Edison Is Rolling In His Grave (1614 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.88 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <CatsCradle> (View user info) at 2004-07-28 19:07:16 EDT
So yesterday, I turned on the television expecting to see something at least halfway worth watching, when I saw something I didn't quite anticipate. On the television, I saw a television. That's right, some one somewhere decided it was necessary for someone to be able to wear a TV for a top.
What a stupid idea, right? That's what I thought. You can't even watch your own screen unless you stand in front of a mirror. I guess it's a good way for people to meet though, you're sitting in a park or taking a Hiroshima shit in the park's public bathroom when someone walks up to you and says in a deep, throaty voice,
"Hey dude, wanna watch my screen?"
And then you realize he doesn't even have a top on at all, let alone a TV top, he's some creepy old guy with moss hanging out of his beard and he's confronting you in the park's restroom for christ's sake and what the hell are you doing in the park restroom to begin with because you know that's where guys with moss beards (much like Tolkien Ents) hang out, and even if there weren't any tree sheperds there, you never, ever take a Hiroshima shit anywhere where you do not have a clear homecourt advantage including multiple rolls of toilet paper and in worst case scenario, a shower.
So I think it's a bad idea.
But then I watched more of the news brief. There was a girl modeling one of these tops and as I looked at her chest, I realized the sheer utter genius of the inventor of this product.
Someone, somewhere, in between taking Hiroshima shits at the public park, some Einstein has found a way for guys to both watch TV while having a perfect excuse to stare at a woman's chest. I checked his webpage and sure enough, if the Tv top is a success, the TV bottom will be introduced, which involves a TV on the 'hindquarter' region.
Now THAT is a good invention. That's what the world needs these days. People have lost track of what it MEANS to invent something.
You know what the last good invention was? The spork. Simple. Efficient. Useful as a weapon if need be. The spork is a model of American efficiency and gluttony at the same time.
Simplicity is really a key element of all inventions. Remember that kid we all knew in 5th grade? The one who had his GPA tattooed on his forehead and bragged about it like it was his penis length and thought he was the SHIT? Remember him? I knew a kid like that, he had a watch that he thought was the best thing since sliced bread. It was a calculator, a wrist held calculator with little tiny buttons that Poindexter could use to compute his GPA to the 12th decimal point.
Poindexter would brag, and brag, and brag. "Look at my calculator watch. I bet you wish YOU had one so you could be a little prick too! Ha! Ha!"
But you know what the problem was? Despite it's intricate advances, the calculator 'watch' couldn't tell time.
That's what made the Swiss Army Knife so great. It had a can opener, a plastic toothpick (Which you never used), a can opener, a magnifying glass, a pair of binoculars and a small fold out bicycle but in the end it always had a knife. Always.
That's one thing that I like about the people of Mexico. All their food - admit it, all of it - is some form of a taco. Chalupa, Gordita, Burrito everything can be made from the same basic template. Simplicity. The only downside is the Hiroshima shits that inevitably follow.
We overextend our technology today. We complicate things unneccessarily. We're not even focused for Christ's sakes. We've got scientists making all these new annoucements every day about miracle inventions that will make life easier and more expensive. We don't have a cure for cancer but now some deranged medical researcher in Canada has found a way to fart through his pee hole. We need to focus, we need to regroup and concentrate our efforts on something worthwhile, such as developing the capability to store body 'gas' until when it is deemed necessary to release it. Or how about farting when you burp to get back at your girlfriend when she's pissed off at you.
Automotive technicians are steadily improving automated direction technology. You know, so there's a little speaker in the car that tells you where to turn, when to turn, and et cetera. To this I ask, what is so wrong with maps? Maps. You know, those paper contraptions that we used to use that cost a fraction of what this new technology costs?
Forget about maps. Maps are antiquated! Let's spend 3000 extra on our Lexus honey so we'll never have to use our brains again!
You know though, women are behind this automated direction technology. We all know women are terrible at following directions. My girlfriend went to get pads the other day. She was supposed to take a right, a left, and then another left. Instead, she took a left, a left, a left, arrived right back where she started and made ME drive to get them.
That's another complaint I have against women. They buy pads ONE bag at a time. Why? They DON'T go bad, right? They KNOW they're going to need them again. So why not buy in bulk? It makes sense to me.
But no - that's too simple of an idea. Let's blow the money we could invest in a lifetime supply of feminine hygiene products on an automated navigation system for our car. The hell with it, let's sell the car and use the money on Taxi fares for the rest of our lives.
Taxi drivers can take you anywhere, even to the park where you can get molested by some creepy old guy in the bathroom. Until you move to the suburbs. Then you're screwed. And stuck buying tampons once a month, if there's a difference between the two.
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-08 17:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-17 23:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NOFX!
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-09-15 22:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent and Amusing post. I loved how everything came together at the end. You should really do this professioanlly.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-08-17 19:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Glad you back, but man, were you all over the place in this one. I didn't think it was up to your self-imposed high standard so I'm going to be a bitch. Nothing unusual there.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-08-08 20:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go fuck yourself communist bastard.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-08-08 01:26:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-08-07 23:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Plap (user info) at 2004-08-02 18:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny. But you get -1 for bad mouthing that calculator watch. I had one like it 15
year ago in grade school. It had a calculaor, a stopwatch, a phonebook, and it FUCKING TOLD
TIME. That watch was cool, so Casio my ass!
Submitted by Therighteouswicked (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
About bloody time you wrote a post. Where the hell have you been?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-31 03:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's John Baird, and all he did was demonstrate the mechanical transmissions of images over wire circuits. Without Edison, Bell, de Forest, Goldstein and about 40 other people none of it would have mattered anyway.
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-07-30 08:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought John Loge Bared (not how its spelt) invented the T.V.
I'm stupid, leave me alone.
Submitted by theself (user info) at 2004-07-29 03:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I've read most of your posts.
You rage well.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-07-29 02:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEE.
I heart you.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-07-29 00:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they should invent a better pie
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-29 00:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're funny. But I guess you already knew that.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2004-07-28 23:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol! funnnnny, and youre right in some warped way.
you know what edison would have invented if we had given him more time...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/39848
...he would have invented rush
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-07-28 23:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always fart when I burp?
Let me guess....BIG line of coke before posting?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-28 22:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-28 21:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit, "hooray for me" belongs to ME now.
I thought we talked about this!
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-07-28 21:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, he's back!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-28 21:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so you're the legend are you?
Hello.
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-07-28 20:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-07-28 20:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rantmaster!
Submitted by j00 (user info) at 2004-07-28 20:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-28 19:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rambling, punch-you-in-the-face, intellegent comedy.
I always like it when you decide to write something cats.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-28 19:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I love you.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-07-28 19:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me!