An illustrated history of life as an Undercover Geek™ (1515 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.68 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-07-29 15:21:27 EDT
I know all of you must think that I am extremely cool (shh...just accept). What with my insane skillz and total awesomeness, right?
Actually, I am the biggest Undercover Geek in the history of the universe. I am an extreme geek; geekage is a sport at which I excel enough to own all of you.
*
Learning the fine art of The Nerd: The early years
My career did not initially begin undercover. In fact, I made a point of being socially inept and an intellectual showoff. Goddamn, if I was going to be a dork, I was going to be a hardcore one. I was proud of my endeavor. I didn't choose the way of the dork for myself; branded as a "gifted" (read: openly, cockily precocious) before I could actually read, I might as well have been marked with a picture of Screech on my chest.
My parents' choice of attire up through fourth or fifth grade hardly helped me. I sported glasses seventeen and a half times the size of my head for more than four years (see pictures below for confirmation). I wore purple leggings with patterned socks over them, and picked out my own atrocious sweaters and head scarves. As I got older I kept my hair perpetually long and ratty.
My less branded peers made a point of taunting me. One boy, Eric, chased me around the playground with a plastic spork (the most violent weapon they provided us with) every day during recess. Eric also ate crayons, and forced me to join him every once in a while. God I hated recess.
When I won a trip to England by writing a terrifyingly bad essay comparing the Chicago fire and the London fire, I got to parade my dorkdom on the British stage. I celebrated by refusing to wear anything but crushed velour for a month straight. Being a good six years younger than the next youngest girl, the winner's circle welcomed me by kicking me in the shins. I reassured myself that my real (read: imaginary) friends would beat them up in a few years.
*
Learning to hide the fine art of The Nerd: Adolescence Dawns
Suddenly, when seventh grade hit, and I got contacts, I had friends. When I subsequently grew suitable excuses for tits and an ass, I had even more friends. When people found out who my older sister was (a supremely awesome girl with tattoos, piercings including a spike in the back of her neck, and a radio show, who could and still can play the electric guitar and bass better than any boy I know), I was downright popular.
I couldn't make head or tail of this development. I merely assumed that my peers had finally realized, like my mother had been telling me for years, that I was a "very special girl".
I learned how to let others cheat off of me. I learned how to stop doing homework, sleep in class, and still get the grade. Hiding my nerdy tendencies wasn't so easy.
For example, I have sustained the supremely dorky habit of Rubix cubing. Not only can I solve the Rubix Cube, I can do so in a minute and fifty seconds. Since I figured out the cube in the car when I was eight years old, I have leaned on the habit as a stress reliever. This puts me on par with the prematurely balding greasy math whiz kids who learned how to program a computer in the womb.
Except for my closer friends, the majority of people who know me assume I am slightly retarded, or at least disturbingly ditzy, due to my microscopic attention span. In eighth grade, to the surprise of a great number of students, I was valedictorian of the "Gifted Center".
"Holy shit, congratulations Vivian, I always thought you got in by accident", was all I heard for two weeks.
*
Learning to embrace my roots: A return to dorkdom
Recently, I've become fed up with putting on a perpetual ditz act. When my SAT scores were printed in the newspaper, and I faced what was surely going to be another month of, "But... you never seem to know what's going on. It was a mistake, right?", the line was crossed.
Ubersite, I'm going to do everything I can to let out my inner dork. Faking dumb just don't cut it anymore, kids.
If this means breaking out the Rubix cube in the middle of parties, so be it. If this means apologizing to my imaginary friends for years of ignoring them, so be it.
Hell, I might even revive those glasses.
Or not...
*
The pictures that follow show me in the throes of the dark ages. In the group picture, the man in the frills is the Lord Mayor of London (or former Lord Mayor), receiving some sort of gift from me circa age nine. In the black and white picture, I am acting out a puppet show of Hamlet, circa age ten. The other two pictures need no explanation. God those glasses were sexy.
User Reviews
Submitted by s3iferoth (user info) at 2004-10-12 04:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW, you're my idol, viva la geekage!!!! I myself am a geek, and I feel your pain. BTW I was doing my usual geek-like searches and I find this totaly irrelevant crap?
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-08-02 15:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAAAA! Awesome. Ya big dumb dork, you.
In college a friend asked me what my ACT score was. Her response? "Oh my god! I didn't know you were SMART???"
har har
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-01 22:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My sympathies. I was a big dork in my early years. Early years, I tell you!!!!!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-31 17:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-31 17:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you need to start wearing those glasses again, you'd be a even more of a sex kitten
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-31 17:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, i see that you explained that in the last paragraph. must have missed that.
cool.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-07-30 16:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I missed alot of good posts yesterday... my offer still stands, please bring the glasses...
Classic!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-30 13:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT! Sorry. +2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-30 13:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think geeky girls are extremely hot! When I am fucking a girl in her poop-chute, I like for her to have the intelligence to know EXACTLY what I am doing to her, and realize that she's been a very bad little girl. =)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-30 10:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear god, no one worry, I don't look like that anymore. Sheesh, I've camwhored enough for y'all to realize that.
triple_optics: Haven't you seen the agent_smith post about me?
Insanethemind: After I won the contest, I got to meet Mayor Daley (cept he's insane, mean, and my mom works for him so I know him anyways), and the Lord Mayor of London, who was really cool. It wasn't really a ceremony, we just went to his place and since I was the littlest, I gave him some random American gift.
He had this sword bearing butler dude who was straight out of a disney movie.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-30 04:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those glasses are awesome, you should be proud you had such excellent fashion taste back then!
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-07-30 03:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gamma: we already have, did you miss the memo?
MrB, This will be my fourth year in the WSU Cougar Marching Band Trumpet-line this year. and all I have to say is... you can laugh, but you have no idea whatsoever. I'll just leave it at that.
Proud of you squirrel. I was the leather-jacket wearing, camaro driving, kid with one of the highest SAT scores at my school.
go Geek Chic
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-07-30 03:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha. geek.
just kidding
-Black Ninja
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-07-30 03:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All you need is a pack of beer and a nice big cock to bang the geek out of you. Once uv'e tasted sex piss, you'll go down hill from there.
^ as you can see, i'm not as intelygent as you
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-30 03:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what kind of ceremony is that picture taken at, on the bottom left?
Submitted by MrB (user info) at 2004-07-30 03:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Awwww.. aren't you cute!!!
I was a band geek. I went to band camp and everything."
This one time, at band camp.....
Submitted by Pearnbran (user info) at 2004-07-30 00:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
your so cute
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-07-30 00:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwwwwwwww!
When I was a kid, I would have died for clunky glasses. I thought that ugly eyewear, crimped hair, and braces were high fashion.
Submitted by Confusion (user info) at 2004-07-30 00:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tenyuki (user info) at 2004-07-30 00:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmm bangs, indeed.
I'm warning you, whether loverboy is with you or not, next time I see you, I'm attempting a tackle hug. It's like running at you and tackling you, but instead of knocking you down, I pick you up.
Blame it on your hair and lack of seeing you in MONTHS.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-29 21:24:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks geoffy boy.
And HA at creep, because I still have bangs.
Mmmmm bangs.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-07-29 19:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
U USED 2 LOOK LIEK SUCH A FAGE!!!11
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-07-29 19:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw!
Glad for you that you don't have to wear those god awful specs anymore. I'm going to bed before the angry wasp flies down from my ceiling and pokes me with his stingy thingy.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-07-29 19:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good call on losin' the bangs.
How long til you're legal for me to fondle?
Submitted by Tenyuki (user info) at 2004-07-29 19:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You were pretty back then, glasses or not.
Nothing's changed in the past 7 years. ;)
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-29 16:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice pics! Im loving the glasses
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-07-29 16:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I descovered my inner geek recently, I work with computers all day, and I actually like building/working on them. I always excused this by being a Gamer, but I am a geek. So I say to you, Gals with intelligence rock, and thats being said by a geeky guy that plays rugby. Seems like an oxymoron, don't it?
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-07-29 16:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha... You're a geekburger with extra cheese!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-29 16:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can see it on the Uberboard now; Tom was in band.
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-07-29 16:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am convinced one day, all of us geeks will form an army and take over the world.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-29 16:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, like, how old are you now?
Oh, what the hell's the difference? I'd do ya...
In the pooper!
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-07-29 16:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Those glasses....
You were like a white chick Urkel....
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-07-29 16:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
giving a gift to the Lord Mayer of London?.....
YUPPY
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-29 16:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure that those glasses were child abuse.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well random joe hater, I would agree with you except for the fact that this is the only post in which I said how much of a dork I was, or that I was good at academics at all.
After I read that review, I even did a quick runover of my posts in my user info, and guess what? No.
The agent smith post is the only other post here that touts my intelligence, and I had no control over the content of that post, believe me.
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I knew it all along
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God, I want to fuck you in like ten years.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Band camp, Tom?
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:40:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwww.. aren't you cute!!!
I was a band geek. I went to band camp and everything.
I did the same exact thing. Huh.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-29 15:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow!! Look at me!! Look how smart I am!! Aren't I smart!!
All your posts are beginning to sound like this.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OLAS I think you were cute as a button. And I've had a few guys tell me glasses
are sexy. I still never wear mine but not out of vanity usually because I
forgot to put them on or can't find them.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God, I can't believe that was only eight years ago. Looking at those pictors makes me want to claw my eyes out.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwww.. aren't you cute!!!
I was a band geek. I went to band camp and everything.
Submitted by Christ (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
PWNZ!!!1
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Reallybored, that's completely and entirely true.
Every one of us here is a dork.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's homework?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I learned at an early age to hide my intelligence. That way I'm always underestimated, giving me the advantage, or the ability to make jaws drop.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't make head or tail of this development. I merely assumed that my peers had finally realized, like my mother had been telling me for years, that I was a "very special girl".
that was pretty damn funny
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Anybody who posts on an internet forum has some level of geekness to them.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yah sped I know. It's kinda offensive. Everyone's all, "But, you're an idiot!".
In our program, one other chick got a 1600. She's the "stereotypical asian chick". Head of NHS, valedictorian, etc. I have great grades, but I don't even do full days of school, I get done at 1230, and I didn't even join NHS.
I don't do the homework thing either, so people (besides those who copy answers from me) think I'm a slacker.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're awesome.
And nerd chicks are hot!
Submitted by VaginaRavager (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You know, back in the day, forehead elephantism was ground enough for euthanasia.
So be grateful and shut the fuck up.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
smart chicks are hot.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, man, do I know that. Only thing is, I've been trying to keep my nerdosity (?!?!?!) in remission so much that all my grades and stuff have been slipping. I got the same SAT scores as you, and everyone said, "Damn, either that was a mistake, or you are the laziest motherfucker I know."
Submitted by maryjane (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Squirrel...my favorite.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think my penis just ran away.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-07-29 15:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY SHIT