look so strong, so impenetrable, so attractive. But our insides, they're soft. They're lacking. They're needing. And sometimes there's no relief. And we make poor choices as a result. I made a poor choice. And I'm sorry I did.
I'll bet he'd never make a mistake like that, would he? I'm sure he's much smarter than that. I'm sure he's not flawed like I am. I've been a work in progress since the day I was born. And even though everyone loves an Underdog, when it comes right down to it, nobody really wants to bet on one, now do they?
So, I listened to tales of your perfect life. I was a good audience too. I laughed in all the appropriate spots, and did my best to mask the pain I was feeling inside. And then you asked about me. Asked if I was still with "that girl". I told you I was and that everything was great. And you inquired--with absolutely no jealously or pretension--when we'd be getting married. I laughed, even though your indifference made me want to cry.
I told you things were fine. What I didn't tell you was that last night, in my bed, seconds after making love, she wrapped her legs around my waist, her arms around my neck and looked deep into my eyes. Breathlessly, hopelessly, she told me that she loved me.
I saw her soul. Right there, I saw her stripped away of all her defenses. Just her...without armor, exposing herself to me in a way that told me her heart and happiness were in my hands. She was giving herself over to me, unconditionally. Much the same way I had given myself to you.
I heard those words. I saw her face. And I just broke down. I understood exactly how she felt. And the one thought that came to mind, I uttered aloud.
"I love you."
She smiled wide, an excited squeal escaping her pretty red lips, and she hugged me tightly around the neck, kissing my cheek over and over, heaving with delight, "Iloveyou, Iloveyou, Iloveyou, Iloveyou!"
Such a beautiful girl. Warm. Caring. Sweet. Funny. Smart. Gorgeous. Perfect in every way. And she deserved to hear those words.
I truly wish I had been talking to her.
But I never told you all that. Why should I? I'm clearly no match for you. You'd only devastate me again. And I certainly don't need the pain.
But there is something I can do. I can never write for you again. Not ever. You don't deserve my heart on the page anymore. You don't deserve my soul spilling out of my person and into the atmosphere. You don't deserve it, and I won't do it. I simply won't. Not ever.
This is the last time...I swear.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:22:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:27:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post breaks my heart in several different ways. Still one of my all time favourites.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sheer awesome
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-08-04 10:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously, this IS good.
Sad but good.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-04 09:37:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this one is my favorite.
Again, how come I never rated?
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She was right. You are great.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-17 14:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Our shells look so strong, so impenetrable, so attractive. But our insides, they're soft. They're lacking. They're needing. And sometimes there's no relief."
Yes.
------------------------------
Don't know how I missed this one, but I'm glad I found it.
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:50:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect how you captured the moment. An awful moment, but written terribly well.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there, done that, twice now. Fuck it, man. Never again.
And I'll NEVER give a rats ass whether or not any girl's father ever "likes" me again. FUCK THAT.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very very good. Very sad. I hate that feeling. There is always that one person who makes your heart jump and at the same time makes you feel like you swallowed a 50lb lead weight. It's teh suk.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how come I am just reading this now.
not too shabby.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:29:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Badlands is euphemism for Badass
Submitted by BrittInToledo (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-02-11 15:04:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When all this is over, I'm going to sit down and buy you a big, thick steak.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-02-11 15:03:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this might actually be my favorite uber post of all time.
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-11 14:48:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:15:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just hurt. It's a pain that no one can define. It's something I've lived with since you left. I know you don't understand. But some of us just...hurt. Our shells look so strong, so impenetrable, so attractive. But our insides, they're soft. They're lacking. They're needing. And sometimes there's no relief.
. . . yes. Me too.
This hurt. It was a different kind of hurt though. Ah, God. It's like you just don't fit in the world or something. Can't explain further than that, but that's the impression I'm stuck with.
This was great.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-10-29 09:01:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew if I looked through your info I'd find a post to move me.
I'm dreading the day I get that call.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's you and I go out, get drinks, and get into a fight (with someone else). I'll drive. I'm serious.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no memory of ever reading this post, yet somehow I managed to +2 it before.
Ah... the perils of having a multiple personality disorder... welcome to the world of gibberish.
Oh yeah, have another plus two... just because.
Yeah.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please God don't let me face you in UM.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post. Good writing. But now I'm all sad and melancholy. still...+2
Submitted by BoxcarChild (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-14 16:59:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What can I say? This about sums it up. All the hurt I've felt since she (my love) left me over a year back. She, being my muse, took more than my heart when she left, she took my will.
Thank you for saying all the things I haven't had the will to say about her. Maybe I will one day yet, who knows.
Submitted by krushul (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I gave you a plus two earlier because of the trivia. I read it now, and it was just great.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't lie, Badlands - you touched me (not physically) with this one.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, dude. Damn.
Submitted by kukd85 (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for making me a little teary eyed at work... Great stuff
Submitted by bluegoddess (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:26:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:14:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy hell...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy hell...
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-30 13:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CBG trivia
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-28 16:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a fucking excellent post.
Submitted by honeycake (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very, very good.
Submitted by deenie (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was well wriiten and the asshole who -2 it can kiss my ass!
Submitted by kiketta (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost made me want to cry.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I assure you, no matter if you are male or female, you are definitly a bitch.
One more, though it won't really count.
Submitted by NOWorNEVER (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
same thing happenned to me...you think you're over it and then BAM. but more happiness will come. nothing will ever be quite like that one first love, but different doesnt mean worse. btw, i like works in progress.
Submitted by plushpeach (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going through a very similar thing right now. No one can ever know how much it devastates your heart mind and soul. Good luck and I hope that you find the strength to live life as fully as possible.
Submitted by money_shot (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another, that touched me.
Submitted by money_shot (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And a final +2 for playing rugby
Submitted by money_shot (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
another +2 for the assholes that didn't
Submitted by money_shot (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2+ for that shit hot writing
Submitted by glitter_junkie (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:39:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, no, because now you're assuming I'm female.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, So so sorry.
Here, let me clear it up.
What a fucking douche bag that bitch below me is.
Better?
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to see you're moving on. Good luck with it.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by glitter_junkie (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's interesting that you assume I'm male...
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what a fucking douche bag that guy below me is.
Submitted by glitter_junkie (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment