What the fuck happened to you, Harrison Ford? (2435 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.78 on 70 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by reallybored (View user info) at 2004-07-28 10:45:52 EDT
Have you ever seen somebody do something so stupid, so idiotic, and so obviously retarded, that you couldn't even speak? At best you could groan out a WTF and roll you eyes in disgust? This is how I feel every time I see a recent Harrison Ford movie.
At one time the name Harrison Ford really meant something. When you heard it you immediately thought, "Hmm, I'm gonna see some wild ass shit coming up." Then within a few moments, some crazy badass all-American type stuff would happen, and you would grin like a 16 year old that just got their first blowjob.
For fuck's sake, the man arguably played the two best characters in two of the best trilogies of all time. Han Solo was the original Jedi pimp, never mind the fact he was neither a Jedi nor a pimp. Shit he was more badass than that, he was a smuggler; the George Jung of a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. What could be cooler than that? Oh did I forget to add that it was SOLO that got the girl in the end? Fuck you Hamil, you incestual little fuck.
Then as if to say, "I'm not badass enough" Ford comes back in another trilogy as oh some guy named INDIANA FUCKING JONES! Indiana Jones is the only storyline that could make archeologists cool, even Jurassic Park failed on that shit. Who would have thought that a fedora, a whip, and a Lugar could turn a profession of geeks into quite possible the most asskicking people of the mid-80s? Throw in dead Nazis and Austrian whores and you got yourselves a blockbuster.
But just like that intro says in Liquid Swords, "That's when everything changed."
Harrison Ford met the 90s and decided for some strange reason to reinvent himself or some shit. He went from a man with a blaster or a whip, to some bitch crying about his dead wife and the one armed man. Are you fucking kidding me? This guy took on the goddamn DEATH STAR, and now he's running from Tommy Lee Jones?! The guy who played the queer in JFK?! What in the holy fuck is that about?
You would think it would stop there, that old Ford just fucked up one day and agreed to the wrong script, hell I would let it go, mistakes happen, but no my friends that was not the end. Only a few years later he decided to continue with the removal of his penis with the horrid film known as Six Days and Seven Nights. I won't even go into the details of the on-screen disaster, but for those that haven't seen it I will mention the two main supporting actors: Ann Heche and David Schwimmer. I know, that's how I felt as well.
The years that followed had more crap flicks like Random Hearts (excuse me while I vomit on my shoes), What Lies Beneath (drowning your wives, that about as hardcore as a box of Peeps), and the horrid K-19 the WidowMaker (Ford is now a commie, fucking great).
I know some of you are probably bitching about the Jack Ryan movies, well guess what, Baldwin did a much better job as Ryan in The Hunt for Red October so go fuck yourselves.
At the end of the day the named Ford will now be forever tarnished. I heard there is another Indiana flick in the works, but I doubt it will do anything to make up for the shit we have been forced to eat over the past 10 years. Thank you Ford. Thank you for ruining my faith in you. Thank you for taking Indiana and Han and shitting on them. Thank you for all of that.
Oh and one more thing, Calista Flockhart is one ugly ass bulimic fuck.
User Reviews
Submitted by podium (user info) at 2005-03-22 17:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-21 18:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-21 17:43:12 (#)
Ranking: 1
You had your first blowjob at 16? Do you smell or something?
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I got my first blowjob when I was 67.
I got my first anal when I was 7. Oooooooooh.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-11-21 17:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BAM! Plus two.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-21 17:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You had your first blowjob at 16? Do you smell or something?
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-21 17:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-11-08 18:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was Indiana Jones from the Temple of Doom for Halloween.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2004-11-08 17:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I made a reference to Harrison Ford and the girl I was talking to goes, "Oh yeah, the old guy from Six Days, Seven Nights." I puked, cried, slapped her in the face, and then went and watched The Temple of Doom.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-08-24 12:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Voltron kicks so much ass its not even funny.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-31 00:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I go to college where Harrison Ford also went! Name that school!
Submitted by me at 2004-07-30 01:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This can't be your post, this must be your mama's post.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-07-30 01:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The only reason you don't get a plus 2 is how can you criticize Indiana Jones AND Han Solo?
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-07-29 11:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
peeps = awesome
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-07-29 04:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by KevinHo (user info) at 2004-07-29 04:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You must be really bored.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-07-29 03:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-07-28 21:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You fucked with Jurassic Park.
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-07-28 18:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The peeps comment made me pee a little in my pants. Fack.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-07-28 18:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmmm..marshmallow chicks
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-07-28 17:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you I hate you so much but this kicked mucho ass, for those of you who don't hablo espanol this fucking ruled.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-07-28 17:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss voltron, but not that shitty ass copy power rangers.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-28 16:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoever said that, yes, there is a double standard.
I'm not the one enforcing it. It's your own fault for not wanting to fuck Cher.
Take one for the team.
Harrison ford though, jeebus, how could any woman say no to him.
Along the same lines, take sean connery and make him less hairy, and he'd win over harrison ford any day.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-28 15:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
classic reallybored awesomeness.
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-28 14:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 for new harrison movies, I think he's getting geriatric on us.
+4 for peeps, voltron, and old kickass and take names harrison.
Submitted by mjt7420 (user info) at 2004-07-28 14:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still love Harrison Ford. He's allowed to make mistakes, but that in no way takes away from your brilliant post.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-07-28 14:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-28 14:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:44:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just really hate the over use of the words Jedi and Pimp, otherwise, you are spot on about harrison ford.
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Understandble. I will take your +2 as a token to your love and appreciate for all things Voltron and Peep.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just really hate the over use of the words Jedi and Pimp, otherwise, you are spot on about harrison ford.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:23:43 (#)
Ranking: -1
Jedi pimp? no.
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PEEP!
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Jedi pimp? no.
Submitted by VaginaRavager (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Eh.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
he wasted his prime, and now ford is just old and wrinkled.
Submitted by plushpeach (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for the staement about Calista.
-1 for bashing Jack Ryan. I loved Harrison Ford as Jack Ryan. Fuck Ben Alfeck, Harrison will always be Jack Ryan to me.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:15:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
Squirrel, since you mentioned fucking older members of the opposite sex, do you feel there's a double standard there?
I personally find female celebrities to be kind of gross as they approach the 50's (Madonna, Cher, etc...), although there are a few older females I wouldnt' mind sampling (Christie Brinkley, Diane Keaton)
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I still want to bang Dolly Parton.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha....
lojope: you really think he is sexy in these recent movies? Ok. I'm certainly not gay.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these RB public service announcements.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew it was over when he made "Sabrina."
Han Solo is dead.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:27:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
You forgot to mention how badass he was in Blade Runner.
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Originally i had a small comment on that and Apoclypse Now. Even though he wasnt in much of that movie, anybody in that movie is automatically a badass considering how badass that movie is.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You forgot to mention how badass he was in Blade Runner.
Submitted by CampJim176 (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Indiana FUCKING JONES"...That saying there is just awesomely badass...:-D thanks for the Laugh
Submitted by glitter_junkie (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Seconded.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you have no idea how passionately I feel about this subject. Especially in regard to Harrison Ford. You make an excellent point. But, then again, isn't this the cycle that any great actor experiences? A couple of great flicks when they're young, then it's all about $$$. I think that point occurs somewhere between fucking a co-star and getting interviewed by James Lipman (?). It's not that his acting skills have changed; I mean, shit, he plays the same damn character in every movie. Or was there a huge difference between Luke Skywalker and Indiana Jones? It's just sellout scripts and a lame American movie-going audience.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When the MC's caaame, to live our their naaame
And to perform
Some had, to snort cocaaaaine to act insaaaane!
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Squirrel, since you mentioned fucking older members of the opposite sex, do you feel there's a double standard there?
I personally find female celebrities to be kind of gross as they approach the 50's (Madonna, Cher, etc...), although there are a few older females I wouldnt' mind sampling (Christie Brinkley, Diane Keaton)
Submitted by Wills at 2004-07-28 11:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Voltron!!!
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still dead sexy though.
I don't care if he's old, I'd fuck his brains out.
Submitted by KingFuzion (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But just like that intro says in Liquid Swords, "That's when everything changed."
+2 for the reference to the GZA.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't understand...he was just "finding himself" or possibly just "exploring his feminine side" while he "broadened his horizons as an actor"....
or he just turned into a whimpering pussy.
It's sad when we see a hero get so lame...good post.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I nearly peed my pants.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I won't even go into the details of the on-screen disaster, but for those that haven't seen it I will mention the two main supporting actors: Ann Heche and David Schwimmer. I know, that's how I felt as well.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:04:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate to be pedantic (no I dont) but in Jurrassic park they were palaentologists, not archaeologists.
This however was an awesome post.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the very essence of truth.
Espo
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 --> "drowning your wives, that about as hardcore as a box of Peeps"
Hey let's keep the faith for Ford in IJ4--after all, it has Steven Spielberg AND George Lucas behind it. There's no WAY Lucas can fuck up a movie in a series that began twenty years ago.
What? Star Wars? Aw, fuck....
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He was so god damned hunky as Han Solo and Indian Jones.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No peeps were harmed in the making of this post. However before i made it, i ate a peep. A yellow and a purple. Im not racist.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A-Men!! This was a piece that needed to be written. When I was a kid, Harrison Ford was the embodiment of all that any boy should strive to be. From Blade Runner to Han "Fucking" Solo, to Indiana "By-God" Jones...he was the man.
Then...Regarding Henry? Random Hearts? Six Days and Seven Nights? Han...why hast thou forsaken us? Now we're left with guys that tool Vin Diesel. Where have all our heroes gone?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bahahahhaha
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah! But you know... even in those shittyass movies... he was still one sexy motherfucker. MMM! I wanna get with THAT!
Submitted by geofroley (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AnchorMan (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm yummy peeps. +2.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The picture turned a +1 into +2.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So very true.
Submitted by HotSexyChick at 2004-07-28 10:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good. He has become quite the puss. However, I love peeps.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy took on the goddamn DEATH STAR, and now he's running from Tommy Lee Jones?!
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can a brotha getta hell yeah?
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-07-28 10:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh how true it is.