Hot Bum Action! (3446 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (View user info) at 2004-07-29 12:48:01 EDT
This just happened today, as I went to lunch.
There's a Subway located next to the southern entrance of my office building. As you can imagine, it gets packed around lunchtime with damn near everyone from the office. I just got my pay stub, so I thought I'd treat myself to something fancier than a Power bar and some water. I left around 11:30 to beat the usual lunch hour rush.
I was walking out of the door to my building when I spotted him. Standing about shoulder high, one pant leg rolled up, dirty old sneakers with no laces, and an open-faced beef sandwich in one hand: his name was Jamal and he wanted my change.
Normally I just ignore beggars and go on with my business, but Jamal had plans for me. With a bit of a junkie twitch he started to do his usual speal "Hey, can you spare some change for the bus, man?" How the hell did he know my secret identity! No one knows that I am secretly Busman, Defender of all things of Bussery!
I ignored him and breezed past him. Little did I know that he was a follower, and he followed me right into subway, right into one of the longest 20 minutes of my life.
Apparently, there were 20 meetings that let out around 11:25 and everyone thought to get into the trough line that is Subway Sammiches. So there I am, in the back of a 20-minute line, with an excited bum and an open faced sandwich.
I ignored him, par as usual, even though he started to get more hostile. "yo think yo better than me?! Mutha faka!" he screamed like a newb. The line behind the counter was busy as hell, and they really didn't seem to notice. This went on for a good five minutes, and then Jamal made the mistake of getting right in my face, noses inches away, screaming the one phrase that never fails to send me into a blood rage: "Common, tell me yo tink yo betta den me, yo Fat Mutha Fuka!"
He started to raise the hand that held his sandwich, he was honestly going to try and bitch slap me with it. As he was about to swing, I grabbed it, twisted, spun him around, and kicked him square in the ass and right out the door. With much applause from others in the line and behind the counter.
Now you'd think that he may come back either with a gun or a cop (with crazy bums, you never know if they'd be crazy enough to grab a cop), and he came back all of ten minutes later alone and empty-handed. By this time I was already getting my sandwich made, 6 in roast beef yummy.
Jamal made no attempt to approach me, he just went into the back to the bathrooms (yes he still was hanging on to the open faced sandwich). When he came out he started harassing some of the gals that were getting fountain drinks. He started following one blond in particular, she was Betsy the admin (departmental secretary) for my group. Seeing as this could lead to no good, and because Subway was really close to Piss Alley (see my last Bum post) and feared that Jamal would try something nasty I stepped in.
J: (gets in front of Betsy and blocks her way,)Hey baby, whare yo goin?
B: (Ignores him and looks for help)
(by this time the manager has started to work his way over, he's slowed down by the sheer number of people and the fact that he's a pretty big guy, the subway diet is a lie!)
C: (I put my arm around Betsy's shoulders) Hey hun, is this creep bothering you?
J: (Sees that it's me and his eyes start to widen in a bit of fear) Um, nah, just axin fo sum chane.
Manager (to jamal): LEAVE! If I see you in here ONE MORE TIME I'm calling the FUCKING COPS!
Jamal leaves and all is happy with the world. I just heard a police siren, methinks this'll be the last we'll see of Jamal the Bum and his Open-Face sandwich Martha.
User Reviews
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm, Subway sammiches.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Subway Sammiches"
AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Submitted by Chuckdeez (user info) at 2004-07-29 16:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Better be careful because unlike normal people, bums have nothing to live for.
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-29 14:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-29 14:31:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hopefully, he doesn't know where you work - he might wait outside for you.
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Nah, I doubt he could pick me from a line-up by now. I look like the average italian guy, ya know how we all look alike.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-29 14:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was thinking of giving this a +1, but hey, I'm nice...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-29 14:31:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hopefully, he doesn't know where you work - he might wait outside for you.
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-29 14:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-07-29 13:02:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work!! BusMan is my new favorite Superhero.
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Here I am to save the daaaayyy.......
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-07-29 13:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"yo think yo better than me?! Mutha faka!" he screamed like a newb
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-07-29 13:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice!
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-07-29 13:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-29 13:07:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck! A cookie, with a lipstick smiley face? You can't eat that!
now does it have an open mouth smiley, or just a line?
If it's open faced draw a peener on there and give it back.
HAHAHAHAHA
Damn Alah, that's smooth.
Hey Chief, I thought today was SPT. I should +1 you just for posting an actual story.
Submitted by Micheal Jackson at 2004-07-29 13:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What a tease, next time please insert an anecdote involving anal with young boys to better suit your choice of title.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-07-29 13:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mutha fuka
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-29 13:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck! A cookie, with a lipstick smiley face? You can't eat that!
now does it have an open mouth smiley, or just a line?
If it's open faced draw a peener on there and give it back.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-07-29 13:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work!! BusMan is my new favorite Superhero.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-07-29 13:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-29 12:51:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is she hot?
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Betsy or Martha?
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-29 12:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-29 12:51:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is she hot?
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Better looking than Cute, but not what'd I call Hot. on the Gwen Steffani Meter (1 being Elephant man and 10 being Gwen) I'd give her a 7.5-8.
ALso, just saw I posted this right after Humpfest. The original title to mine was "Bum Be Gettin His Freak On"
Submitted by UniBrowZIT (user info) at 2004-07-29 12:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The sandwich has a name?
Like, a bum asking for change has enough food that he can waste it by having a pet sandwich that he satisfies his sexual urges with?
Fuck that rich bastard, I can't afford a Sexwich.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-29 12:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is she hot?
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-29 12:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A short epilog: Appearently Betsy came by my desk while I was in the bathroom, she left a cookie with a little smiley face on it in lipstick.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-29 12:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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