Crazies I have known: Chicago public transit encounters (1088 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-07-28 11:07:48 EDT
I've spent the entirety of my young life in the city, and as I've grown up, I've gotten used to its quirky ways. Almost. Chicago has an extensive public transit system of buses and trains. Nearly everyone rides the CTA. I wouldn't even risk warranting a guess at how many drunks have puked in a CTA train.
The people that ride the CTA, particularly the bizarre and extremely unique varieties, are quite unfortunately drawn to me like Mickginny to redheads.
It's actually uncanny. I have a friend who claims to attract people with Tourette's syndrome. Apparently quite a few individuals have been unable to restrain themselves from yelling things like "I'M GONNA KILL YOU FAGGOT!" and "JACKASS UPTARD!" at him on the street.
However you choose to look at that, I have an affinity myself for attracting the crazies. Perhaps I look too nice and inviting. I have been unable to take the advice of my best friend to tap my headphones whenever someone tries to talk to me, and to stick my finger in their nose if they continue. If a bum strikes up a conversation with me, goddamnit if I'm not going to be polite and helpful.
While Bart may have licked a bum's ass, I have met these bums, been hugged by these bums, and been offered coffee by these bums (though those are different stories).
It makes for a colorful life. I'm never quite sure who I'm going to meet when I step onto the pee encrusted floor of a red line train, or into the yuppie infested interior of a brown line train. What follows is a catalog of some of the most compelling or terrifying people I have encountered on the CTA.
*****
Case # 1: Paranoid, drugged up Asian men, and how to deal with them entirely ineffectively
I have a habit that I guarantee you, as harmless as it seems, has gotten me into unimaginable trouble. When I am uneasy bordering on petrified, I paste an idiotic grin onto my face. So, when I stepped onto a train and a 20 some man immediately took the seat next to me, blocked my exit with his arms, and whispered "You just smiled at me", no doubt he was right.
Not sure what was coming next, I edged away from him. His dark sunglasses and slicked back hair made him look traditionally sleazy, and thus harmless on a packed train, so I relaxed. I reassured myself that there was no way he was going to smuggle me into some sort of illegal trade involving really annoying teenage girls with pigtails.
He leaned closer, and my nerves returned.
He pitched his voice somewhere in between a furtive whisper and a mumble, and frantically queried, "You're a people watcher, aren't you? I knew it as soon as I set eyes on you. You're the right one, we're alike, you can come with us and it won't compromise...Yes".
I looked around the train car, and noted, with annoyance, that no one was doing anything or making a move to do anything. Lovely.
My brilliant mind came up with "All I have is a quarter". Oops, my bad.
"GREAT...well I have something I have to give to you too. Only I can't give it to you here, I have to write it down. And then I have to tell you something. But that has to be written too. Because there are people here who". At this point he cut off and looked around himself wildly.
"I - I have to go", I tried.
"YOU CAN'T". He began to raise his voice and the people around me looked at him in bemusement. Again, lovely. What amazing support I have.
"Look", he began, "I know I may smell a lot like weed, and probably alcohol too, but that doesn't make this mission any less important".
For some reason, at this point, Nirvana music blared in my head (Just because you're paranoid... doo doo doo, don't mean they're not after you).
I had enough. Not sure if he was going to try to elicit sex from me, or was about to spout off on some kind of Matrix-esque rant, I kneed him in the crotch and quickly ducked and left.
*****
Case #2: Christian Bag ladies, and why I make baby jeebus cry
There is a Bible Woman, as we affectionately call her, who stalks the tunnels of the CTA. She lies in wait, for the next sinner, pagan, or what have you, to unsuspectingly step into the tunnel, and then she pounces.
She is a special Bible Woman though. First, I have often seen her accompanied by the "Jesus Man". Some of you from Chicago may have seen Jesus Man. Jesus Man wears a white robe at all times, and carries an enormous cross. My sister boasts that she has a picture of him ordering a taco at Taco Bell. But don't be fooled, penchant for tacos or no, Jesus Man is not to be messed with. If he's on Bible Woman's side, then you better not laugh at Bible Woman.
Bible Woman is rather fond of fire and brimstone. She has told me many times that I am an ungrateful sinner, and that my very existence is a challenge to Jesus our Savior, and thus I will perish in hell. Once, when I made the mistake of asking her why I made baby jeebus cry, she began a ten minute rant that emptied the tunnel of all passengers, leaving her yelling into the empty concrete.
"I have more credibility than you younguns ever will have. The lord Jesus is with me, don't you mock the lord Jesus. In his time, Jesus was mocked. I bet you they charged him with the same things they tell me. I bet you they said that Jesus was high, intoxicated, ONE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER, but I will NOT be..."
As we backed away, I pictured her illuminated on camera. Cross fade into black as her shrieked oratory dies down...
*****
Case # 3: Everything you've heard about Michael Jackson is wrong
Not very far from the tunnels Bible Woman haunts, Michael Jackson man makes his home entertaining passengers as they come and go. Michael Jackson man, while bearing little resemblance to his namesake in his features, is very small, very dark, and completely insane.
He wears one sequined glove, coordinates his ensembles to a T, and brings his dance music to get down in the subway.
I have probably donated more money to Michael Jackson man to any other street performer, for the simple fact that I can't think about him without giggling uncontrollably. I have never heard him sing, but goddamn can the man dance.
Someday, I will get up the nerve to approach Michael Jackson man myself and begin a conversation. I guarantee you a post if that happens.
Disturbingly enough, he seems to have a different small boy man his musical equipment every week. I'd rather not think about it.
*****
Final Case: Inebriated Cubs fans invariably cannot spell worth a shit
The more benign of the CTA encounters I have had over the years are usually drunken advances initiated by baseball fans of one of Chicago's two teams (GO _____ WOO!).
I'm not sure what the attraction is in getting completely trashed before a game begins, particularly if the game is a day game, but Cubs fans enjoy this nonetheless.
My most recent adventure with drunken cubs fans was short and sweet. Approached by one who was clearly far too shit-faced for five pm, I tried to make it obvious that I was holding up my (high school) yearbook, and thus underage. He was not a year under 35, though his friends appeared younger.
As he was blatantly not getting the hint, I decided to stage a phone call to "Daddy" about being late, and twirled my pigtails (again, I make poor choices on the spot).
His friends circled in around him, patting his back and Oh god - urging him on. He attempted a very painfully forced conversation before asking me what school I went to. He put his arm around me. He leaned in. When I replied that I was a junior in high school, he turned to his friends.
One shouted out jubilantly, "OH SHIT DUDE! YOU RULE! THAT SHIT IS WRONG WITH A CAPITAL R!!"
The poor man promptly removed his arm from me, puked on my shoes, and passed out.
*****
~ FIN ~
Google image search for Jesus Man:
User Reviews
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-28 20:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep they are an endless source of amusement Squirrel.
Nice post. Funny I wrote a piece a while ago on a Jebus man in Vancouver. He was one scary SOB.
Perhaps it was when you were away I can't remnember as I posted quite a lot in that period.
Submitted by Tenyuki (user info) at 2004-07-28 15:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I half expected a story about me on this one. Way to let me down, Viv. Way to let me down.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn.
Now I look like a jerk for reposting.
Oops, sorry y'all.
Submitted by deenie (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:05:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
almost makes me glad that i live in a small town in mississippi, wait, no..no it doesnt
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think everyone who's ever been a fair sized town has encountered one of the crazies. it's always funny... after the fact.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to straight hell. Hell I tells ya!
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel bad for you... but damn that was funny
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a confession. I was that crazy asian man. I've followed you to this website.