Dancing for the "white man": Easy Skanking! (2047 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.5 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Akegata <akegata.at.bluebottle.com> (View user info) at 2004-07-29 05:04:00 EDT
Yesterday, I dealt with "white men" and dancing. http://www.ubersite.com/m/39738 However, I got a complaint from a young white male:
"Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-28 10:35:20 (#)
Ranking: -1
i'm only 21 (few days ago) and this describes me pretty well.... i thinkk..... can't be sure cause i'm always drunk when i dance.
...could've used some hints about what to do to dance... you're no help."
I promised this man that I would learn "white men" some dancing today. That's what I intend to do in this post. I described the typical "moves" of the "white man" yesterday, e.g. The Pump, Milking the Cow, smoking, and drinking with pathos. Random Joe said that I'm no help. I must disagree. The intention I had when writing that article was to teach people how NOT to dance. The first step to become a dancing pimp-a-rotti is to avoid said "moves". Mainly for one reason: They look stupid. Really, they do. Both "the Pump" and "Milking the Cow" symbolize male masturbation. Whatever your parents told you, I don't care. Masturbation on the dance-floor is NOT COOL!
I will now commence my tutorial. To honour Bob Marley, I will call this part of the tutorial "EASY SKANKING". While you're training, write "Akegata's bitch" in your fore-head with a permanent marker. This is crucial and the importance can't be emphazised enough. It gives you motivation.
1) You've utilized both "the Pump" and "Milking the Cow". What did you find out? You probably found that moving your arms and hands are neat activities. I must agree, moving your upper limbs with the music is cool, but it's still only half-way to dancing. People at clubs who arrived there early in order to get seats, will stick to their seats for the whole night out. Some of them engage in an activity called "sitting dancing. When you only move your upper limbs, you do "sitting dancing" while standing up. Did that sound stupid? Well, it looks stupid too. The first thing that must be taught to the "white man" is this: Moving your feet.
Yes, you heard me! Those feet were meant for something else than just standing still while carrying different amounts of your body weight when you shift it from side to side. Moving your upper limbs is simple, what you are going to learn is moving your feet as well. Commence by doing some side steps in tact with the rythm.
About a year ago, I was at a karaoke place. An buff, African guy stepped up to the mic to sing "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins. He didn't sing good, and he kept missing the words, but that was of no importance. He looked cool because of the dancing he did. There were no advanced moves involved. He didn't start spinning around on his head or doing piruettes. All he did was side-stepping, from right to left, left to right, etc. It wasn't ardinary side-stepping though. It was side-stepping with feeling. Even though he killed the sound of the Phil Collins song, he made it look cool, and that's what dancing is all about.
A good dance and exercise for moving your feet is the so-called "skanking". Skanking is utilized when dancing to reggae, ragga, and of course the music style fo which the name derives from: Ska. Skanking will teach you how to move your feet with the rythm. The movement of the arms will come almost automatically, and you can improvise a lot. I won't go in debth when it comes to skanking, I'll instead give you a link to http://ska.about.com - it's got plenty of tutorials on learning how to skank.
2) While pumping and milking, you've got your upper body straight. Why? In dancing, keeping your upper body straight all the time has got no advantages. A flexible waist will add new dimensions to your dancing! Try bending backwards while dancing (always in tact with the rythm). Bending backwards will show the others that you're not just some nervous first-time dancer. It will make you look relaxed and as if you're enjoying it. (Add a smile to the move. It helps.) In skanking, you should hunch a little. Not in a nerdy way, but in a cool way. This allows better swinging of the arms.
3) Watch movies that include dancing. Saturday Night Fever-moves might be both old and clichéd, but they are lots of fun. Some movies even come with tutorials on how to dance. Try watching "Save the Last Dance, if you want to dance better while listening to hip-hop. Also, watch other people in the clubs, that are good dancers.
4) The majority of "white men" dance while they're punch drunk. Drunken dancing is for advanced users. If you can't dance while you're sober, you definitely can't dance when you're drunk. If sober dancing is scary to do at the club, fear not. You can sober-dance in the comfort of your own home! Just turn on some good music and start dancing by yourself. This can be both fun and relaxing.
Alchohol does not improve your dancing, it just weakens your judgement. If you can dance before drinking, you'll be able to dance after drinking as well. Many of my friends react to the fact that I can dance while sober. They hardly believe it.
5) Desperation moves. To get some attention on the dance-floor (and create some laughs, hopefully not on your behalf), you may utilize so-called desperation moves. If you're into it, you can do a Michael Jackson imitation - not that I would. I prefer a dance that a friend of mine learned me a while ago: The Shrimp Dance.
The Shrimp Dance is done by laying down on your side in a fetal position and trying to move in a circle. Always with the rythm. When we did this move, we got applause from the other people in the club. You can get that applause too.
6) New dance moves are hidden in whatever you do. try imitating the movements of different occupations on the dance floor. (Or imitate animals, we all remember the legendary "Funky Chicken", right?)
These 6 steps will help you greatly on the dance-floor and elsewhere. You can become more confident in yourself, mr. White Man, and you'll get exercise as a bonus! Here's a summary of the tutorial, you can laminate it and keep it in your pocket.
Remember to:
1) Move your feet.
2) Keep your waist flexible.
3) Watch movies and other people for inspiration.
4) Dance by yourself and learn "sober dancing".
5) Utilize "desperation moves" to get attention.
6) Always be alert for new moves.
I hope that you, mr. White Man has found this tutorial useful, and that you will soon be the life of the party. good luck and happy dancing!
User Reviews
Submitted by Akegata (user info) at 2004-07-30 04:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also remember to not keep your hands close to your body all the time, it looks strange,
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-29 11:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I r white.
I r can dance!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-07-29 07:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read the whole thing, but I know that white men can't jump, run, dance, play basketball, or shoot each other in record numbers around the projects in America.
Seem's you people have a lot going for you.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-07-29 05:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, that wasn't meant to sound so gay.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-07-29 05:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Black people just seem cooler because they have bigger dicks.
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-07-29 05:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i aint no whitie but i'll take a free handout