Hot Naked Jesus (2926 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-07-28 11:45:58 EDT
[Yes, this is a repost. Yes, I officially suck now.]
I've spent the entirety of my young life in the city, and as I've grown up, I've gotten used to its quirky ways. Almost. Chicago has an extensive public transit system of buses and trains. Nearly everyone rides the CTA. I wouldn't even risk warranting a guess at how many drunks have puked in a CTA train.
The people that ride the CTA, particularly the bizarre and extremely unique varieties, are quite unfortunately drawn to me like Mickginny to redheads.
It's actually uncanny. I have a friend who claims to attract people with Tourette's syndrome. Apparently quite a few individuals have been unable to restrain themselves from yelling things like "I'M GONNA KILL YOU FAGGOT!" and "JACKASS UPTARD!" at him on the street.
However you choose to look at that, I have an affinity myself for attracting the crazies. Perhaps I look too nice and inviting. I have been unable to take the advice of my best friend to tap my headphones whenever someone tries to talk to me, and to stick my finger in their nose if they continue. If a bum strikes up a conversation with me, goddamnit if I'm not going to be polite and helpful.
While Bart may have licked a bum's ass, I have met these bums, been hugged by these bums, and been offered coffee by these bums (though those are different stories).
It makes for a colorful life. I'm never quite sure who I'm going to meet when I step onto the pee encrusted floor of a red line train, or into the yuppie infested interior of a brown line train. What follows is a catalog of some of the most compelling or terrifying people I have encountered on the CTA.
*****
Case # 1: Paranoid, drugged up Asian men, and how to deal with them entirely ineffectively
I have a habit that I guarantee you, as harmless as it seems, has gotten me into unimaginable trouble. When I am uneasy bordering on petrified, I paste an idiotic grin onto my face. So, when I stepped onto a train and a 20 some man immediately took the seat next to me, blocked my exit with his arms, and whispered "You just smiled at me", no doubt he was right.
Not sure what was coming next, I edged away from him. His dark sunglasses and slicked back hair made him look traditionally sleazy, and thus harmless on a packed train, so I relaxed. I reassured myself that there was no way he was going to smuggle me into some sort of illegal trade involving really annoying teenage girls with pigtails.
He leaned closer, and my nerves returned.
He pitched his voice somewhere in between a furtive whisper and a mumble, and frantically queried, "You're a people watcher, aren't you? I knew it as soon as I set eyes on you. You're the right one, we're alike, you can come with us and it won't compromise...Yes".
I looked around the train car, and noted, with annoyance, that no one was doing anything or making a move to do anything. Lovely.
My brilliant mind came up with "All I have is a quarter". Oops, my bad.
"GREAT...well I have something I have to give to you too. Only I can't give it to you here, I have to write it down. And then I have to tell you something. But that has to be written too. Because there are people here who". At this point he cut off and looked around himself wildly.
"I - I have to go", I tried.
"YOU CAN'T". He began to raise his voice and the people around me looked at him in bemusement. Again, lovely. What amazing support I have.
"Look", he began, "I know I may smell a lot like weed, and probably alcohol too, but that doesn't make this mission any less important".
For some reason, at this point, Nirvana music blared in my head (Just because you're paranoid... doo doo doo, don't mean they're not after you).
I had enough. Not sure if he was going to try to elicit sex from me, or was about to spout off on some kind of Matrix-esque rant, I kneed him in the crotch and quickly ducked and left.
*****
Case #2: Christian Bag ladies, and why I make baby jeebus cry
There is a Bible Woman, as we affectionately call her, who stalks the tunnels of the CTA. She lies in wait, for the next sinner, pagan, or what have you, to unsuspectingly step into the tunnel, and then she pounces.
She is a special Bible Woman though. First, I have often seen her accompanied by the "Jesus Man". Some of you from Chicago may have seen Jesus Man. Jesus Man wears a white robe at all times, and carries an enormous cross. My sister boasts that she has a picture of him ordering a taco at Taco Bell. But don't be fooled, penchant for tacos or no, Jesus Man is not to be messed with. If he's on Bible Woman's side, then you better not laugh at Bible Woman.
Bible Woman is rather fond of fire and brimstone. She has told me many times that I am an ungrateful sinner, and that my very existence is a challenge to Jesus our Savior, and thus I will perish in hell. Once, when I made the mistake of asking her why I made baby jeebus cry, she began a ten minute rant that emptied the tunnel of all passengers, leaving her yelling into the empty concrete.
"I have more credibility than you younguns ever will have. The lord Jesus is with me, don't you mock the lord Jesus. In his time, Jesus was mocked. I bet you they charged him with the same things they tell me. I bet you they said that Jesus was high, intoxicated, ONE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER, but I will NOT be..."
As we backed away, I pictured her illuminated on camera. Cross fade into black as her shrieked oratory dies down...
*****
Case # 3: Everything you've heard about Michael Jackson is wrong
Not very far from the tunnels Bible Woman haunts, Michael Jackson man makes his home entertaining passengers as they come and go. Michael Jackson man, while bearing little resemblance to his namesake in his features, is very small, very dark, and completely insane.
He wears one sequined glove, coordinates his ensembles to a T, and brings his dance music to get down in the subway.
I have probably donated more money to Michael Jackson man to any other street performer, for the simple fact that I can't think about him without giggling uncontrollably. I have never heard him sing, but goddamn can the man dance.
Someday, I will get up the nerve to approach Michael Jackson man myself and begin a conversation. I guarantee you a post if that happens.
Disturbingly enough, he seems to have a different small boy man his musical equipment every week. I'd rather not think about it.
*****
Final Case: Inebriated Cubs fans invariably cannot spell worth a shit
The more benign of the CTA encounters I have had over the years are usually drunken advances initiated by baseball fans of one of Chicago's two teams (GO _____ WOO!).
I'm not sure what the attraction is in getting completely trashed before a game begins, particularly if the game is a day game, but Cubs fans enjoy this nonetheless.
My most recent adventure with drunken cubs fans was short and sweet. Approached by one who was clearly far too shit-faced for five pm, I tried to make it obvious that I was holding up my (high school) yearbook, and thus underage. He was not a year under 35, though his friends appeared younger.
As he was blatantly not getting the hint, I decided to stage a phone call to "Daddy" about being late, and twirled my pigtails (again, I make poor choices on the spot).
His friends circled in around him, patting his back and Oh god - urging him on. He attempted a very painfully forced conversation before asking me what school I went to. He put his arm around me. He leaned in. When I replied that I was a junior in high school, he turned to his friends.
One shouted out jubilantly, "OH SHIT DUDE! YOU RULE! THAT SHIT IS WRONG WITH A CAPITAL R!!"
The poor man promptly removed his arm from me, puked on my shoes, and passed out.
*****
~ FIN ~
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User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-08 16:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, yes, yes!
Submitted by stu_the_goon (user info) at 2004-08-12 20:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Chicago seems fairly tame compared to some of the freaks who live in London. At least your psychos don't carry knives...
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-29 10:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We are reposting because I posted the original a few hours before it. Naturally, it got no reviews and got buried...UNTIL I reposted it, and the the original got a flurry of reviews.
Which is why this post is cursed.
Revive sex post friday!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-07-29 09:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why are we reposting?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-07-28 21:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-28 19:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LucidCognition, I didn't know you lived in Chicago.
There are definitely some whackjobs on the brown line too.
Bible lady, most of the crazies and drunken cubs fans stick to the red line, though I met small asian man on the blue line.
The brown line, in addition to the special breed of yuppies, does tote the Clark and Belmont goin' kids. I love those kids though, I grew up with them. They were my tattood, pierced, radio show dj-ing, leopard print hair wearing sister's friends. So I have a special attachment to them all.
Even the one with the pet albino rats.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-28 17:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-28 16:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WWJD?
Submitted by Tenyuki (user info) at 2004-07-28 15:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DOUBLE RATING OH EM GEE!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-28 15:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus fucking two for asking the bible lady why you made baby Jeebus cry!
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-28 14:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna "educate" bible lady with a lead pipe. It's people like her that give religion a bad name, along with the whole sodomy thing....
Submitted by LucidCognition (user info) at 2004-07-28 13:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every metropolis has whackjobs, sometimes you just need tits to see them all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fuckin A. Sometimes I wish I had tits so my rides would be more interesting, but then when I see the 45 year old guys hitting on my 17 year old friends I just cringe and feel sorry.
Submitted by LucidCognition (user info) at 2004-07-28 13:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot to mention some of the interesting folk that you can see at Belmont along with all the yuppies, like the guys that walk around with their pet albino rats on their shoulders.
But I fucking hate all those god damn drunken Cubs fans, I go home as late or early as possible during day games, this way I don't absorb their stupidity when I ride next to them.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:29:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds alot like the people in Montreal
===========================================
Every metropolis has whackjobs, sometimes you just need tits to see them all.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think this post is cursed.
I have pinkies.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds alot like the people in Montreal
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I were you OLAS I would invest in some pepper spray.
But +2 for kneeing that creep in his junk.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If anyone calls shenanigans, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Someday I'll post a picture of the real jesus man.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAhahaha!!
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-07-28 12:01:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the word "UPTARD" is an automatic +2.
Submitted by Christ (user info) at 2004-07-28 11:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What an unflattering picture.