Tard Rage (946 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: Truth
Rating: 1.41 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark (View user info) at 2004-07-28 13:07:55 EDT
"What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm 34 years old for Christ's sake. You'd think by this stage of my life I'd at least have some partial control of my emotions."
Those words must have gone through my mind about a thousand times yesterday, rolling around in my head, circling my thoughts like a horsefly checking out a fresh turd.
Like the majority of the discord in my life over the last year, it began with an email from my Ex Wife. We separated about a year ago. It was a mutual separation. I could tell by the barely concealed look of relief on her face and the little happy dance she did when I told her I was leaving. Ok the dance didn't happen but I remember that look had the same effect on me as a snap on a bare ass with a wet towel.
About a month afterwards I moved into my own place. Initially it was tough, and I have to admit I wasn't really over her. I loved her still (despite myself) and had a hard time letting go.
Since then I have been in a few relationships, some casual, some bordering on life altering. Through it all Heidi helped me get over her by routing out every place within me that harbored love for her and ripping the life out of it with all the zeal of Sharon Stone with an ice pick.
Do I sound bitter? I'm not. I'm actually thankful. The last couple of years with her had been horrible, and I have since discovered, with the help of a few lovers, that I deserve better. Heidi's brutal cold demeanor after the separation helped me to realize that the person I had built her up to be in my mind and the person she truly was were likely very different.
I had been in love with a ghost and Heidi was the Exorcist.
I am now so completely over Heidi that I couldn't fathom how I was ever with her. Our past seems like a distant bad dream. The kind of dream you wake up from and can't remember exact details, only that something about it was horribly wrong, like drowning in warm murky water.
Nothing she says or does effects me on an emotional level anymore.
Well almost nothing...
Heidi started seeing Pete about 5 months after our separation. He is a college friend that she has kept in touch with over the last 10 years. A solitary offbeat kind of guy that I had met once (In his fucking trailer), shortly after me and Heidi were married. The news of their union was one of the greatest shocks of my life.
I can only describe the feeling as something akin to waking up and realizing there's a man growing out of your bum. Not that that's happened to me... Ok maybe it did (He's buried in basement).
Fuck You.
Anyways I handled the news in the most mature way possible. I got drunk and called her.
Heidi: Hello
Corey: Hey
Heidi: Hey
Corey: I don't get it... PETE?!
Heidi: I know, it came as a bit of a shock to us both too.
Corey: He's hairy, you hate hairy guys.
Heidi: Well...
Corey: He's like two inches shorter than you.
Heidi: Yes...
Corey: He's fat.
Heidi: Corey!
Corey: He just spent the last 9 years treating his old girlfriend like a bag of shit.
Heidi: He's changed, and he knows that if he treats me like that he'll get kicked to the curb.
Corey: Fug that he's shit.
Heidi: Are you drunk?
Corey: No!
Heidi: Listen I have a bunch of people over, I can't really...
Corey: He's an improvement? Howsh he an improvement?
Heidi: I didn't go looking for an improvement, I went looking for something different, in fact I think I was looking for the opposite of you.
Corey: Goddamn... you're insane, I'm going to have you commited.
Heidi: Time in a home might be nice, I could use the break.
Corey: No break for you, I'm going to see to it you're put in a room with a fat butch named Bersha who'sh there for spanking her girlfriend to death.
Heidi: That's not funny.
Corey: AHAHAHAHA
Heidi: *Click.*
K so I didn't handle the initial shock so well. Hell, I admit I handled it poorly. By all accounts he is treating her and my daughter like gold. My mother and father-in-law like him, and he gets along better with Heidi's brothers than I ever did.
So why does the mere mention of his name throw me into a total rage? I know I should be happy for her. I know that it is wrong for me to feel this way. I know there is no way in hell that I would ever let myself be anything more to her again than a casual acquaintance, yet I hear her mention his name and my brain yells "GONNAFUCKINGKEELTHEFATHAIRYFOOKERGONNAFRICKINGASSBLASTHIMWITHABUS!!!"
It's like the name "Pete" activates the dumbass gene and I revert to some strange juxtaposition of man-bitch / Neanderthal.
One day soon I will have to get past this Tard Rage. An unavoidable meeting is going to take place between Pete and me, and I don't want the last thing my daughter remembers of me being me standing over the bleeding carcass of mommies boyfriend yelling "Hah! You like that bitch, bet you didn't think a bus could fit up there!".
Some asshole once said "Time heals all wounds" and I guess he's right. The problem is that Heidi is sick of trying to keep us apart and in her last email told me that she has pretty much decided to stop.
My time is up. Bring on the Tard Rage.
Anyone got a bus I can borrow?
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-20 12:01:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ramona <sismo12345.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-10-04 13:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey there buddy,
Guess who? You are hilarious, a bit bitter but who hasn't been. I haven't been married as you well know, but I can still relate. I had an ex-boyfreind who dumped me in an unpleasant way. He got pissed first and than preceeded to tell me how I wasn't for him by putting me down. I apparently wasn't classy enough for him. He wanted someone who could wear cut down to your waist evening wear.
Anyways the point of the story is, than he started seeing this woman from his baseball team, someone I knew well someone I confided in. I laughed when i first heard but felt that pang of want to kill butchy, short-haired , skinny , piss tank, more class than me, I have more class in my baby finger. I wasn't impressed. Anyways you get over it and move on. You will be in contact with your ex-wife for a very long time because of your daughter. If the new man treats her well than there is nothing to worry about. I understand the rage you feel, its not easy to realize that you can be replaced, especially from someone you never thought would be in this position. I am around we can still have fun, right? Anyways obviously I'm reading your stuff. TTYS Ramona
Submitted by Jadey <you know who.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-08-06 18:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LMFAO!!
I can picture you with hands flat against the back of the bus, viens bulging, hair tossled, (I'm scared yet intrigued)....
pushing with everything last thing you have to offer.... darn bus - up his ass!
At first it causes Petey to fall forward and stumble a few feet. With Corey's cocktail of determination and emotion the bus slightly starts to spread and tear into Petey's.....
OK I won't go there but the imagery is halarious!!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-29 00:12:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You'll get over it eventually. Or at least learn to deal with it.
Submitted by yOMOMMA (user info) at 2004-07-28 18:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Kill yourself your fucking worthless cant keep a cooze happy!!!!!hahahahahaha
your a suicidal failure
Submitted by Gish (user info) at 2004-07-28 17:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tard Rage.
Nice
I systematically destroyed every single material thing she held dear. Photo albums, childhood toys, clothing, CD's, china, artwork, birthday presents, shoes etc. It took four hours. She came home to a knee deep pile of shit in the middle of the lounge floor, nothing bigger than the palm of her hand.
Cost me five grand + a restraining order - worth every fucking cent.
tard rage. Oh yeah.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-28 16:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, you really need to read this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/35071
It'll do you some good!
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2004-07-28 15:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear ya, bro. My wife and I split up about a month and a half ago. It is like waking up from a bad dream.
I too have fallen prey to the dreaded "tard rage." A couple of weeks ago at around 3am I drive past my wife's new place. She has our two young kids overnight and I notice the new boyfriend's car in the drive. I allegedly stopped by and knocked on the door demanding that either my kids come home with me or the degenerate shacker step outside. When neither happened, I allegedly attempted to get the boyfriend to leave the house by ramming his new, spotless Jetta with my Grand Cherokee. He stayed in the house.
It was not worth the pending trouble that may be coming my way just to know that this guy is not only a morally degenerate shit-bag but is, in fact, an infected pussy dripping with cowardice. The only solace I can find in this is that the money it may cost me I can earn again but this douche will live the rest of his life knowing he is a pussy.
So, if you are going to drive a bus up this guy's ass, make sure it is worth the consequences.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-07-28 14:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-07-28 13:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1. lemme 'splain.
You're mad, i like it. You want to curse but you didn't. "Fug" "Fooker"
just fuckin curse. let it out...
fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck fuck.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-07-28 13:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No matter how you slice it she's still your family because you have a daughter with her. I don't know if you've realized that yet.
On a side note...I can drive a bus if that helps?
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-07-28 13:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The power of tard rage is great and big.
Submitted by Xena <anakazawa.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-28 13:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well....women are insane!!! I notice there are a few double-decker busses sitting around here, would they do?!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-07-28 13:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe if only it were that simple.
Well, maybe.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-28 13:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's due to the fact that he's fucking your wife.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-07-28 13:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2